validation

[Worried546]

Hi all,

My consultant is lovely but I think he is trying to be validating and reassuring so much that it comes across as minimisation and invalidating?

I like knowing the details but I often find he skims over any details of tests etc and gives me the bare minimum, and generally very positive and minimising (when I have very severe asthma).

I notice this with other doctors too. And of course, it is wonderful when things are going well and I like positivity, but I find the unrelenting ‘looking on the bright side’ always leave me feeling over dramatic/invalidated.

Anyone else had this experience?

[Homely2 Administrator]

My consultant does the same, I find it really irritating.

Tests done by a and E go straight on my NHS app, but tests ordered by my lung consultant are kept private to him. He then provides no details.

It is very frustrating and controlling.

[DannyQ in reply to Homely2]

This maybe a stupid question, have you asked to see the results ? If you have and wont give you an explanation, ask to explain why ?

[Homely2 Administrator in reply to DannyQ]

My present consultant generally relies on letters rather than meeting his patients. So you cannot ask him easily.

If he wants something done he gets one of his nurses or his secretary to ring, but they do not know why or have the details.

So you get sent for tests without knowing why and then never find out the results, unless the nurse kindly tells you at the time of the test.

I tried once to contact him re test results and was rung by his secretary and told not to try again. She said if I had any questions re tests, I had to ask my gp to write to him. This is not easy where I live.

So, my consultant is irritating, but better than my previous one, who never met me, but managed to accidentally delete me from their systems.

[DannyQ in reply to Homely2]

Wow that's actually so shocking the fact you were asked to not to ring again and you had to write to him. The fact the tests you take are about your illness to me means you have a right to know what the tests are and the results as the potential anxiety this could cause someone not knowing, you definitely have more patience than me, I get they are busy, but to me every patient must be treated as though it's the only patient you have

[Troilus]

Yes. Mine does, but I find this is not just consultants. All healthcare staff seem to do it, so I ask directly. The time before last I asked my dr if I was diagnosed from spirometry, his response was “ Why do you want to know?”

[Lysistrata Administrator Community Ambassador]

Oh yes, all the time, almost all the ones I've ever seen. I won't get into the details as I will end up wanting to throw something in public but it's happened to me and plenty of people I know with severe asthma. My current consultant basically told me I don't need to worry about it as it's his job (strong vibes of 'don't worry your pretty little head about such difficult things'). I felt like a suffragette being told I don't have the brains to handle voting!

My consultant will also order tests without discussion and then not tell me the results. I'm not worried as I assume he would if it needed action, but I am annoyed that he doesn't even think he needs to inform me of what he's doing and why.

It often feels as if they think we patients are a different species. I get that people may not understand what they say but it often feels as if they don't try to explain or work out what we could understand. I get they are busy but it's our bodies.

I don't even dare ask anymore because I feel like any asking will be interpreted as anxiety - I have had a lot of consultants tell me they know better than I do how I feel.

[Birthday60]

An interesting question - I have found that I get a much better experience if I present myself as a busy professional- I wear a smart jacket and shoes with my hair and makeup well done - carry and business style handbag and file, I shake hands firmly and behave as if I’m in a business meeting- works every time - I take notes and repeat back to them and always use their name - was taught this by a friend who is a consultant!!!

[Mandevilla in reply to Birthday60]

It's great that this works for you, but also quite annoying because people shouldn't have to play these kinds of games to get treated well. Not to mention that a lot of people wouldn't be able to, would not have the confidence (or the smart clothing) to behave in this way.

[peege]

When I've filled in my surgery's on line form the instructions or guidelines say "just the clear facts please". I think that's what medics are trained to do, stick to the main facts. Perhaps they think that everyone else is thick and won't understand their jargon. I like to know the everything too. I like the NHS app because I can look up the results of tests to see what they actually mean. As an older person (I admit that ) I might not take everything in 😬

[Lysistrata Administrator Community Ambassador in reply to peege]

I find there is often an assumption that we as patients cannot deal with 'the facts', or that we'll react in the 'wrong' way.

I'm personally much more bothered by the feeling that they're not telling me stuff. Not because I'm terrified that it's bad (though that would also be legitimate), but because I actually like to know what's going on and like you, work it out for myself in my own time and ask later, if needed, instead of it being rationed out or explained badly. (A big part of my job is translating specialist doctor speak and complex research into something that is understandable by others who aren't experts, so I know they're not always good at explaining or I wouldn't have a job!)

[Worried546]

Thank you for all your replies.

I sometimes think they think the ‘less you know’ the less you will ask questions that they need to spend time explaining? Plus the assumption that more detail won’t be understood.

It’s not explicitly test results I’m looking for but just generally more detail about their thinking process, conclusions etc. rather than a vague overview. It sometimes feel rushed to ask or you feel difficult by asking more questions.

I also generally find doctors to be very positive in their statements and I think this comes from a place of not wanting to cause the patient more anxiety. But for me, it causes some confusion, and leads me to feel I’m being over dramatic (when I’m really not).

Maybe it’s just the particular consultants manner but I’ve seen a few doctors now and generally find them quite similar. They have such a stressful job they probably don’t even have time to consider all this, and they try to maximise time efficiently , so it’s not a criticism at all, just an observation. I also need to take responsibility to ask explicit questions if I need to.

[ReedB]

I've found the same. The only one who has never made me feel this way is my allergy consultant and she's a woman! I constantly find myself questioning the severity of my condition when they don't explain themselves.

[Lysistrata Administrator Community Ambassador in reply to ReedB]

Same re questioning myself - I have imposter syndrome now!

Unfortunately I've found women no better in my experience. Some of the most patronising, fake-nice, failing-to-listen doctors I've met have been women - not that the men are exempt at all, but it seems to depend on the individual. One female resp consultant I saw for a while was so awful behind the fake 'nice' facade I now refer to her in my head and to friends etc as Umbridge (from Harry Potter, just in case anyone's not familiar).

[ReedB in reply to Lysistrata]

Sorry to hear of your rubbish experiences. It is true regarding imposter syndrome. I never make as much fuss as I should because of it. It usually takes an outsider perspective to notice things really aren't right. I'm liking the Umbridge reference! HahaI'm lucky at the moment, having had my fair share of patronising and unhelpful consultants, that I have someone who gets me and my twitchy lungs.