About six years ago I was friendly with an American woman on a now defunct social networking site...she announced one day...out of the blue...that she and her son and two of her friends were coming to Ireland and would like to 'drop in and say hello'.
So I went into a frenzy of dusting and polishing and scrubbing anything that stood still long enough and said it'd be grand and they'd be welcome...
Then I went into real panic mode and wondered what in heavens name was I going to do with them...they were staying in a nearby small town and would be with me for two days and please could they see the sights...so I explained about the stone fort and that sort of thing and they said that'd be grand...
They turned up at the door and the very first thing I saw was teeth...mouths full of incredibly sparkling white teeth...but they were all smiley and quite shouty actually and the son stood and glowered...like teenage sons do. I was still smoking then and I lit a roll-up...his face was a picture 'cos he thought it was wacky-baccy...didn't tell him otherwise and from that moment he stuck to my side like glue and cheered up immensely.
I'd written a sort of list to include as much as was humanly possible in the time span and going by the back roads so they could see 'the real Ireland'...mostly muddy farmyards and old boys with their trousers held up with bits of baler twine...
It was grand. The girl who was the driver was as mad as a hatter...driving on the 'wrong' side of the road and skidding to a stop when I bawled at her to heed the Yield signs...you have to stop I said...why said she...because it's a cross roads...why doesn't it say stop then...because this is rural Ireland dear heart and we say Yield...got it she said...until the next junction she went flying across narrowly missing a tractor...there was a chorus from the back seat ...Yield means Stop!
That poor hire car was chased by Collie dogs and it clipped hedges and sent grubby elderly farmers leaping out of the way...it fell into potholes with a sudden thump and it was with a huge sigh of relief I said, stop here. Here? yes here. But will it be safe...I said, there's only a few sheep course it'll be safe...I sent them up the mountain to peer inside the caves where the bones of the Irish Elk had been found while I sat on the grass and made a daisy chain. A local farmer pulled up and asked how was I doing and I said I was grand and I pointed up the hill and said 'Americans'...he laughed and drove on.
I pushed them down the souterainn and explained about the Four Altars and we went to visit Tommy and then on up the mountains to the donkey sanctuary where Sue handed out carrots and ginger biscuits and her donkeys pushed and shoved the totally over-awed visitors...off to the Carrowkeel tombs next where we had another dither about the car and I said it'd be perfectly safe and it'd still be here when we got back and Logan...the teenager... asked was there anything that'd bite...and I said sheep don't usually bite actually and he said he didn't mean the sheep...he meant 'other animals' and I said not as far as I knew...
We walked the mile or so to the very top and the sun blazed down and the sky was a clear blue and the view stopped them all from talking for a good five minutes...I made up a totally fabricated story about one of the stones having been used for human sacrifice...it has a channel down the middle...told them that was for the blood to run down which was a downright lie but they liked the story and didn't know I was fibbing...
They were so much fun actually...they never stopped talking and taking photographs and asking endless questions and I laughed so much that by the end of the day my tummy hurt...
We careered back down the narrow mountain road at high speed and called at the town chipper for hot greasy chips and then they dropped me at home and gave me gifts...a rattle from a rattlesnake...a braid of Sweetgrass and a proper dream catcher made by a member of the Sioux tribe...
Can we come back again they chorused and I said they could of course...but life got in the way.
Out And About In My New Wheels...
Matrons Visit 
