When my milk first came in on the second night after birth I was absolutely overcome by this pure saturated sadness that I'd never felt before it was a different feeling and I've been on and off antidepressants for the last 5 years but anyway I coped that night and was sent home the next morning. I'm pretty sure breast feeding was a pretty big trigger for me, so many fluctuating hormones that come with it. When I went to the mental hospital 3 weeks post birth I was struggling to keep breastfeeding but I was struggling even more with the thought of stopping. They were so worried when I presented by the state I was in and they wanted me to go on highest dose of Olanzipine (zyprexa) antipsychotic straight away. I refused to take it coz of the stigma attached at first. They gave me two strong sleeping tablets to knock me out coz I had only slept about 15 hours in 3 weeks. They came back hours later and I was still wired with worry. The next night they said if I didn't take the 20mgs of olanzipine then I would be sectioned to the public metal health ward which has a bad rep and so after about 16 attempts I swallowed it, the next day I met with the psych and she discussed me giving up breast feeding because they'd actually started me on a schedule where they woke me up 3 hourly at night to express so my milk didn't dry up (under a random midwives guidelines) the psych was not happy with that arrangement at all so they let me sleep instead and I expressed for three weeks but by the time I came out of hospital my baby girl was so established with formula feeding by my mum and her dad (my husband) that I ended up giving up completely, but for me I believe it helped me to get better from the acute crisis phase so much faster. I was devastated though about stopping, I felt everyone would think so much less of me for formula feeding And i was really strongly criticising myself in my head for being useless. I still wish I was breast feeding. But stopping was one of the things that helped save me and I can try again with he next baby if I'm lucky enough to get pregnant in a couple of years.
Last edited by angviolet
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