I don’t know why I fee so guilty....

[Willow7733]

I am still having trouble breathing (spring is an allergy season for me) and the multiple pulmonary embolisms. I am SO tired all the time - fighting just to breathe drags me down. I work full time, Monday to Friday, 8 hour shifts ( that require me to stay 2-3 hours late every day). I was off the weekend, off every weekend, but now that it is Sunday night, I really feel I need an extra day. I have 3 months sick time accumulated, but yet I feel so guilty to have a day off. I keep telling myself to just suck it up. Tomorrow will be better, but the more I push myself...well, tomorrow is worse. By Friday I come home at 3pm, don’t have any supper, and am in bed by 4:30pm. I have nothing left.

I am totally confused as to what is causing this - asthma or the embolisms. I am also still losing weight for no reason. This past week I lost 5 pounds. I am not even trying. I am meaning to change my diet to more “healthy” but haven’t started yet. Since out of the hospital I January, I have lost 20 pounds. For fun, weighed myself last night and lost another 1.5 pounds.

[Flowergirl78]

I'm sorry your going through this. I am not a professional but I can say that you have absolutely no reason to feel guilty about putting your health first. You sound like you really need a bit of a time out. I really advise you to speak to your doctor, would it make you feel less guilty if they signed you off work? When I worked, I was very loyal to them and worked hard, even when heavily pregnant. Looking back now I realise that as lovely as my colleagues were, ultimately, the job would carry on without me but without my health I (and my baby) couldn't have carried on.What I'm trying to say is put you first, the people you work for should be supportive. You've stated you don't have time off sick (unless I've not read the post properly 😬). People need time off sick sometimes and companies should be used to that.

Sometimes it's better to have a little time out rather than end up needing long term off.

Hope you things get better soon and you ease up on yourself x

[Flowergirl78 in reply to Flowergirl78]

Sorry should have also stated at the beginning that you should be pushing to see your doctor anyway with the symptoms you have stated. You obviously work hard but at this time you need to put your health first.I know its not easy for some to put themselves first, i too have this issue so unfortunately don't practice what I preach!

I am sincere though and you really should stop feeling guilty for putting yourself first as the company you work for won't be putting you first.

[Willow7733 in reply to Flowergirl78]

I do have sick days available to me. Enough to cover three months off if I wanted to. But we are short staffed, it is Covid, and now summer holidays are starting. I work for a hospital. And I have the last pick of which holidays I get. So summer holidays are out of the question for me. Just so tired. Maybe I just need to suck it up and push harder...

[Flowergirl78 in reply to Willow7733]

You do not need to suck it up. You say you have enough sick days to cover three months if need be, why is that? Is it because you have been lucky enough to be healthy or felt the burden of having to push through? Does everyone who works there also have three months sick days available or have they taken time off when needed? You say you are short staffed and it is covid but if you work yourself so hard and your health is not great aren't you at more risk if your immune system is weaker? Also you say it is summer holidays and you get last pick? Has anyone else turned round and said how they think you are suffering and maybe should get time off? I'm not saying this in anyway to sound harsh but trying in the best way possible that I can in a post (which is difficult as sometimes people can read it wrong but I really mean it in a nice way ☺) to say no one will put you first but you. Its not that other people are horrible, it's just they are putting their needs first, and so should you.Would your job rather you had long term sickness because you've sucked it up for more than your health can handle or would they rather you were off for a shorter time?

Sometimes we just really need to put ourselves first, and I say this as a mum who is in a situation of being on the edge of burnout because I am putting one of my child's needs before my own health, so I do get it.

[Willow7733 in reply to Flowergirl78]

Truthfully, I have the time because I never use it. And this winter my health really took a nosedive. I was in ICU and had time to think about exactly what hat you are saying. My father died a week before we had Covid show up. So my mother (who never had one night alone without my father since she was married at 19..she is 77 now) was stuck alone in another city. I moved away for my career. So she was calling everyday crying saying how could I have moved away from her, and I promised dad I would take care of her. A lot of guilt. I was working three departments at work (ER, neonatal ICU and neuro ICU). I guess everything just took it’s toll, and bam. I was admitted to the ICU with severe anemia, massive blood clots in both lungs, and a pretty severe asthma attack. I always put myself last. At work, with my mom (who is totally fine and has a huge support group of family and friends with her every day), just last in everything in my life.

The people I work with use their sick days like vacation. Some even owe work for hours they have taken but didn’t have available. In ER, when I would come in for a shift, one co worker would stay 5 minutes into her shift, then leave! Either it was “chest pain” or “gastrointestinal problems” and I would be stuck doing a double shift. Every. Single. Time. She was fine. I left that department for full time in neonatal ICU.

