Daily laughter Tuesday

Daily laughter Tuesday

Very Good Morning Tuesday

Hope that all my friends are well this morning and read for a good read

Berwickxxxx

Below you will find a collection of funny, yet wise, quotations to brighten your day(s):

The feeling does go away.” “If you feel like doing some work, sit down and wait... The feeling does go away.”

“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask?"

“There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbors will say.”

You'll both get dirty, but the pig will enjoy it.”

“If you drop a white glove into the mud, the glove will get muddy. But the mud will never get glovey.”

“If you need a helping hand, there is one at the end of your arm.

“If you live to be a hundred. I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.”

“If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments

“What happens to the hole when the cheese is gone?”

“The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money.”

“In God we trust. All others bring data.”

“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life. Unless I buy something.”

“I like work; it fascinates me, I can sit back and look at it for hours.”

“If it weren't for my lawyer, I'd still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging.”

“In mathematics, you don’t understand things, you just get used to them.”

“A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.”

“After one look at this planet, any visitor from outer space would say: ‘I want to see the manager’.”

“A conclusion is the place where you get tired thinking.”

“I never apologize. I'm sorry, but that’s just the way I am.”

“Time is that quality of nature which keeps events from happening all at once. Lately, it doesn’t seem to be working.” “

“Why does the air force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we’ve been bombing over the years been complaining?”

“Even a stopped clock is right twice a day

“This sentence contradicts itself…

No actually it doesn’t.”

“Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.”

“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”

“War isn't about dying for your country. It’s about making the other bastard die for his.”

“By the time you figure out all of life’s answers, they’ll change the questions.”

“It’s a mystery of parenthood that your son can give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a stray, worm-riddled dog, share a piece of re-chewed gum from a kid with bronchitis and pick his nose and eat it on a regular basis, yet won't sit next to his sister because of ‘Girl Germs’.”

A poem for Tuesday

This is from Where Water Comes Together With Other Water.

Locking Yourself Out, Then Trying to Get Back In

You simply go out and shut the door

without thinking. And when you look back

at what you’ve done

it’s too late. If this sounds

like the story of life, okay.

It was raining. The neighbors who had

a key were away. I tried and tried

the lower windows. Stared

inside at the sofa, plants, the table

and chairs, the stereo set-up.

My coffee cup and ashtray waited for me

on the glass-topped table, and my heart

went out to them. I said, Hello, friends,

or something like that. After all,

this wasn’t so bad.

Worse things had happened. This

was even a little funny. I found the ladder.

Took that and leaned it against the house.

Then climbed in the rain to the deck,

swung myself over the railing

and tried the door. Which was locked,

of course. But I looked in just the same

at my desk, some papers, and my chair.

This was the window on the other side

of the desk where I’d raise my eyes

and stare out when I sat at that desk.

This is not like downstairs, I thought.

This is something else.

And it was something to look in like that, unseen,

from the deck. To be there, inside, and not be there.

I don’t even think I can talk about it.

I brought my face close to the glass

and imagined myself inside,

sitting at the desk. Looking up

from my work now and again.

Thinking about some other place

and some other time.

The people I had loved then.

I stood there for a minute in the rain.

Considering myself to be the luckiest of men.

Even though a wave of grief passed through me.

Even though I felt violently ashamed

of the injury I’d done back then.

I bashed that beautiful window.

And stepped back in.

Every Tuesday morning, I get to go and see

My favorite doctor in the world, cause I'm in therapy.

I sit for several hours, while he writes upon a pad

All the useless jargon that I say that makes me sad.

He questions all the things I say, like he really cares

But he makes lots of money, for each hour that I'm there.

I love to swat at flies and such, that I can only see

I make funny noises and pretend it wasn't me.

When I'm feeling wicked by his unassuming daze

I climb upon the sofa and throw paper wads his way.

I scream and run around the room, I have lots of fun

Until he finally tells me our session is almost done

"So soon, I can't believe it," I act like I am sad

But man, I am so happy when he closes up that pad.

He scheduled me for Fridays, too, he thinks more help I need.

Hey, that okay, another day, that I can go to therapy.

I haven't been in work in four days. I've almost forgotten how to play solitaire and minesweeper.

I went to the Job Centre for an interview.

I said: 'I ain't got no qualifications, no skills and as for my customer service, sod off.'

She said: 'Great, you're exactly what they're after at PC world'.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said, "You've been promoted."

And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said, "You've been promoted again."

