Partner suffering Post Partum Psychosis need advice

[Faisy786]

Hi,

My partner seems to be suffering from post partum psychosis, all the symptoms align and I’ve spoken to a gp friend of mine who thinks the same. It is currently undiagnosed.

A bit of background.

Me and my wife are over 5 years married now, have suffered one miscarriage and this is our first child. We have had an happy fulfilling marriage, with a couple of ups and downs thrown in, but overall happy.

So when we found out my wife was pregnant we was over the moon and ecstatic. During the pregnancy my wife worked from home full time (I preferred if she didn’t work, but she wanted to), she had minimal symptoms apart from some episodes of hyper emotion along the way. However, 2 months before the baby was born she had a suicidal episode, where one she wanted to cut her wrists (the reasoning seemed exaggerated and irrational). We provided her loads of additional support and she seemed back to normal.

We agreed that once the baby was born, that she would live with her parents for 30 days as is custom for south asian families for the extra support. And that she can visit our house during the weekends and some days during the week.

Leading upto when my wife and baby was due to come back home, my wife’s behaviour started to change. Wherein she was displaying varying emotion from lack of emotion to overly emotional.

Then suddenly she stopped visiting our home and cut off all ties with my family (she was very close with the girls in my family, cousins etc). Her personality had changed completely and she was displaying extreme paranoia (thoughts of us taking baby, poisoning food etc). She also become completely emotionless at this stage, she was jumping from idea to idea. Her memory seemed to become impaired and she said she could only recall dark memories and not feel happiness. At this stage I tried convincing her to seek help, she refused and insisted I wasn’t to be trusted and I had an ulterior motive.

I still visit them every day, and I even managed to convince her to start leaving the house. But that has stopped due to the baby starting teething.

Thankfully she was still ok with looking after the baby (seems so), apart from not giving him Calpol and monitoring the number of feeds he was drinking less (teething).

I am massively summarising things, her family is South Asian and relatively simple people. As such they don’t believe in mental health issues and see them as a lack of faith. And as such they see it as an insult to even suggest such a thing.

So rather than address the issue or even acknowledge it they buy into the delusions. My attempts at helping through her friends or family have almost led to marriage breakdown.

I want to engage with health care professionals now, but I’m in a precarious position as she’s not currently living with me. Her family are resistant to this help as is she, she thinks she’s completely fine even though she’s had self realisation early on and wanted help.

What should I do?

Are the mental health teams use to these situations? Would they tell my wife that I raised the concerns? Ideally I need them to assess her and help her tactfully.

I’m based in England if that helps direct me to the appropriate people.

I appreciate all the help, this is putting untold stress on myself and my family. I’m also extremely worried for the well-being of my wife and child.

[Zebunisa_at_APP Moderator]

Hi Faisy786,

Sorry to hear you are going through this. Things like this happen when we least expect it and we can never be prepared enough but I'm glad you found this platform. I'm sure you will get some reassuring responses.

We too went through this situation last year when I was suffering with Postpartum psychosis. My husband felt alone and didn't think anyone was taking my illness seriously. Unfortunately the Asian community don't really believe in mental health. Once I was diagnosed they believed it but before that they didn't understand me being ill. My husband did however and at the time he did a bit of google-ing and found the number for the crisis team, they advised him and came out to assess me and I was given help almost immedietly. I was admitted to a mother and baby unit. I am fully recovered now. I must say the services are great with helping you, so make sure to reach out to them!

Perhaps you could contact the community midwife team and express your concerns and they would make judgement of what your wife needs.

Just to reassure you, there's light at the end of the tunnel. I hope you can have your little family reunited again soon. Be patient and don't be too hard on yourself. Things will get better.

Take care

[Faisy786 in reply to Zebunisa_at_APP]

Hey,

Im glad things worked out for your family, being in the situations now I realise how bad things can get. I could potentially lose my wife to this.

Did you know that your husband raised the alarm at the time?

Also if my wife lies to them due to her paranoia, will this stop her getting the help she needs?

Thanks again

[Zebunisa_at_APP Moderator in reply to Faisy786]

Hi Faisy786,

When situations like this happen we see no light but I must reassure you it will get better.

When I was unwell my husband was communicating with the services and they worked together with him to ensure someone came and saw/assessed me. The services are absolutely fantastic. If you mention your situation they will surely assist you.

I think what Ellie (below) has suggested for you would be great. Contact your wife's health visitor, the community midwife team or the perinatal mental health team whichever you find, they all work together in situations like these. Let them come and assess your wife and then see what they say. Also, mention to them what you see in your wife/her change of behaviour and they will use this when assessing her.

I hope she gets the care she needs as soon as possible.

Best of luck

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Faisy786

Welcome to the forum and congratulations on the birth of your baby. It’s such a shame that your wife is suffering at the moment and in denial about how ill she might be.

I had PP many years ago when mental health was very much in the shadows. My family thought I would be judged so my husband was not allowed to talk about it and they took me and our baby to their flat. Unfortunately in those days my GP would not visit as I was out of the area and my parents’ GP would not visit as I was not his patient. I was eventually sectioned at their flat, for my own safety, into mixed general psychiatric care.

