This is very off-topic but I just heard a very bad joke on Radio 4 that made me giggle nonetheless so thought i'd share it ...
Two canibals are eating a clown when one turns to the other and asks, ""Does this taste funny to you?""
Baboom!
Bad Joke Warning: This is very off... - Asthma Community ...
Bad Joke Warning
36 Replies
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Ha Ha. Brightened my working day.
well it may have been a bad one but it made me giggle,
hehehehehe I like that one
xx
p
here one thats even worse
what do you give a canibal with sun burn?
pal-of-mine
told you it was worse!!!!
Two cannibals in the jungle are standing over a fire with a large boiling pot, stirring the soup with wooden spoons. One cannibal says to the other, ""I hate my mother in law, I really don't like her at all, she really makes me sick"". The other cannibal says ""So just eat the noodles"".
i liked your joke,it made me think of my ex mother-in-law and now i cant stop laughing (i dont get out much),
Just so long as it doesn't set your asthma off!!
A fish swims into a wall .... dam!
why did the lobster blush?
because the sea weed
What did one teddy bear say to the other teddy bear when he offered him some dessert?
No thanks, I'm stuffed.
Seana, I liked that one - made me smile :o)
What happened at the cannibal's wedding party?
They toasted the bride and groom
i liked the snail joke it made me giggle
What did the sea say to the sand?
Nothing, it just waved!
why don't owls date in the rain?
because it's too wet to woo
What's one of these? ____mmmmmmmmmmm<:
Dunno .. but here comes another one! ___mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm<:
what do you call a dog thats deaf?
anything it wont come to you
Why don't traffic lights ever go swimming?
Because they take too long changing!
Why do elephants pain the soles of their feet yellow?
So they can hide upside down in custard!!
_________________________________________
What's black & white and goes round & round?
A Penguin in a revolving door!
I thought this one was topical!!
What is lighter than a feather yet harder to hold
Your breath
psychiatric hotline
recording:""hello,welcome to the psychiatric hotline.
if you are a obessive-compulsive,please press 1 repeatedly.
if you are a co-dependent,please ask some one to press 2 for you.
if you have multiple personalities,please press 3,4,5 and 6,
if you are a paraniod-delusional,we know what you want.just stay on the line untill we can trace your call.
if you are a schizophrenic,listen carefully and the little vioce inside your head will let you know which button to press.
if you are a manic-depressive,it doesnt matter which number you press,no one will answer.
From the ""consultant-isms"" thread in the medics forum I read, comes this one which I love!
Junior doctor: ""the patient became unwell post-op and developed type 2 respiratory failure...""
Elderly vascular surgeon: ""Do you mean to tell me these blasted physicians need more than one type of respiratory failure?
Owl, I love it! Which forum is it from?
dnuk jokes and humour - consultantisms.
One for the ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, ""What setting do I use on the washing machine?""
""It depends,"" I replied. ""What does it say on your shirt?""
He yelled back, ""University of Oklahoma.""
And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, ""I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.""
The woman replies, ""I'll miss you...""
""It's just too hot to wear clothes today,"" Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, ""honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?""
""Probably that I married you for your money,"" she replied.
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh .. immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder ""Instruction Manuals
extra bad jokes
whats the difference between a nail and a bad boxer?
one is knocked in and the other is knocked out.
whats the difference between a hungry man and a greedy man?
one longs to eat and the other eats too long.
whats the differance between a girl and a postage stamp?
one is female and the other is mail fee.
whats thedifferance between a spendthrift and a pillow?
ones hard up and the other is soft down.
im sorry fo being thick,but could some one tell me what a spendthrift is!!
what the differance between electricity and lightening?
you dont have to pay for lightening.
dont you love christmas crackers (not be long till christmas)
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, ""God, please give me the strength to cross the river.""
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed, ""God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.""
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, ""God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.
Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
billy had set up a blind date for his friend adam,
adam said what happens if i think shes ugly and i dont like her,
billy said well if you dont like her just grab you throat and fake an asthma attack and we can get you out of there quick,
so adam went home to get ready,
it came to 8 o'clock and adam and billy went to meet the girl,
adam knocked on the door and the most beautiful girl he had ever seen opened the door,
the girl took one look at adam and grabed her throat.
mel xxxx
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.
THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE
OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. ""THAT WAS MY PAGER,"" SHE SAID.
I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED
HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, ""THAT WAS MY
MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.""
""THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE DECIDED
SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE
SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET
PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS
AND STARED AT HER. THE WOMAN FINALLY SAID, ""WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT...
I'M GETTING A FAX!!
Saw this and thought it was great - could equally apply to any political party i think!
The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from a Rose to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, stifles the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and yet gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
OWL!!
Where did you get that one from LOL!
Needed some light relief!
Kate
( rolling around and falls off chair!)
That was SO funny Owl and SO true! Will be chuckling all day!
spendthrift
d58
a spendthrift is someone that is watching the pennies.
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