Recovery

[mrsN05]

Hi all I posted on here 2 years ago talking about Psychosis after the birth of my son in 2010. I had a little girl the year before who lived only 8 hours but no PPP there just grieving. I have gone on to have another son last year he is 18 months now. My GP is fantastic and referred me to all the right people. They didn't think I needed preventative medication as I made a full recovery after the first episode and weaned off olanzapi r and sodium valproate after 9 months. I wasn't hospitalised on that occasion. So they watched and waited after birth of my 2nd son. I was very anxious and was obsessed with getting past day 10 because that was when I became ill before. At day 10 again I became rapidly mentally unwell. Because it was night somebody came and I was aware of what was happening and was told to go to a hospital a few hours later. But I then thought I had something physical wrong and dragged my dad to our local hospital which has a very basic minor injuries unit. I ranted on for almost 12 hours. During which time a doctor assessed me and I was meant to be taken to a MBU in Eastbourne. But it got too late.. My dad thinks paperwork was not done properly and I just wanted to go home. But I couldn't in the state I was in. All the stuff has said and thought in my first episode was coming back. I then spent the night in a hospital for mentally ill. Was transferred to the MBU where I spent 4 weeks with my baby which was very helpful. After a few days on medication I started to improve. Only olanzapine this time. 10 mg at night and 2.5 in morning. Also a sleeping tablet for a week or two. I came home after 4 weeks. It wasn't easy, I struggled as my husband works away but he did take a lot of time off. I was anxious and panicked sometimes about getting out with the baby but as the medication reduced and I got well this got better. The side effects for me were so horrible. Tired all the time. Emotions cut off. I stayed on olanzapine for a year. Was on 2.5mg by the end. I have been off it for 5 months now. I have recovered but I couldn't cry until about 2 months ago. Get angry it happened to me. See all theses mums who sail through..breastfeeding which I had to stop. Only saw APP on facebook didn't know about them. But did know about this forum. It's nice to know I am not the only one and show you can recover. I love my sons very much. Still think about my experiences tho. Probably did have "normal" post natal depression too but didn't want any more medication. Thanks Sarah

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Hi Sarah,

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry for the loss of your first child and that you went on to suffer PP twice.

I'm sure it will take time to process everything and come to terms with something so traumatic and unfair, but hopefully time will be that great healer it's famous for. Feeling angry and resentful is definitely very natural. Crying is surely a good sign of finally being able to release some of that pain.

Have you had any counselling at all, either time? I don't know if you find that talking about things helps, I know it's not for everyone, but this forum is certainly a great place to come for support. We all understand, I'm sure we've all wondered 'why me?' and felt bitter that it had to happen to us. I hope in time you maybe feel stronger for it all, that you know what a great mum you are to your boys and what a brave lady you are to have gone through everything you've gone through.

Look after yourself x

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Dear Sarah

Thanks so much for sharing your story. It was very moving. You have been through so much. And it's an important story to tell to give hope to others.

It's funny, I was at Eastbourne MBU too in 2011 for four months. I haven't met anyone on here who was there also. I couldn't fault them, they were amazing. I have heard it has closed now. In a strange way I have some important and special memories from there, difficult memories as well of course.

It's good to hear you have recovered well.

Take care X

[mrsN05 in reply to Ellie_at_APP]

Thanks 😄 good to talk about things sometimes. It would be a shame if Eastbourne closed. It was amazing and the people who worked there were too. We went back in summer last year for their garden party. Think they only had one or two patients then. Compared to the 6 or 7 they had when I was there. As someone said before don't think they all had same as me but we all supported eachother too. More like a B and B than a hospital which is not what I imagined before. Their website is still there... X

[Ellie_at_APP Partner in reply to mrsN05]

Ah I planned to go to the summer party too but I couldn't make the date, I had been really looking forward to seeing them all again!

Yes it was such a good atmosphere, I know what you mean about it seeming more like a B&B rather than a hospital!

Take care