Recovering

Trying really hard to recover lately! I got really sick over the holiday, I had heart problems and stomach issues and got to the point where I couldn't even drink water without puking, I lost 3 stone over 9 weeks and was told that this was the reason for my declining health.

I have really, really severe anxiety and so I decided to help myself.

I've started eating again but I'm starting to feel absolutely disgustingly fat.

I feel like the only thing that was making me happy was being thin.

It was like "ok yeah, my life's a mess, but at least I have control over my eating/weight"

Now I feel like I have nothing.

My partner knows about my issues now as my health got so back I was hospitalised and will stop speaking to me if he catches me restricting which has caused viscous arguments between us.

I'm back up 134 lbs now and I absolutely hate myself.

I have no idea what to do but eating makes me want to die which is ironic because it's keeping me alive

I'm really just looking for other people who are recovering as I've spent most of the day today restricting and I have no idea how to move forward

6 Replies

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  • You are clearly in a really difficult place - and I would suggest you need to get some "professional" help from and ED centre - the mental games that EDs play leave us caught in a complete no mans land - not eating kills us physically and causes our emotional problems - but eating causes so many bad thoughts - we're shot which ever way we turn. However - it is these things that need talking out - and we all need support with eating and truly getting control back - at present the ED is in control - however much you may feel you are. Go to your GP - or visit the ABC website - they also have a helpline - or you can drop them an email to get a call back - but do please seek some help.

  • Thank you so much for your reply, I'm really struggling, i really don't want help because I know it will result in me giving up control which I feel like I have done already, I'm starting to get really angry at everybody around me because I'm so hungry all the time now and when I was in control I completely lost my appetite, I feel like I've lost :( I'm scared to speak to my doctor because I feel like I'm too fat to have an eating disorder and also I'm worried it will ultimately end it me losing the last bit of control I have :( my health is really suffering and I'm just so lost, I wish I had never started this, I can't get out now.

  • Please do try contacting ABC or BEAT (helplines are inundated so its often hard to get through - but ABC I know do respond to emails) - they are confidential - but the need for control and the fear of giving it up is the ED - not you - I know from many years struggling with anorexia how powerful the need to control is - however it was pointed out to me that the ED was in control not me - and its only though counselling and a dietician combined that I've turned a corner - its hard and slow - but taking back control needs support - takes learning - and the ED voice is so loud sometimes - but you are more valuable than that .

  • You're right, the voices screaming in my head are definitely the eating disorder, my partner keeps telling me to imagine that loud scary controlling voice as a frail anorexic version of me that wants to win. He's so right, you're so right, in anything but in control :( I'll give it a try thank you

  • Hello :)

    Hope this doesn't sound patronising but well done so much for starting recovery , it's so hard to go through and beginning is such a good step :) are you getting any support from a health care professional? I understand that it can be really scary to talk to someone about feelings around eating but they can give really helpful and practice support which you deserve :)

    I too am in recovery at the moment and am finding it very hard, so I can empathise with you.

    Best wishes ! Xx

  • I'm not speaking to anybody about any of this in a professional capacity, my doctors have noticed my weight loss and mentioned my body on numerous occasions but I've just kind of shrugged it off, when I say recovery I kind of mean I've started eating again, I fasted for 9 weeks straight with no binges and just drank tea, I slowely incorporated small amounts of food back in lately but I'm still restricting, not heavily or anything but still under 1000 calories and heavily substituting , i.e. Lots of hot chocolate and tea. I'm trying my best and when my partner/ex partner (super complicated) is here he forces me to eat at which point I eat probably 1300 but when he's not here I go back to fasting with small amounts of fruit. I'm trapped and honestly I have two kids and I just want to go back to being fat at this stage because I didn't seem to care that much and had bundles of confidence and now I feel so low it's unreal, thank you so much for your supportive comment I appreciate hearing from others so much, it's a real boost to know others have over come this horrible illness!

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