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said, "You're managing director."

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said, "What happened to you?"

And I said, "I careered off the road."

Being a prison guard has to be the easiest job ever.

I mean, who's going to steal a prison?

I've landed a job talking to oriental immigrants about their future employment prospects.

I'm a Korea Advisor.

The recruitment consultant asked me, "What do you think of voluntary work?"

I said, "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels

He's the Spokesman.

I refuse to let my son become a mime. It's frightening how many of them end up on the street.

Always give 100% at work.......

12% on Monday

23% on Tuesday

40% on Wednesday

20% on Thursday

5% on Fridays

I said to my wife this morning, "You look like death"

She said, "I haven't done my make up yet!"

I said, "That doesn't really explain the hooded cloak and scythe"

My wife went for a job interview to work at an old people's home.

She got the job and when she came home she wasn't really bothered.

I don't think she cares.

My boss just caught me day dreaming and told me to get back to work.

I will... just have to feed the unicorns first.

I've left school now so I had a discussion with my careers adviser.

But I couldn't help but think, "If you're a careers adviser, where did you go wrong?"

I was in a job interview today, the interviewer asked, "Have you ever had to think on your feet?"

I said, "Yes, quite often I find myself wondering where to sit down?"

I dig graves for a living.

It wasn't a planned career, I just fell into it.

I love being a maze designer.

I get completely lost in my work.

I went for a job as a handyman.

"Can you lay bricks?"

"No"

"Can you plaster?"

"No"

"Can you do any carpentry?"

"No"

"Then why are you handy?"

"I only live round the corner"

If tennis players get 'Tennis elbow' and squash players get 'Squash Knees', do gynecologists get 'Tunnel Vision?'

I keep seeing these signs reading, "Make money at home in your spare time." I thought, "What a great idea!"

It turns out that's illegal, and it's called counterfeiting.

The circus performer pulled his trapezius muscles and now he is flying high on pain meds.

32.When the town removed billboards, they told people that's how it was designed.

33.Of all sports humor, football is my favorite. I get a kick out of the punts.

34.When a woman returns new clothing, that's post traumatic dress syndrome.

35.A Hall of Fame recently opened to honor outstanding female soldiers. It was a WAC's Museum.

36.How can you get a drywall plasterer to finish the job? They barely start and then they stop.

37.A butcher was trying so hard to be funny, but he just wasn't making the cut.

38.A cannonball is a party for artillerymen.

39.Things can go either way at a kissing gate.

40.The copyright law is a statute of imitations.

Tuesday Poem – The Geriatric Garden

come wander with me in my garden

which gives me great comfort each day

this pathway leads past the Nostalgia

to beds of Dementia gay

I’ll pick you some scarlet Alzheimers

with maybe Forgetfulness blue

as well as a few little Asthmas

to add an alternative hue

and now to complete your own posy

I’ll add some Sciatica sprigs

with trimmings of climbing Fibrosis

and fragrant Incontinence twigs

my favourite bloom is Arthritis

which grows in profusion just here

while this Hypertension’s so pungent

it keeps all your sinuses clear

and don’t you just love that Angina

beside the Glaucoma so bright!

the Flatulence perfume’s exquisite

and often much stronger at night

there’s nothing to equal a garden

for bringing one pleasure and peace

where one can grow pretty Offensive

while slowly one’s marbles decrease

Granpa Dropped His Glasses

Granpa dropped his glasses once

In a pot of dye,

And when he put them on again

He saw a purple sky.

Purple fires were rising up

From a purple hill,

Men were grinding purple cider

at a purple mill.

Purple Adeline was playing

With a purple doll;

Little purple dragon flies

Were crawling up the wall.

And at the supper-table

He got crazy as a loon

From eating purple apple dumplings

With a purple spoon.

Oh, Johnny Fife and Johnny's wife

To save their toes and heels,

They built themselves a little house

That ran on rolling wheels.

They hung their parrot at the door

Upon a painted ring,

And round and round the world they went

And never missed a thing;

And when they wished to eat they ate,

And after they had fed,

They crawled beneath a crazy quilt

And gaily went to bed;

And what they cared to keep they kept,

And what they both did not,

They poked beneath a picket fence

And quietly forgot.

Oh, Johnny Fife and Johnny's wife,

They took their brush and comb,

And round and round the world they went

And also stayed at home.

Mr. Nobody

I know a funny little man,

As quiet as a mouse,

Who does the mischief that is done

In everybody's house!

