“Sleep is good, death is better; but of course, the best thing would to have never been born at all.”
― Heinrich Heine circa...................a long time ago
Heinrich Heine : “Sleep is good, death... - Anxiety and Depre...
Heinrich Heine
30 Replies
•
Welcome to this site!! If you are able to, can you tell a little more about why you feel the way you do. Again, I guarantee you are not alone in your feelings.
in reply to b1b1b1
Hey b1b1b1. we meet again. I have always remembered the quotation, but I did look it up to be sure I didn't butcher it too badly. Mr. Heine lived in the late 18th century thru the mid 19th. Interestingly, there are a large group of people who theorize that a lot of Poe's work was darkly sarcastic. Maybe so. Conversely, Mr. Heine had a way with words, but I personally never thought he was going for a bit of a laugh. Still, how would I know? Why do I feel so miserable you ask? Oh dear, that's a long post in the offing. should I try?
XecratedParagon in reply to
I'm going to be 43 this year and I think I can probably relate to you.I've never experienced being in a mutual loving relationship; I've always been abused by men and now single for going on 8 years because I was fed up with it. I've had depression basically my whole life and I'm just so tired... with life as a whole. I feel like I've been through enough and hope I don't live to be a senior citizen because I'm just so tired.
in reply to XecratedParagon
oh wow......I'm sorry you feel that way. but it's completely understandable. I don't feel like going anyplace myself. If you don't mind me asking, do you mean you have never been in a mutual loving relationship because relationships that have had were just more trouble than they were literally worth? Or do you mean, no relationships at all? In my own 66 years, I have only had a couple of long term relationships, and they were total disasters. The longest was 9 years. it was awful. I wish I had THAT 9 years to do over again. If I did? have it to do over? I WOULDN'T. good riddance. it's just sad it took so long to finally pack my saddlebags and ride ol' Glueboy back to my own side of town, and never speak to that particular lady EVER again. How is your job? bearable? I hope so.
I know how you feel. I am 70. The lifelong rejection from people and jobs is very painful. You wonder why some people get everything they want so easily and I struggle to get anything at all.
in reply to KrierandRosie
Hi KrierandRosie, and thanks for your nice comment. I am sorry to hear you are struggling with anything at all in your life. I hope you don't mind me asking you this, but is your health holding up pretty well at 70? Well enough to struggle thru each day as it comes? I suppose all of our trials and tribulations are just part of Life's Rich Tapestry. only joking. Life's rich pile of manure, more like. still, it is what it is I guess. I do hope you tittered at least a little bit at my sledgehammer sarcasm. And thanks again for your kind words. i will look at your profile and see which part of the Big Blue Marble you hail from 😉
I have some illness but mostly I am physically ok. I live in Ohio, the useless state.
As I have often contemplated my place and value to the world, I hadn't really thought about not being born. I was an accident kid, was sick through elementary, then turned into psycho athlete, band, theater, student council, job type A maniac by high school. Thanks Dad for that.....! My goodness my parents love rubbing it my face that I was an accident. I'm glad to have been born but sad with the whole world. We are a global hot mess. You can quote me on that! Ha. I saw your post on being celibate. I'm only 43 and my husband is 40. My physical conditions prevent me from any sexual activity. We have stopped sleeping in the same room as I am up at all hours and he works to support me for insurance. I don't know how long he will be able to take it. Of course I miss the intimacy, but when you are in pain (both physical and mental), it isn't worth the risk. I often dream of letting him go so he can LIVE. He is 100% healthy and is now taking care of me and my three kids. I do as much as I can each day with whatever the cards are dealt.
in reply to 012703060610
I've read your post 4 times now, and still haven't figured out what to say. I will, but not just yet, apparently 
Intimacy needn't necessarily mean S*x, it can be a simple as a cuddle on the sofa, or a stroke on the arm in passing; just making the other feel appreciated.
