Long recovery process.

I Haven’t been on here much recently as I was too busy with life and I’ll be honest I sometimes try to forget postpartum psychosis happened to me. The frustrating thing is despite trying to do all the right things, meds, psychiatric help and seeing a counsellor it still keeps rearing it’s ugly head. My son is nearly 3 now and I suppose I’m just frustrated and disappointed that just when you think you have beat this illness something can trigger horrible memories and anxiety. My oldest daughter is 19 and had a beautiful baby boy on Thursday. Being back in the hospital where I had my son and then had to spend time without him in the psychiatric ward has triggered horrible anxiety. This has left me feeling sad and frustrated as I was just beginning to think I had recovered from this illness. I will beat this and keep fighting, glad I remembered that I could reach out to this group. Hope everyone is keeping well. X

[hgallo Volunteer]

Hi there, I just wanted to offer some words of support to you. I had pp back in 2016 after my twin girls were born. I then had a brief episode in 2018, stress induced. I remember being frustrated too, and still am a bit! I felt sad that it had returned.

But my second episode was much less extreme and I did stay at home, albeit heavily medicated. I think it's normal to feel triggered when you remember what happened, pp is a horrible illness. But one blip doesn't mean you're not recovering. It's a bumpy road! Stay strong mama and take all the support you can get. We're here for you too x

[Pikorua Volunteer]

Hello J42018,

it is so therapeutic to write down our feelings knowing that we are being understood by other mums who had to follow the same footprints of this traumatic illness, -yet our template and path of recovery can be diverse.

APP has helped me to relate to similar stories and receive compassionate support.

Flashbacks are quite common occurrence when the body is trying to heal on so many levels.

All my triggers always have been leading to fear and anxiety and/or IBS, just to mention some of the struggles.

When entering hospitals, such as having to visit relatives, I always have had to be guided through the corridors by my partner. Being so extremely anxious always lead to exhaustion.

In addition I always have been suffering with auditory and olfactory sensory neurons,-in fact the sensory processing always can bring me right back to those memories/flash backs.

Yet, the body is an amazing mechanical vehicle and can self-heal, if appropriate support and advise is given (health professionals, family and friends). I developed my toolkit over the years and manage to lead an authentic and natural life style, despite having a bipolar 1 diagnosis.

I , too, recovered from PPP and it probably took a bit longer, because of not receiving appropriate treatment or being able to access an MBU.

Thus, all in stepping stones and allow yourself time to heal.

[Varvarita]

Hi dear J42028! Congratulations on your oldest daughter having a baby boy!!! you are a young grandmother now! How does she feel btw? Is she fine in terms of her postpartum mental health? I’m so proud of you - you gave life to your daughter and now she has given another life, all the difficulties you had to overcome as a mother had lead to a great result in this circle of life! ♥️

I’m so sorry that hospital memories triggered horrible anxiety - but it doesn’t mean that you haven’t overcome the horrible illness of PPP - being anxious doesn’t mean you are psychotic.

Everyone is different but i think this level of sadness and anxiousness we sometimes reach after our postpartum illness is more like an ugly scar after PPP, which can sometimes hurt so much.

Is your anxiety more of a feeling which absorbs you and your thoughts or it’s also a sensation in your body which prevents you from performing your daily routine normally?

[Kat_at_APP Volunteer]

Hi J42018

Huge congratulations on the birth of your grandson. That’s so wonderful - but yes I can imagine it might have brought up all sorts of difficult memories for you.

The one thing that jumps out at me from your thoughtful post here is how hard you are on yourself. That you feel you should have moved past the difficulties, or somehow been able to forget anything ever happened. Sadly things rarely work out that way - life is hard, it involves a lot of suffering, but we can learn to live with the suffering and find the joy too. There’s a lovely field of mental health therapy called self compassion - or compassion focused therapy. Search “Susan Pollak” for lots of free self compassion resources for parents - it’s been life changing for me.

Hope this helps. Take care - and be kind to yourself.

Kat xx

[Rachel_at_APP Partner APP]

Evening J42018,

Firstly congratulations on becoming a granny/grandma/nana? What have you gone for? My Mum is known as Nana, but my husbands Mum is Grannie so we have one of each!

I'm so sorry that what should ordinarily be a purely joyous and proud time for you, has also been touched by anxiety as you describe, that is so tough for you. Don't be too hard on yourself, it's ok to feel this way. Three years still isn't that long since your experience is it. Anyone can be triggered by things unexpectedly, especially after the trauma we have all gone through. And it is a huge trauma to go through.

Try not to let this moment lead you to think you've not recovered. You are beating it, every single day. Be kind to yourself. It must be hugely emotional, seeing your baby have a baby - it brings up all sorts of emotions, so to meet your grandchild (an emotional thing anyway!) and he being a boy like your son, and in the same hospital, it's quite a big moment for you and your family. Take a big breath. Give yourself a massive hug, lots of cups of tea (if that's your thing) and take each day as it comes. Don't hesitate to visit your GP anytime, they're there to support you.

So glad you remembered to write, and reach out as you say. We're all here for you, anytime.

Rachel x