I wonder if the frequently asked questions page might be helpful at app-network.org/what-is-pp/faq? There are also personal stories and other resources on the page.

I hope my experience has not worried you. If your wife is suffering from PP it is a temporary and very treatable illness. I hope your wife will be seen by the professionals for the help she needs. For now, remember to take care of yourself too at such a stressful time.

Thanks for writing ... we are all here to listen.

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Dear Faisy786,

I'm so glad that you have found us and reached out here. My name is Ellie, I'm one of APP's National Peer Support Coordinator's, and had postpartum psychosis myself in 2011.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, and that you are very concerned about your wife. You have already got some good support here. And it's really good that you've been able to reach out to a friend too.

I would recommend that you get professional help too though as you have written, I know there are some complications about getting her help.

I wonder if first it would be helpful for you to write down everything you have observed (a bit like you did here), being very specific, and with examples - particularly about current symptoms that you're witnessing. And also from now on keep some notes ongoing, and as specific as possible - e.g. writing down things she says that concerns you, or erratic behaviour etc. This can all be good 'evidence' for a professional who may not witness the behaviour themselves when they go to see her.

And I would definitely contact her midwifery or health visiting team (I'm not sure who she is under at the moment, you may know?), or GP, and explain the situation, and exactly what symptoms you've witnessed. I would explain the complexities with the family, and whether going to see her and assessing her could be done in a sensitive way, without mentioning that you've raised concerns.

Ideally, it would be good if you can get her to be assessed by the perinatal mental health team. This is a team that specialises in supporting mums who are unwell in the perinatal period. Another professional should be able to refer her for help from that team, either a GP, midwife, or health visitor.

I also wanted to make sure that you have seen our information as well, we have some information for partners on our website. You may have found it all already:

app-network.org/partners/

If you'd find it helpful to talk with one of us, including with someone from a South Asian background, please do get in touch. You can email us at [e-mail]

It sounds like you are doing a brilliant job as her husband, looking at ways to get her help and support in what sounds like a complicated situation. Do know you can write on here whenever you want, with more questions, or anything you need.

Do take care, and I really hope you can get your wife the support she needs.

Ellie

[Faisy786 in reply to Ellie_at_APP]

Thanks for taking the time out to reply Ellie.

I think speaking to someone would help especially if they are of south Asian background.

I’m struggling with next steps due to the complexity of my situation.

So any and all help is appreciated.

If I ring the perinatal mental health team directly will this be the best way forward? Or does the referral have to come from another healthcare professional?

[Maria_at_APP Moderator]

Hello Faisy786,

Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry to read of your wife's concerning symptoms.

As others have said, the first port of call can be either your GP or Health visitor, contact them and raise what you have observed so far. I also wonder if when she had her episode during pregnancy she received help from the community perinatal mental health team and if you still have their numbers. Also NHS trusts usually have a single point of access telephone number for mental health emergencies, this is out of hours so you can contact them at any time if you are worried for her safety. And please do not hesitate to go to your local A&E if it is an emergency.

It must be very difficult to not be able to count with the support from her family, is there any friend or family member who understands this as an illness and that she trusts? Perhaps your GP friend?

From my experience of pp, I could be very centered at times and was very rational in between episodes. I would venture that it is not uncommon for pp to present that way at the beginning. So in answer to your question, mental health professionals, specially in the perinatal field would have encountered a similar situation before.

Please do seek professional help and also be mindful of yourself as this illness takes a large toll on the partner. Despite all this it is also very recoverable and though your wife may seem not herself at the moment she can make a full recovery from it.

[Faisy786 in reply to Maria_at_APP]

Thanks Emi for taking the time out to respond it’s much appreciated.

You are right if the triggers are avoided and certain topics are also avoided, my wife seems quite rationale.

Unfortunately the people she trusts don’t believe in ppd or pps. And her family are generally quite reclusive by nature, they don’t tend to venture out much and sleep in most of the day, so they don’t see anything wrong with her behaviour as this is their norm.

I don’t think the household is a healthy environment for my son to be tbh. There’s 10 people living in a 3 bedroom terraced property with a tiny living room and kitchen.

I did once ring the health visitor early on over the phone, however she didn’t take me seriously due to the fact my wife had told them she was having problems with me and my family. So rather than querying my concerns, the phone clerk just cut me off and said these are domestic issues.

My gp friend has advised me to seek medical attention.

I am definitely going to seek medical attention, but I don’t know how to go about it in a tactful way. Ie. I don’t want myself cut off by her family to stop me helping her.

[Maria_at_APP Moderator in reply to Faisy786]

Hi Faisy786,

I am so sorry to hear about your experience with the health visiting team. In that case try her GP or the perinatal mental health team.

I would suggest mention how your wife and her family view mental health to the PMH team when you talk to them. They will be able to advice you on how to speak to your wife and will be aware when they talk to her.

