23 weeks pregnant and really scared.

I have been receiving 1 to 1 support on here for a few weeks now but I'm braving writing something on the board.

I had pp after my second daughter was born 11 years ago. I spent time in a mum and baby room off a mixed psych ward. No one ever discussed with me anything about my pp (that I can remember anyway) and I only found out that was what it was about 6 months later when they wrote to me asking me to be part of a study of women who had had pp. I struggled for months and months. I ended up addicted to prescribed diazepam and a few years later was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I got on mood stabilisers and never looked back. I led a very 'normal' life. I've worked for the last 6 years, I got my driving licence back (I had to give up driving when I was ill), my children had a very stable life and although I had normal ups and downs I felt happy. I didn't realise quite how good the quetiapine was at keeping me stable.

After much soul searching we decided we would like another baby. I am lucky that unlike when I has my daughter there is now a perinatal team. I saw them for pre conception advice in 2013. My husband had had a vasectomy after my daughter due to the pp/mania/depression that followed her birth. So we privately got a reversal and I am now 23 weeks pregnant with a little boy. It has been a roller coaster.

I came off my meds as soon as I found out I was pregnant. I had almost expected never to get pregnant with my hubby having to have the reversal, and I had polycystic ovaries too, so it was a massive shock. I had come off my quetiapine completely by 6 weeks. It was too fast but I was convinced by taking it I was killing my baby.

I saw the perinatal cpn at 8 weeks. She has been a rock. I was very very low until about 17 weeks. I had to stop work and had the crisis team involved. I was utterly convinced I'd hurt my baby. In the end it was decided that I needed to go back on my quetiapine, but at a much lower dose than my usual dose. I'm on 100mg instead of 400mg. I had a few weeks of not sleeping much. Having more energy and at times feeling i could take on the world. My hubby said i was hypomanic. But now I can feel myself slipping again.

I don't want to say anything to my cpn or husband just yet as I don't know whether I'm being too reactionary. My husband is really snappy too at the moment, I guess he's got a lot going on too. I have close friends but at the moment I'm putting that mask up because I know they must be completely sick of me by now. I'm so scared it's affecting my children. My eldest is nearly 14 and has developed a tiny bald patch on her scalp, I am so scared it's alopecia because Ive stressed her out so much. I feel so selfish, I've not thought of anybody around me. Maybe even writing this is selfish? I just need to write it down because it goes round and round my head.

I hate myself for what I'm putting my family through so I'm trying so hard to keep it together when inside I'm falling to pieces. And my cpn too, I'm scared what she must think because I'm a mess and my emotions are all over the place.

I have a birth plan meeting next week at the hospital. I am terrified. I have to go to the same hospital as there isn't any others. I have to go straight on the meds at my full dose as soon after i give birth as possible. No breastfeeding (that's my hubbys wishes). I feel I'm letting my little boy down. I couldn't breastfeed my daughter because I was too ill. I breastfed my eldest. My cpn has talked about the mbu, but it's 60 miles away. (The one I was in after my daughter shut). I can't leave my other children because they are older and understand.

I feel I'm quietly falling apart at the moment. I've started to get intrusive thoughts again. I had them when I was very low before. I want to curl up in bed and not wake up.

I'm sorry I've written so much. Im sorry if I've written in too much detail. I don't want to upset anyone, I'm just feeling very scared. I am trying to do all my coping strategies to stop the depression but at the moment they aren't working very well but I really am trying.

Thanks for reading xxx

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Purplestar1

Thank you for sharing your story on the forum. I'm sorry you're struggling at the moment and I hope it has helped to write it here. This is a very emotional time for you and I'm glad you are receiving 1 to 1 support.

I think you should be guided by your care team and be as honest with them as you have been here. If they know how you really feel they can support you and discuss your fears.

Take very good care.

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hello purplestar1, I'm so sorry to hear that things are hard. It is a scarey time being pregnant again after pp, I hope writing your thoughts and feelings here has been helpful as well as with your 1:1.

If you can try and share your fears with your partner and care team, I really do think that could help. That will at least give the best chance at further support to help at this difficult time.

