Concerned about my husband

[Krofcheck1021]

Hi I'm new here. My husband is 58 and his personality is changing and he is forgetting so much. How to get places, gets turned around and confused easily. He doesn't remember things we just did or talked about. This morning I really freaked out. In August if this year so just 2-3 months ago we had a rough patch and I left for 4 days and stayed in a hotel. He begged me to come back. He was not being honest with me and he is so unaffectionate compared to the past. Well, I did come back after we saw a Pastor and he promised me that he would never do anything to make me leave again. This morning he does not remember at ALL me leaving for 4 days. He said it never happened. I'm in shock. Help!

[ChristianElliott Partner]

Welcome to the community, and thanks for reaching out. The situation you describe does indicate cognitive impairment -- in addition to memory loss, personality changes can occur with Alzheimer's and other types of dementia. Please consider making an appointment with a doctor very soon to evaluate his symptoms. You can also use this memory loss checklist: mybraintest.org/alzheimers-...

Hope this helps. All the best.

[Krofcheck1021 in reply to ChristianElliott]

Thank you. I took that earlier and he scored a 14. Terrible. We went away last month and he kept getting turned around in the lobby in the lodge. The front door went to the parking lot and back door to the pool. He can't remember ways to friends homes etc and movie theaters etc. I am really worried. He went to the doctor last year when it started but refused to let me go and came back with an antidepressant said he was just tired and depressed. He said if I went along he would not go. He goes for groceries and leaves his wallet at home or forgets his wallet at least once a week.

[ChristianElliott Partner in reply to Krofcheck1021]

What county & state (or province) do you live in - this will help us direct you to some local resources.

[Krofcheck1021 in reply to ChristianElliott]

Tucson Arizona

[ChristianElliott Partner in reply to Krofcheck1021]

Start here: alz.org/dsw/in_my_community...

The AZ Alz Assoc provides a helpline number, and they will be able to guide you on next steps with local contacts.

Several members of this online community will also be able to provide some helpful feedback on their experiences as well.

[Krofcheck1021 in reply to ChristianElliott]

Christian, all of your advice has been so helpful. I cannot thank you enough. I have followed through with it as well.

[jasmith49 in reply to Krofcheck1021]

Hello, I know exactly what you are talking about. My husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's just a month ago. For awhile he was in complete denial. He would accuse me of making it all up, and would swear that he was just fine. Now at least he will admit that he knows something is wrong, but he doesn't know what it is. He realizes that he gets confused and forgetful, but thinks it is just old age, he is 72. He becomes angry when I have to 'check up on him', as he puts it.

I used to get angry too, thinking that it was just Bill being Bill, but I'm learning that it is all a part of the disease. Most of the time they really don't know what they are doing.

The thing to remember is that he is even more scared that you are. It is hard to admit that he is loosing his mental abilities (physical ones too). He walks slower, talks slower and lower, almost in a whisper now. He moves slower and has that old man shuffle. I can only imagine how this must be for him. Try to put yourself in his shoes.

I have learned to redirect him from a bad situation to something else as soon as possible. Give him some reason to laugh. Make a joke, not at him but with him. Laugh about the silly things and he will forget the anger and soon go on to something else. I at least have found this works with my husband. Do all you can to keep him happy. Find things for him to do that will keep his hands busy. Get him involved with your daily activities as much as possible. Bill actually enjoys helping me around the house now. It makes him feel useful. My husband loves to paint, and has painted some beautiful pictures in the past. We are in the middle of a move right now, but once we are settled again we are going to get out all his art supplies and let him start painting again. He is excited about that. It gives him something to look forward to.

Above all, pray. It is so important to keep yourself refreshed each morning with prayer to get you through the day. Family and friends help a lot, but only God can be with you 24/7. If you would like to talk, you can private message me.

Just don't give up, together we will get through this. A friend, Joyce

[No1butme in reply to jasmith49]

Wow - sounds like my husband and me! Thank you for your input! ...p

[Mpeterson53]

You need to schedule an appointment with your primary care doctor and go with him.

Explain what you are seeing. Ask to have a neurologist see him and have appropriate brain scans done

[Hidden]

Krofcheck1021 ,

Welcome to this great sight for support.. I'm new as well, My husband was diagnosed with early on set Alzheimer's a year ago. He is now 60.. Get him to a neurologist ASAP, get him on Meds so you can slow the progress of this degrading and awful disease.