Cheers, Midori
Sex is not love. I can't for sure say what love really is. But I think it's the hundreds of little supportive things that the person who matters does for you. Don't give up.
in reply to XecratedParagon
Don't give up on Love? Or don't give up on sex? I'm not sure what to think of either, honestly.
012703060610 in reply to
Why are we both up!?! Ha. If we are both US, we aren't sleeping like the rest of them all!
in reply to 012703060610
hey there! I'm not for certain sure about that 012703060610 I never sleep 7 or 8 hours any more. maybe 2 or 3, and then I'm up for awhile. then, I usually go back to bed, and the cycle continues. how bout yu? what's up in your world this time of day??????
012703060610 in reply to
I spend about 8 hours circling the toilet like a hawk taking down its prey. It starts whenever it starts and recently has started at midnight the past week. But, I tend to get a lot done in these wee hours with little kids in bed. Hence how could my husband sleep in the same bed.....I am up and down constantly too. I also suffer from chronic bladder inflammation and I might as well have a prostate of a 100 year old man. So the 8 hours I try to set aside for sleep, half is going to urinate a lot and the other half is usually bowel pain starting to creep in until I can't take it. I too only get a good stretch of 2-3 hours at most. Feels like a win when I can get that. Chronically being tired is awful! My stomach is paralyzed. Fixing this is complicated and requires something like a pace maker for your stomach or your vagus nerve. I'm working so hard to avoid any intervention. There is one med that helps digest the food, but side effects include Parkinson symptoms that don't go away. Love me my liquid/soft diet. How many eggs can a person eat in a year? Gosh, I don't even want to know. Mashed potatoes you say....Sounds good. Protein shake, fine, I'll drink them. Nice dinner out with husband at restaurant, no way. Might as well go direct to ER if we tried to go on a date night out!
in reply to 012703060610
>>My stomach is paralyzed. Fixing this is complicated and requires something like a pace maker for your stomach or your vagus nerve. I'm working so hard to avoid any intervention. There is one med that helps digest the food, but side effects include Parkinson symptoms that don't go away<< wow, sounds like a good med to avoid like the plague. what is this other thing you spoke of? some sort of surgical procedure? and what are the side effects of that? sorry for all the questions, I'm just trying to get my head around it. why do you want to avoid intervention? again, I'm just trying to figure out what the hell is going on. is there such a thing as insurance covering a nutritionist? for years, that was unheard of. I gave up on the idea years ago, and have not checked since. so I have no idea. years ago, I listened to a sort of book on tape thing of a guy who was a nutritioniist and a physician. he was really on about micronutrients, and he was REALLY fired up about the soil deoletion in modern farming. he was right about that. these days the soil is amended with the 3 basic nutrients that a home gardener would use to make rose bushes pretty. if ya look at the produce department, everything looks fantastic. but what about the micronutrients. the standard argument from other so called EGGZPERTS is that the plants themselves create the micronutrients themselves. I'm not so sure I believe that. by the way, I DID sleep about 3 hours since my last post to you. back up again, like clockwork
012703060610 in reply to
The surgical option for the mechanism would be a last resort. One goes into the brain to stimulate nerve (that sounds like not so good) and the other to the stomach to get it to move. Food just sits in there and sits in the acid. I have extreme GERD issues as well. Regardless, this is just a secondary issue to my health. I am known to have adhesion disease which means any surgery creates massive scar tissue. I have seen many surgeons begging for them to go in and clean it up again, but they just come back worse. The fourth time I had this done, the notes were clear that it is a disease and they can no longer be removed as they a surgeon wouldn't be able to tell the difference between scar tissue and real tissue.
So I have a terminal diagnosis. I have something called Relapsing Polychondritis which is autoimmune and attacks cartilage all over your body. We caught it pretty quickly, but is advancing quickly. It is degenerative and progressive like having parkinsons. I have constant ear pain (hallmark symptom). Lost the middle of nose already and just waiting for the entire nose and ear to collapse and I have airway involvement. My knees are shot as well as most joints. Many RP patients die from choking. I have had episodes of this. We haven't been able to put things into any type of remission without the meds wrecking my other organs or bones. It's either just bad or horrific. On top of that I also have Behcet's Diseases. The two combined are called MAGIC syndrome and only 30 or so folks have ever been reported to have both. There are overlapping symptoms between the two. In addition, I have connective tissue issues and microscopic colitis. As of last week, I am getting evaluated for POTS as well. My BP is all over the place and I woke up blind two days last week.