There's no one ever sees his face,

And yet we all agree

That every plate we break was cracked

By Mr. Nobody.

'Tis he who always tears our books,

Who leaves the door ajar,

He pulls the buttons from our shirts,

And scatters pins afar;

That squeaking door will always squeak,

For, prithee, don't you see,

We leave the oiling to be done

By Mr. Nobody.

He puts damp wood upon the fire,

That kettles cannot boil;

His are the feet that bring in mud,

And all the carpets soiled.

The papers always are mislaid,

Who had them last but he?

There's no one tosses them about

But Mr. Nobody.

The finger marks upon the door

By none of us are made;

We never leave the blinds unclosed,

To let the curtains fade.

The ink we never spill; the boots

that lying round you see

Are not our boots -- they all belong

To Mr. Nobody.

I love fall! Fall is exciting.

It’s apples and cider.

It’s an airborne spider.

It’s pumpkins in bins.

It’s burrs on dog’s chins.

It’s wind blowing leaves.

It’s chilly red knees.

It’s nuts on the ground.

It’s a crisp dry sound.

It’s green leaves turning

And the smell of them burning.

It’s clouds in the sky.

It’s fall. That’s why…

I love fall.

2. Lining Up

Every time I get in line,

I stand so straight and tall;

I keep my arms down by my side,

I do not move at all.

My head is facing forward,

My eyes look straight ahead;

My lips are closed, my eyes are open,

Listening to what is said.

3. School

School bells are ringing, loud and clear;

Vacation’s over, school is here.

We hunt our pencils and our books,

And say goodbye to fields and brooks,

To carefree days of sunny hours,

To birds and butterflies and flowers.

But we are glad school has begun.

For work is always mixed with fun.

When autumn comes and the weather is cool,

Nothing can take the place of school.

4. Schoo

School is something,

we must all embrace.

Knowledge we need,

to seek out and chase.

Subjects and teaching styles,

are plentiful and vary.

Just like the backpacks,

we all need to carry.

Sports, clubs, and activities,

at every single turn.

So much to do,

study and learn.

To get the most from school,

we should consistently attend.

Around each corner,

there’s always a friend.

Our favorite teachers,

are friendly and kind.

Their passion and job,

to expand every mind.

School is something,

we must all embrace.

Just remember to learn,

at your own pace.

5. Now

Close the bar-b-que

Close the sun

Close the home-run-games we won

Close the picnic

Close the pool

Close the summer

Open school

6. Welcome Back to School

“Dear students, the summer has ended.

The school year at last has begun.

But this year is totally different.

We’re going to only have fun.

“We won’t study any mathematics,

and recess will last all day long.

Instead of the pledge of allegiance,

we’ll belt out a rock-and-roll song.

“We’ll only play games in the classroom.

You’re welcome to bring in your toys.

It’s okay to run in the hallways.

It’s great if you make lots of noise.

“For homework, you’ll play your Nintendo.

You’ll have to watch lots of T.V.

For field trips we’ll go to the movies

and get lots of candy for free.

“The lunchroom will only serve chocolate

and triple fudge sundaes supreme.”

Yes, that’s what I heard from my teacher

before I woke up from my dream.

7. The Man Who Thinks He Can

If you think you are beaten, you are;

If you think you dare not, you don’t.

If you’d like to win, but think you can’t

It’s almost a cinch you won’t

If you think you’ll lose, you’re lost,

For out in the world we find

Success begins with a fellow’s will;

It’s all in the state of mind.

If you think you’re outclassed, you are.

You’ve got to think high to rise.

You’ve got to be sure of yourself before

You can ever win a prize.

Life’s battles don’t always go

To the stronger or faster man;

But sooner or later the man who wins

Is the one who thinks he can.

8. Introducing a New ME! by Kalli Dakos (so many great poems to check out!)

There’s a new ME this year,

An on-time ME,

A clean-desk ME,

A first-to-hand-in-assignments ME,

A listens-in-class-to-the-teacher ME,

A teacher’s-pet-for-the-first-time-in-my-life ME,

An-always-willing-to-be-good-and help-out ME,

A dead-serious-get-the-work-done-and-hand-it-in

Before-it’s-due ME.

The problem is

The new ME

Is not like ME

At all.

Well that is the end for today

I do hope that you had a good read and a big chuckle

See you tomorrow my friends

Breath easy my friends

and have a great day

Berwick xx