Can you all find somewhere to sit please...you're going to sit on his lap...ok, that's fine by us. If you're just going to wriggle about and sigh heavily then I shan't bother you know...
You see, there is a little bit of a problem over our Mr Moriarty...the builder.
Some of you have had forty fits about air bricks and stuffing chimneys with rocks while others...you and you at the back...were almost wetting yourselves at the thought of me parting with hard cash up front...supposing Mr Moriarty was dodgy and ran away clutching a handful of euro's...he might have made straight for the betting shop and put every last note on a certain winner running in the three o'clock...
It's perfectly acceptable here in very rural Ireland to offer cash up front to workmen...since the recession most small businesses have been hanging on for grim death...struggling not to follow too many of their fellows down the slippery slope to insolvency and hold onto what they have...one way to help out is to offer cash up front so they can buy the wood, paint or whatever they'll need without incurring even more debts at the builders yard...
If you'd been paying attention you'd remember that it was Brian who had taken the job on in the first place...I've known Brian for eighteen years... he and his team of merry men restore old cottages...Mr Moriarty works for and with Brian...if Brian says this chap is sound...then he is.
And you were puttering about the amount we'll have to pay 'cos I said it was peanuts...we have exceedingly limited savings and were terrified the cost of the materials and the work would gobble up the meagre amount of money we have available...so when Mr M told us the grand total and it meant a little nibble into the cash rather than a hefty bite...I was silly and said it'd be cheap...
Were you all listening...hope so 'cos I don't like it when you start to worry...there's no need you know.
Of course, if I'd known you when The Stoner was here, creating mayhem between rolling yet another spliff and drinking all my coffee...then you'd have had good cause to worry...at least he didn't set our cottage on fire the way he did a cottage belonging to a couple of friends of ours...though he did want to turn our big barn into a recording studio...
You can go now...if you like...though I suppose you'll be wanting a cup of tea first.
Thank you for listening...would you get off his lap now? He's looking a bit uncomfortable...