We have nutritionist on the list next if needed. I actually think insurance covers, especially when tied to living or dying. I know all the bad and good food though.....so if I slip, it's a mess. When all this came on I lost 40 pounds and I'm not large person. I have been able to maintain weight and nutrition (good bloodwork), it is just boring food and really don't feel any satisfaction. Eating is like a chore.
I'm on this forum because you can only imagine all that goes through my mind each day with this illness, young kids, husband laboring just for insurance, ex husband gets all of my disability money, and am waiting for the call that my Mom has passed at any point (she is in hospice). My anxiety used to just fuel my day in a good way. Now I go to bed anxious because I have no idea if I'll make it through the next day and what I'm supposed to be doing! I too have PTSD and when nightmares occur, forget the next day. I often end up in the fetal position unable to talk to anyone. There are a few repetitive dreams I get that are what I view Hades to be like if it exists. I guess on those nights, I'm glad to wake up!
I am originally from Western PA and it is now known several working plants in the area messed with the water....kind of like the whole Dupont ordeal in Ohio and WV. So many people I know from childhood have developed issues. A ton of Lyme as well.
in reply to 012703060610
>>So I have a terminal diagnosis<< ..............do you mean that literally? as in, the way it sounds?
012703060610 in reply to
Yes. I have it in a few other posts, but I don't primarily put that out there for the community. I don't want to take away from others who are here for their mental health. I am 43, with kids ages 11, 10 and 5. They are saying about 10 years or so....so it's terminal but a ways away. I have also had a stroke from this so 10 years sounds great, but it could fall apart at any moment. From any quality of life, I may only be a few years away from full time assistance/care. I was caught off guard with this just a few short months ago as I was told to get my affairs in order. Did a whole new will and all the documents needed....painful. What was even worse was getting it notarized and a person at my bank saying I needed the actual person to be there to sign the will. I look more like I'm 30 than 40. I burst into tears and said, I am the patient who needs the will. They automatically thought I was there trying to help my parents or something.
in reply to 012703060610
>>II look more like I'm 30 than 40. I burst into tears and said, I am the patient who needs the will. They automatically thought I was there trying to help my parents or something<<................. MORONS are abundant in all walks of life. did the IDIOT at the bank apologize profusely for being such an utter half wit?
in reply to 012703060610
>>There are a few repetitive dreams I get that are what I view Hades to be like if it exists.<< is it worse than what we have done to the planet? collectively ? us superior beings? yes, the fine folk at Dupont and Monsanto and all the other warm and fuzzy chemical manufacturers have certainly made life handy dandy for us all.
012703060610 in reply to
We do like to think we are superior here on this planet! I do get upset about the state of the world and what it will be like for my kids and their kids should they chose to have them! Hades is a little bit more like a surgery I had without anesthesia.....that was no bueno.
in reply to 012703060610
>>We do like to think we are superior here on this planet<<..........yes. well for those who think we ARE, we're not. not by a REAL long shot. we, as humans are THE worst, bar none.
in reply to 012703060610
speaking of waking up after only 3 hours of sleep, I am often grateful to wake up to the real world, such as it is, rather than stay asleep and continue my recurring nightmares.