The faster he becomes "disabled" the faster he will get on SSDI.. Even though you might think its too early, and he might get better,,, He Wont!.. Make an appointment with a lawyer and get your finances in order!!!!

I don't mean to seem crass, but I'm living it.

Best of luck,

Ddcaribe

[Krofcheck1021 in reply to Hidden]

He said he doesn't need to go that everyone his age at work is forgetful. He has been doing his same trade for 40 years so it is natural to him. I don't know if that is why it doesn't seem to affect his work at this point. He said he walks back and forth alot because he forgets what he went for or numbers of something by the time he gets to the other end of the shop. I bought him a small notebook and a pen to carry in his pocket but he forgets he has it. He refuses to get tested or go back to the doctor at all. He gets easily frustrated, easily irritated and his fuse is so short. He seems to be lost in space alot when carrying on a conversation and he doesn't join in conversations either. Everyone is saying how quiet he seems now. He always was quiet but now he is even more so. People are noticing too the few I have mentioned it to that is. So, how do I get him help if he refuses it?? I'm so lost and feeling lonely and more alone every day. I don't know what to do. Thanks for all the feedback. This is more helpful than I realized. I am awaiting a packet from the Alzheimer's unit in my area and a call from a health care professional who was given this information in that unit as well.

[Mpeterson53 in reply to Hidden]

I'm living it as well, except it's not my spouse (I'm single) it's me.

[Krofcheck1021 in reply to Mpeterson53]

Oh my so so sorry so please tell me if you think this is signs of it too? How should I handle this? How come he seems ok some times and nit others? Please tell me from what you are feeling and experiencing. I am so sorry

[Mpeterson53 in reply to Krofcheck1021]

Don't be sorry. It's the hand I was dealt and I am going to go forward living my life to the fullest, until I can't any more. I may end up doing some things more than once (since I won't remember always). LOL

It was a blow at first, but I have never been the kind of person that says "it's better NOT to know." I'm busy now getting my estate documents in order and plan to tour some assisted living facilities in the next few months.

I almost feel I have the luxury of knowing that my retirement funds will last since my life expectancy is shorter. And ... if they run out I will likely be in the place that I won't know where I am anyway.

About your husband: Maybe everyone at work is forgetful - it does come with age, but is his forgetfulness more than should be happening at his age? Will he go to the ALZ.org website and do the memory checklist? That would be forward movement on his part.

You need to have a frank talk with your husband about your worries and get a medical diagnosis. If your suspicisions are right, the two of you need to make some decisions about how to handle the psychological and financial burdens you will be facing as his primary care-giver.

I never want to be caught "with my pants down" and I want to make the decisions that impact me while I still am able and capable of doing so. In your case, the two of you need to know what is happending so that you can plan.

Mary

[jeffcobb Ambassador]

OK This feels like navigating a mine-field but as someone with dementia (LBD, probably close enough) I can promise you un- or mis-diagnosed dementia, regardless of the cause, is a marriage and relationship-killer. Ask anyone. I do not know what path to advise you to take because I think it was luck as much as anything that kept stuff from falling permanently apart in my case. Here is what I CAN tell you though. First, from the memory slippage standpoint when it happens, it feels like the time didn't happen at all for me. Say I was the husband in your example with the 4 days; while thats a long time in my world (I tend to lose two hours here, four hours there, just more frequently), I can totally see where from your husbands perspective they did not happen. Why? Because you find yourself asking the dumb questions like, if this really DID happen, I would remember it right? Because I always have, right? So why would she accuse me of something so easily proven wrong (because I KNOW they didn't happen)....and so on. The thought process goes where it does and occasionally set foot on unreal-land. Now if your husband is normally sharp, I would suggest pressing confirmation there is a problem and diagnosis. Once he is on-board that train, it will be easy to see (from both sides) what was marital and what was biological (OK not right term but ...close enough) going wrong. At this point you two will have common foundation to work on. Until he and you recognise this for what it is, one of both of you will be by definition fighting the wrong battle. As easy as it may be to think, there is no malice in his heart, or should I say probably not. There was none in mine, it was largely my reality flaking away on me combined with a sense of denial which adds up to a really rough time trying to maintain normalcy (hold down a career, manage the household, do the cooking, care for the family; IOW "life" things).

Just saying, give it a chance but you as the one in charge of her faculties must take charge of this, regardless of your previous arrangements.

Jeff