I do have plenty of reason to call in some days. I should. What if I get more blood clots in my lungs? I will need those sick days. What if my asthma continues to get worse. My lung function right now is 65%. My mother keeps telling me after being in the hospital for a month, I went back to work way too early (I only took five days off). I see now I did. I guess I could talk to my GP (or any one of the five specialists I am seeing for the lungs and blood clots) and ask for a week or two off. I have to sit myself down and have a reality check I think. 😊

[Flowergirl78 in reply to Willow7733]

I think you know your answer already but you are having guilt making that decision so it is easier to have somebody else tell you, and you know what, that is absolutely fine. Their are people in the world like you, who work hard and put other people first. You find it very difficult to say no to people, maybe you even find it difficult to speak up for yourself (you sound like me so I apologise if you aren't and I'm putting my issues onto you!) . It may make it easier if you have the reason to say someone strongly advised you to go to your doctor (which I definitely do). So if you need to use me as that someone who strongly advises you to see your doctor then do as I couldn't care less if they cursed me out as I really do think you need to seek advice from your doctor/consultants. They are the only ones who can give you the professional advice you need. Please look out for yourself.

[Willow7733 in reply to Flowergirl78]

That is my personality to a T! I never say no. And maybe that’s what is slowly killing me? Haha

I will see my doctor this week (for a previous appointment to discuss a CT scan I had of my lungs last week ) and I will talk to him about this.

[Balls01 in reply to Willow7733]

Reading your post I understand how you feel. I think working with people makes it hard to take time off. But you have to put your health first. A friend once said to me if you were hit by a bus you’d have time off. If you’re hit by asthmas or any illness you need to give your body a chance to recover. Take care I hope you start to feel better soon.

[Willow7733 in reply to Balls01]

It is true. But...even though this is a hospital, people tend to not take asthma seriously. The only ones that I seen to take it seriously, are the Repiratory techs at the respiratory clinics. And this is funny: I decided to come in today even though I am having a very hard time to catch my breath, and five people in my department has called in sick today. I wish I had their self preservation skills. 😂

[Hidden]

Your doing your best, please don't be so hard on yourself. I agree with everything Flowergirl78 says. You need help.

[Lotti_321-]

You have been through so much it’s no wonder you’re exhausted! Your symptoms certainly warrant a chat with the drs, if nothing else it will rule things out which may bring peace of mind. Asthma on its own is exhausting & takes time to recover even from a simple (as in short course of steroids & then bounce back) flare but you’ve had icu stay along with everything else so it’s going to take time. Then you went back to work quickly. So it’s no wonder. But have you considered asking work or getting a fit for work note about doing a phased return whilst you are building your strength back, this might be a happy middle ground. You aren’t letting them down as you are at work some of time and would let you rest on the other days, so you are not constantly at burn out.

[Willow7733 in reply to Lotti_321-]

I was thinking of that. It is a good idea!

[Poobah]

I know you feel guilty and you're covering for a lack of staff, but in the medium term you're doing yourself and your employer no favours. You need support by way of some reasonable adjustments at work to help you stay in work but to allow you to get the day to day rest and recuperation that you need. Speak to HR for an occupational health review in light of your current health challenges and the need to retain what health you have. The OH will recommend what is needed to ensure your wellbeing at work. This is a temporary arrangement, with a view to you being able to get the treatment that you need from your doctor. Having said that, your doctor may wish to sign you off work in order for you to get well - they may take the view you're making things worse by working. My friend had something similar and it took various hospital investigations in order to identify the route cause of the embolism, it was viral (not covid). But it took ages to recover and working was out of the question in their case.

I hope you get the support and treatment that you require.

[Willow7733 in reply to Poobah]

I went through so many tests, they were sure I had cancer. But that all came back negative. So relieved! In the end, they diagnosed me with lupus and secondary anti phospholipid syndrome. I am on Warfarin for life and now have to wear thigh high compression socks for life. For asthma, they are adding another maintenance puffer and prednisone. It is just one thing after another. I have started to lose weight for no reason. Now they are checking for diabetes. My bad luck can stop any time now, that would be just fine with me! lol

[four4 in reply to Willow7733]

From ur description I understood u are a person with high sense of responsibility. I am an asthmatic, my on and off symptoms affected my work as well. I used to have a similar way of thinking like you whenever I need to take leave, but later on I changed my thought. The fact is, if I don't take a short leave to have a rest , my health will deteriorate, later on I may need to take a much longer leave due to the need to be hospitalized or even need to quit the job. This will be a much greater burden/ loss to my co-workers as a result.

So, don't burn out yourself is the right way to treat youself and ur co-workers. Of course u may need to review if this job fit ur health condition in the long run. Job is only a job, not everything.

My experience is I found working shift affect my health adversely and I have a poor quality of life. I switched to a part-time and freelance working mode for many years. My asthma is relatively stable and I keep myself in a low-pressure status. Of course my income become unstable and my living standard fall in turn. But I feel peaceful because I can maintain myself free from hospital and other distresses due to severe asthma attack or other health problems.