Like many of you, we here in Northern Kentucky have been in the deep freeze since just before Christmas. Our average high has been in the upper teens and it hasn’t been unusual for the lows to be well below zero. As I think I’ve mentioned before, cold completely destroys my mental capacity therefore I have been more or less a house plant since approximately Christmas. However, day before yesterday the weather broke, the temps rose as high as the lower 60’s and I actually am starting to become human again. I’m even speaking somewhat fluently to my family and can pretty well follow a conversation. The world is starting to make sense again.
Then I watch the news this evening. I wish I hadn’t. It seems we will be under a winter storm advisory, most likely turning to a warning, starting tomorrow morning. They are expecting rain changing to ice through early evening then the snow sets in. Accumulations are expected in the 4 to 6 inch range. But that’s not the worst part. The temps are going to bottom out again. Highs for the next week or so are expected to be around 20 and it won’t be surprising for the lows to be subzero. What this means to me is the fog is coming. My world is about to become so cloudy that nothing will make sense and I will be unable to adequately express much of what is going on inside.
As of now, I think this is one of the more irritating aspects of this disease for me. One minute being relatively lucid, the next drooling out the side of my mouth. And I know it’s coming. I know that my once active mind, who was such a friend and ally to me, will soon betray me and there is little I can do to alter that fact. And even worse, this is most likely the best I will ever again be.
Now please don’t misunderstand, I’m not sad or depressed or whatever. I’m frustrated because I can’t do anything about it. It’s not fair to my family, especially my wife. This was supposed to be our time, the time we could devote to us as a couple after a lifetime of caring for others and now that’s mostly been taken away. We still try to live every day to its utmost but it’s tough considering I may effectively turn into a child at a moments notice and we know it’s only going downhill from here. I hate seeing her feel so alone even while I’m still here physically though often not mentally. That may be the real curse of this disease and other dementias for the family. They have to lose the person and grieve for them multiple times.
OK, I’ve darkened your world long enough. It’s time to get back to enjoying your day and trying to live your life as best you can. Take care everyone.
Randy
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Poppygail
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Randy; In the face of everything *else* going on in this world right now, you are not darkening my world one single bit, don't think that for a second. As for the cold, yeah we had our cold snap too right along with the rest of the country...at the worst of it I had to actually wear long pants (sweats) to go out instead of my normal shorts, tank-top and flip-flops. I mean for the luvva Mike, it got down to 40-something I think. And rain? Whew, it was unbearable for two whole days without sunshine. I think the suicide may have even spiked then.
I am teasing of course; the suicide rate didn't spike. Seriously sitting in Las Vegas and watching the rest of the country get its ass kicked by Mother Nature made living here feel like being on vacation....which is a kind of weird thing for a Vegas resident to feel when you think about it. My wife loves to complain about living here but right now is doing the "Viva Las Vegas" thing as she hears from friends and relatives across the country.
I am not a doctor, don't play one on TV, nor have a stayed at a Holiday Inn Express recently but as a patient, I would definitely posit the hypothesis that every patient with dementia that lives in some environment that has fewer ...sorry, my words are coming hard today....patients that live in environments with fewer or no ...external crisis points...not the right words but best I have....environmental factors and events like severe cold, severe heat, severe stress (from say moving or some other large-scale activity), poor family situation, etc.....the ones w/o this I think might end up living longer relative to those who do not. I would also state that even w/o the extended longevity (which means little in reality because the last years are not exactly quality years), you end up with a far more peaceful existence, truly optimizing the time you have. Its a theory but is my story and I am sticking to it.
Related but not, there is another part of this I don't have a word for either; dictionary mavens jump in at your pleasure. But Randy almost described it, the situation where when the stressor event has been reduced or eliminated and you start to be able to converse a little again, feel more like part of the human race again....that feeling is indescribable ....which I guess explains why I cant find the right word for it.
Sheesh. Too much Zen first thing in the morning. What time do they pass out the medication around here?
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