Yes sex and love are different. Our love for one another is strong. We both see separate therapists as well. My husband is more of a pacifist and introvert so topics like this are very hard for him to talk about it. On the other hand, I am like an open book or a freight train flying down the track filled with information to share. He is the only person that knows the magnitude of my prior traumas....or at least most of it. So yes, we both miss sex and now not sleeping together in bed gives us less time for anything intimate. We do still both do lots of little things for each other but the bulk of our energy is dealing with my Ex and just raising the kids. I think I posted at some point this past week about a job interview. I did the interview, it went well, I got asked how much do I want......I gave them a figure that would allow for us to retire if I worked three years. Doubt it will go anywhere and my body probably can't do the job anyway. I keep interviewing because I see my husband struggling with leadership at his job and he is broken down himself. Even suggested he may have some mild depression. I think for the two of us we actually love each other so hard, we do something for that other that we end up doing bad things for each of us individually. So I did an interview, loved the people, loved the job, but I can't do it. I used to be able to hop on planes all week. Yes I still search for help for my husband as he is just miserable in his job. Plus I understand and relate as it is much like my last job before I landed on disability. He isn't angry about no sex or at least that I can tell. He tends to get more upset when I am in a flare or physical harm again as he knows it is my disease advancing. However, if I see him really truly not getting what he needs out of this life, I still need to consider that he needs to go on and live. He didn't sign up for a sick wife. He did sign up to be a step dad though. Am I worried we won't ever have sex again, not really. We will, just not sure when!
in reply to 012703060610
Are you ok? I haven't heard from ya for a spell, and thought I better check!
I feel like this sometimes, more and more often in the past few years. I’ve struggled with depression since childhood. The first time it was really bad was when I was ten and went to the kitchen, got a knife and put it to my chest. I didn’t go through with it because I was afraid I would do it wrong and it would just cause a lot of pain. I have a very deep fear of rejection and abandonment from a very early age. I married someone who seemed to love me for myself but I was too young to pick up on the red flags. The depression got worse after marrying. Within ten years, I was having migraines that became more and more frequent until they stopped going away. I’ve been in constant pain for over thirty years now. When I realized I was going to have to learn to live with them for the rest of my life, I wanted to end the pain by ending my life. I had children by then and couldn’t leave them without a mom, especially since their dad didn’t make spending time with his family a priority.
I have three amazing kids who are adults now and are the only reason I stayed in the marriage until the last one had been gone from home for a year and a half. I was very close to them when they were at home. I had decided that they would always know they were loved and valued. I intentionally chose to spend time with them and listen to them, whatever they wanted to talk about.
I messed up really badly during the last few years in the marriage. I damaged our relationships when I started talking to them about their dad and how I felt unloved, unappreciated, and uninteresting to him and had for many years. Two of them were adults and the last was having the same problems with his dad that his brother had and that I had, so I decided to talk to them about it.
I finally found out that I was doing what no parent should ever do and stopped talking to them about him but it was too late. The damage was done and I’ve been trying ever since to repair the relationships but was told by my oldest recently that I just needed to let it go and focus on my own emotional healing and let them focus on theirs. I have been trying to do that for two years now but am a firm believer in communication being key to any relationship so I try to figure out what I can do to fix the relationships.
I have healed some but have a long way to go and the same is true with them. I sometimes think they would be better off without me to deal with but I know that’s just the depression talking. I know that ending my pain and my life would cause them more pain than what I’ve already done so it’s not really an option. I just wish it were sometimes when the physical and emotional pain are really bad.
I've often wondered, what do I have to live for being alone and seemingly without purpose? Surely death must be better than living in constant pain and isolation. I've come to revise that a bit. The worst thing to me is having lived a long life, but feeling I haven't truly lived. To come to the realization that there's so many things I'll never do. To feel I'll never love or be loved again, and to have wasted such a gift as life. It's easy to be in denial when you're young, but it's true you only live once, and at this point in my life that scares the crap out of me. Would have, could have, should have... Maybe tomorrow, until there isn't one.
in reply to Mofro
Yes Mofro, beware the "shoulda coulda woulda" torment. yikes. I'd sooner be water boarded. and I surely know the drill on that one. maybe you can't make it go away. me neither. it's awful. and no, there is no tomorrow to count on. there MIGHT be! but by then it'll be today again. so tomorrow still eludes us.
Not what you're looking for?
Moderation team
ADAATeamRachelPartner
ADAATeamLisePartner
