A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) ""Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home,
unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the
Westbound and go in the opposite direction.""
2) ""Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his
elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.""
3) ""Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit
the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and
East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.""
4) ""Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are
therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together.
All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'.""
5) ""We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been
nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that"".
6) ""Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars.
If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.""
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl:
""Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided.""
8) ""Let the passengers off the train FIRST!"" (Pause .) ""Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines,
see if I care - I'm going home....""
9) ""Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.'
The two are distinct and separate instructions.""
10) ""Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close.
It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.""
11) ""We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.""
12) ""To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of
'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?""
13) ""Please move all baggage away from the doors."" (Pause..) ""Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.""
(Pause...) ""This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train:
Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there
and shove them up your a**e sideways!""
14) ""May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground.
However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.
Nice one!!!
Where do u guys get these things?!?!
Am glad u put up warnings first as they were much needed
Keep it up
LOL! Brilliant! Really funny! Cheered me up a lot! LOL
lol so funny where do you get them from!!
certainly cheered me up and make me laugh
lmao
hannah
These are sooo funni. Ive not laughed so much in ages and my chest did NOT like it one bit!!!!!.
Where u get them from?
More plz!!
Hiya
hehehehehehe!! They are grat so funny cheered me up no end
Thank-you very much for a much needed laugh
Giggles xx
Oh my god!! im whooping like a hyena but i love it!!i wish i could have been on the underground when those announcements were made!
Hi,
Do you have any more of these? It has been a while since I had a good laugh so thanks very much.
Nice 1 they are hilarious.... set me off in a coughing fit though!!!!
Smithy
bumped up as made me chuckle!!
lol thanks Charlie for bumping, and Kate for the underground ones, and though sadly I know Bex is no longer with us, thank you anyway for these originals as they made me chuckle.
(Edited: I know Bex sadly died earlier this year, hope original message didn't offend/upset anyone who knew her).
some more that I have found!
CLASSICS (on The Weakest Link, BBC One)
Anne Robinson. presenter: What was the principal language used by the ancient Romans?
Contestant: Greek.
GEOGRAPHY (on In It To Win It, BBC One)
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[what's this]
Dale Winton, presenter: Alderney and Sark – are they part of the Channel Islands?
Contestant: Ooooh! Is that the English Channel? I don't know, are there islands in the English Channel? I've never heard of any. France – that's near the English Channel, isn't it?
GENERAL STUDIES (on Wogan's Perfect Recall, Channel 4)
Sir Terry Wogan, presenter: ""Which Duke resides at Woburn Abbey?
Contestant: Hazzard.
MUSIC (on LBC, 97.3 FM)
Presenter: What name does Cat Stevens go under now? I'll give you a clue, he became a Muslim...
Contestant: Abu Hamza.
MATHS (on The Weakest Link, BBC One)
Anne Robinson: What kind of dozen is 13?
Contestant: Half a dozen.
POLITICS (on Viking FM)
Presenter: Who was the Prime Minister before Tony Blair?
Contestant: George Bush.
BOOKS (on celebrity edition of University Challenge)
Jeremy Paxman, presenter: Of all Beatrix Potter's books, which is the only one to feature a human in the title?
Antony Beevor, author: Peter Rabbit
THE ARTS (on 2CR FM)
Presenter: Who painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel?
Caller: Leonardo Di Caprio.
FILM STUDIE (on Radio 2)
Steve Wright, presenter: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Caller: Jesus
these are brilliant and yes i did have to have a puff of the ventolin from laughing so hard
Some of these are unbelievable! But then again - if I was on a quiz show and had no idea what the answer was, I would probably come up with the most ridiculous answer possible - just for the laughs!
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