I'll be thinking of you and your wife, taje good care

[Faisy786 in reply to Maria_at_APP]

Thanks for the help Emi. Can I just google the number for my local perinatal mental health team?

Thanks

[Maria_at_APP Moderator in reply to Faisy786]

Hi Faisy786,

Yes, you should be able to google perinatal mental health for your local community. All the best

[Faisy786]

Thanks for the advice guys. Il have a read of that forum shortly.

I’m worried by not going down the medical route, I may have passed the time I could get them involved.

I forgot to mention in my earlier post what my wife’s delusions were and how they have changed over time.

Initially they were irrational fear and hatred towards myself, my family and our house (week 3-6 after birth). Thereafter, it was just my family and our house. I agreed to purchase another property and started working on getting my wife out during the days etc. Initially she engaged with this and showed signs of improvement, even staying back at ours for one weekend (she said she’d come back for weekends until we got our own property).

However our son started teething over that weekend, and this led her to becoming reclusive again and moving back to her mums.

Also from my realisation that this was ppd at the minimum with possible psychosis. I quickly worked out what the triggers were (anything she felt she owned or was close to her), her money she didn’t want to spend her own (she has my card, she also wants me to pay her 12k tax bill), her car (we have 2 between us but we use to share and we used her car more as it had the baby seat) her family and me (anyone spends time with them or me seems to set her off). Lastly any mention of mental health (she’s an ACP that works in GP practice) triggers her really badly.

Once she began isolating herself again, I tried reaching out to her best friend to see if she could also support her this was around 2-3 weeks ago. Her friend seemed understanding and said she’d help, but upon meeting her for the first time on the Friday gone she shared screenshots of the messages I sent her. This triggered another “episode” with my wife wherein she now thinks I’m trying to take the baby or have another agenda.

Her parents summoned me my mum and my uncle to discuss things about marriage (my wife had told them about me speaking to her friend). Knowing what they was like, at the meeting I just apologised and didn’t mention the mental health issues as this would cause them to push for separation rather than accept my wife needs help. They had my wife present during these discussions, where her dad was berating me for being a bad person and husband. I hate this about Asian culture, it’s odious.

The reason I’m mentioning all the above is, because I feel I am the only one who understands that my wife needs help and support. Once the family sever me from the relationship with my wife, I think it will be very difficult to help her.

I’m currently trying to build up the courage to ring the perinatal mental health team as I feel they'll be best placed to help. I know subtlety will be key, because if my wife or her family think I’m trying to help through the medical route they will cut me off.

I feel this will be my last shot at helping my wife and saving my family.

[Zebunisa_at_APP Moderator]

Hi Faisy786,

My husband went through the same thing where he was told he was a bad husband and to get on with it and made to feel useless. It was a difficult time for us during my Postpartum psychosis period but as soon as I got the help I needed things got better.

I hope this platform or my message encourages you to ring the perinatal mental health team and speak with them. They will follow protocol & ensure your wife gets the help she needs.

You sound like a supportive husband and even though your wife doesn't realise it right now that's exactly what she needs right now.

Sending you courage and support, you can do this!

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Hello Faisy786,

I’m sorry to read about your wife’s symptoms and the difficult situation you’re now in with her and her family. Well done for reaching out for support here, I hope the replies have been helpful and that you’re able to access some help.

I Googled the perinatal mental health team for my area out of interest and found information on a webpage which included how to access the service (a referral would be needed from another healthcare professional such as GP, health visitor or midwife), what to expect, as well as information on other services and details such as how to contact the local Mental Health Access Team (services probably have different names and set ups in different areas) should urgent support be needed out of hours. I hope you’re able to find the same information for your area, either online or via your GP or health visiting team. NHS111 may also be able to help in terms of signposting to local services and are available to contact 24/7 by dialling 111.

I hope you’re able to speak to someone soon and that by chatting it through they will understand and respect the discretion and sensitivity required.

Sending you very best wishes,

Jenny

[Jenny_at_APP Partner in reply to Jenny_at_APP]

I also found the following which may contain some helpful advice more generally - rethink.org/advice-and-info...

Best wishes,

Jenny

[Pikorua Volunteer]

I am so sorry for your distress Faisy786. I hope you will have the courage to contact appropriate mental health team in your locality.

We have had difficult times, too, but totally different circumstances. My partner had to convince the local mental health team that I was seriously ill and not just living with the baby blues. This was in 2010. Health care has moved on since with MBU's and perinatal mental health care for women.

I am sure you will be able to find the appropriate contact. You have had some very good advice and keep factual and evidence based when talking to health professionals, despite those extreme emotional circumstances.

At the end one has to reassure mum and baby are safe and that mum gets appropriate help as quickly as possible if diagnosed with PPP.

Good luck and my heart goes out to you! We are in the background, it is a great support system, this forum. Take good care of your own mental health.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Faisy786

I hope you are well and that your wife is slowly recovering. I wondered if you had been able to contact the local perinatal mental health team for advice? I’m sorry you are in a stressful situation. Take good care of yourself.