pregnancy anxiety

[AinslW]

I am 12 weeks pregnant with our baby and are about 1 year out from my stillbirth and postpartum psychosis experience. I’ve been experiencing complications with this pregnancy, including an incarcerated uterus which I had to undergo a medical procedure to correct and some other little traumas around that, like slowly losing my ability to urinate and eventually needing to self-catheterize, and also a subchorionic hemmorhage which has caused some scary bleeding. Anyhow… my doctor assures me we are past the biggest hurdles, what with the successful procedure and out of the most at-risk time frame from complications from the hemmorhage. However… I’m experiencing a ton of dis-ease and depression and anxiety surrounding both the pregnancy and around my mental health itself, as since I went through psychosis and mania once it seems within the realm of possibility that I might be susceptible to it again under the ‘right’ circumstances or level of stress. But I have to think too that the trauma of the stillbirth, losing our son that way, that nothing is likely to come that close and hit that hard. Of course there’s the possibility of another loss but the likelihood statistically I know is low. In any case… it’s hard to get through the days and hold onto faith that this pregnancy may turn out okay and that I’ll be able to continue to manage my mental health and get enough support to stay healthy and well. I’m trying to reach out to friends and family more and be more honest with my care team when I’m struggling. I’ve also started writing again on the health blog I had last year when I was in the hospital. I also submitted a personal PPP survivor account of my experience to the Massachusetts PPP hospital and research program. I’m trying to find ways to get support and also start to make meaning and find my way in the world having had this illness but having come out the other side and am rehabilitating relatively well. What have your biggest mental roadblocks been that you’ve had to overcome in order to accept the history of your illness, and move forward in life integrating that experience into the greater whole? How do you not let it threaten your identity, but have grace and let it lift you into a new and better chapter? These are the areas in which I’d like to focus the next year of my recovery. Thank you for your insight in advance.

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Dear AinslW

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope the rest of your pregnancy will go well, sorry you've had some complications at the beginning. I'm so sorry too to hear about your experience of PP after stillbirth, which must have been so traumatic.

You ask good questions about how to integrate your experience. My name is Ellie, and I'm one of APP's national peer support coordiantors.

I have found peer support was one of the main ways I came to terms with what happened, and it helped me process things emotionally. Writing on this forum, replying to others, and sharing my story, really helped me. It helped me create a narrative about what happened to me, and I think that really helped. I also found sharing with others really healing, that I could make a difference, and make something good out of what happened.

It's good you have shared your experience with the Massachusets Research programme, I imagine this could be one step in coming to terms with what happened.

I hope this helps, and I wish you all the best with your pregnancy. I'm glad you've found us here, and I'm sure you'll get some other good replies to your questions.

Ellie

[Maria_at_APP Moderator]

Hi AinslW, I am sorry to hear about your early complications in your pregnancy, but I am glad your doctor has been reassuring about having overcome the worse already. It sounds like you are having amazing follow up, which is excellent news.

You ask a very important question at the moment, and it is true that the way to heal from the trauma is to integrate it into the narrative of our lives. You are doing the right things at the moment, reaching out more to friends and family and also to your team when you need more support. That shows great awareness and initiative from your side, excellent tools to have on your kit already. I would suggest exploring the possibility of accessing some trauma therapy even though you sound like you are doing well at the moment, in case the depression and anxiety around this pregnancy do not allow yourself to enjoy this special period in your life.

Take good care, I hope writing here and in your blog is helping understand your experience and gain a sense of community after what can be such an isolating time. All the best on this pregnancy