I know what you're saying about the MBU being a long way away and your older children, as my nearest unit also closed and with my subsequent pregnancy I'd have had to travel. But they really are the best places to get well if you need them and this could be something to consider, possibly as a planned admission. I just know I would have preferred to be away and getting better rather than trying to stay at home and being ill. It's a very personal choice though and something to perhaps discuss with your husband and care team.

Take care, xx

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Thank you for replying. My confidence is quite low so I was convinced no one would reply.

I've got my cpn on Tuesday so I'll try and talk to her then.

I need to make an appt for my daughter with our gp about her hair. It's worrying me so much that I've caused it by stressing her out. I've put her hair up in a way that covers it but I'm so worried.

X

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

We are here for you even though you have 1 to 1 support. It really will make such a difference if you can talk to your CPN on Tuesday so that she can support you.

Not easy I know but try not to worry about your daughter's hair loss, it might be an infection which can be treated. As mums we always tend to think the worst but I hope when she sees your GP you will be reassured that it is treatable.

Take care and rest when you can.

[Maxi0501]

Hi Purplestar

I just wanted to give you a hug and tell you you're not alone. I agree with the other girls, tell your CPN everything as soon as you can so she can help you to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

One of my biggest problems when I had PP 2 years ago was that I didn't tell anyone about my paranoia and strange thoughts out of fear, but if I had have, I would have been helped sooner. You'll get through this, you're very strong. You got through it last time and you'll do it again. xo

[violetx]

Hello Purplestar

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Iam also pregnant expecting my second child. Iam 34 weeks.

I understand how you are feeling it is normal to have these thoughts and worries of becoming unwell again. I will be honest when i first found out i was a mess and its been a rollercoaster of whats ifs. It was unexpected and at the time was on quietipin and sodium valporate. Its advised to come off sodium valporate when trying to concieve as it ia dangerous. So i stopped taking that and have stayed on quietipin 300mg. It was stressfull until my 12 week scan and was a relief to be told the fetus was fine.

I have had seen a mental health midwife with my cpn to discuss what my wishes and ideas of plans i want in place. So we put pen to paper and i expressed that i would like to stay in hospital after birth for a few nights in my own room. So i can rest and be closely monitoured. Discussed that ny two year old will be looked after between family members. Spoke about medication and would be going back on sodium valporate and increase of quietipin. Im sure this could be changed depending on my mood etc. There will be an official meeting before being discharged by all professionals involved. I plan to go back to my mums for a few days and then go home and plan to just rest and accept all the help i can get. Will have my cpn see me regularly and on call. Also have mental health nurses or homecare as there called come out to me to monitor me and ensure im taking meds. So thats a rough idea of how it should go once baby is born.

Dont feel bad or guilty. It is not your fault that you became unwel. To have plans put in place is the best thing you can do for you and your family. Write down the things you want or any questiona you might have. Ive asked a few like will i go to the mother and baby unit if absoloutley necessary. And hopefully if i dont become so unwell again this would be the plan. Try not to crticise yourself so much everything your doing such as taking your meds is doing the best you can do to remain well.

Please read my recent posts as there will be much more points that will re assure you. Such as a detaila of the therapist that i see once a week. And the practice of balanced thoughts we have discussed and how to be kind to myself. For example my worries include 'what if i become unwel and have to go mother and baby unit and leave my 2 year old' VS 'my partner will bring him to see me regularly and i can take him out on leave. Being in there will be the best thing i can do for myself and my children'.

Rather thab stressing my self out so much of what if what if i get ill again. I have accepted that there is a risk, However iam on medication so should act as a buffer, professionals know what they are dealing with me and so i believe i should recover alot more quickly and it will not escalte no where near as it did the first time. Remember you know what phychosis is now and so does your family. So you have everyone on board and they know what signs/symptoms to look for.

Message me anytime if you have anymore questions. Hope i have given you some re assurance. Stay positive and look forward to your baby.

Read my other posts im sure theres more i didnt cover here.

Wish you all the best

Violet x

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Thank you for your reply Violet. And congratulations on your pregnancy too.

I'm glad you've got everything in place. I'm on quetiapine too, but only 150mg. My maintenance dose is normally 400mg.

Take care and I hope you have a smooth rest of your pregnancy and birth x