I am writing this still in shock and some feeling of denial.
I joined this group as I was mums full time carer, mum was diagnosed with heart failure and atrial fibrillation just over 2 years ago. I turned to this group so many times for advice and support and I would like to thank everyone who supported us.
Sadly, we lost mum on the 4/11/24.
Mum had so many health issues, unfortunately last month on mum’s birthday, I had to take her to hospital due to excess fluid on mum’s legs and extreme breathlessness. I was certain that these were being caused by the HF & AF. To my surprise, when we got to the hospital, after some tests, the doctors said mum had Acute Kidney Injury. I was shocked as I was almost certain that the heart issues were causing mum’s symptoms . Thankfully after 3 days of temporary dialysis, the kidney function began to come back, and we were told mum would be kept in to monitor her kidney function for a few more days. Then during mum’s stay, we got told that mum suddenly developed an Ileus- bowel problem. They began treatment for that- the treatment was nil by mouth and fluids were given intravenously. Mum did begin to improve, but suddenly, like overnight mums BP began to drop and we lost mum. I am absolutely devastated and finding all this so difficult to cope with. I hope people don’t mind me sharing our experience. I just got so much help and support from this group that I felt like sharing my awful journey. Also, even though mum had these heart problems, this is not the cause of us losing mum. It was something unexpected and I want others to know that having these problems are not necessarily the reason other complications to happen.
I’m so lost at the moment, but I genuinely want to thank each and everyone of you that have replied to my questions and given me so much advice. I hope to stay in this group and I hope I can maybe share some of our experiences and if I’m able to help even one person, I would be pleased with that.
Thank you to anyone who takes time to read my long post. I just feel lost, hopeless and am trying to cope with the most unexpected change in my life.
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Nickybhf
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Hi Nicky, I'm sorry to hear that you have lost your mum. I believe that mum's are the closest people to us.It's early days for you and I can only tell you about the way I have learnt to deal with family deaths. My older brother aged 29 was killed after a horse got free from its field and one night came out onto the main road, his car hit it turned over and caught fire, he was rescued but was dead. For many months after I cried. One day after crying I thought to myself why am I doing this, tears can't bring him back. I asked myself why I felt such sadness, because he was gone and had been for a while. I was quite shocked when I realised I was sorry for myself and my loss (self pity). I vowed from then on I would stop the sadness. I'm convinced that our spirit/soul lives on after death and goes to a better place.
It's early days for you now so you need to mourn for your mum, it's the natural thing to do, but in a few months time think of my words and see if they have more meaning and can give you the strength not to be sad.
I've used this method of coping for other family deaths and it works.
To recap, you need to mourn for your mum now, but in a few months time think of my words and do your best to get on with your life without sadness.
It would be lovely if you would stay with us on this forum.
I am so sorry your Mum has died. I feel that in a caring role you somehow feel it is the new normal and it will go on for ever. After all you had been coping with, two new illnesses was a huge shock for you.How you feel will change, and life without your Mum get more bearable. For now accept all offers of help as you need to take time to recover and rest. Those around you feel helpless and if they offer help say yes please. Try to take care of yourself while you start to heal.
That’s so true, as a carer, my day was all around mum and now I just feel lost and still confused and shocked about what’s happened. Thank you for your support.
I am so very sorry to hear of your loss but I am pleased that you got comfort and reassurance from this group with mums HF and Afib. We are always here for you. x
Sorry to hear about your mum, I can sympathise with you as I also lost my mum this month. She too had heart failure and AF and I cared for her in my family home for the last 10yrs. Unfortunately she passed away from complications after a bout of covid last month. These horrible winter viruses going around at the moment are responsible for so many deaths 😢
I am so terribly sorry for your loss, losing ones Mother is so very hard and 30 years on I still miss mine. I would like to say how very fortunate your Mother was to have such a wonderful and caring daughter with her during difficult times, I know how very much this would have meant to her and would thank you too for sharing with us. Take your time to grieve, remembering all the wonderful times you spent together over many years and the love you shared, it will get easier but takes time. Sending love and huggggs
Thank you so much. I’m struggling to allow the good memories to come it at the moment as mums last 2 and a half weeks were at hospital, I keep seeing all the things she went through and she fought so hard. Between myself, and brothers & sisters, we never left mum alone during her hospital stay so I’m thankful that she knew we were by her side throughout her time in hospital.
Absolutely, you were all there when she needed her most. I am an only child and would so much have appreciated siblings during this time. Today, 32 years ago, was the worst day of my life, my Father was crossing the road and got knocked over and killed, 3 cars involved, my Mother died 9 months later from breast cancer so trust me when I say, treasure your happy memories and it does get easier in time hugggs
I’m so sorry to hear your mum has passed away. It is very difficult to get your head around when you’ve been the closest to her but I’m sure you’ll have no regrets that you did all you could for her. Sometimes it’s just the time to let them go. She isn’t suffering any more and will be so grateful for all you’ve done for her. Be kind to yourself and know she’s at peace. X
That’s what I’m trying to think, that she’s not suffering anymore. It’s just that we’ve always been so close, mum was also my best friend and I just feel lost at the moment.
I lived with my mum until she died at 87 and cared for her . I fully understand how you’re feeling. Remember the happy times. She wouldn’t want you to be sad. X
Oh bless you I am so sorry for your loss and what must have been such a scary and sudden end. Thank you for sharing with us all especially during such a difficult time. Please be kind to yourself, hugs
So very sorry to hear your sad news. Please take comfort in knowing you loved & cared for her as I did mine. My Mum used to say do not remember me with tears, love, laugh & enjoy life, not easy I know. I still miss my Mum & Dad, just try to remember the good times. Take care of yourself now.
Dear Nicky, so sorry to hear about the loss of your mum, she must have been an amazing woman and your relationship to her very special - you’ll never lose that. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and I hope this forum continues to bring you the same support and courage as it did when your mum was alive. Be super kind to yourself and know we’re here for you 🤗
That is sad news. Poor you. Life has its twists and turns.
HF can affect all the major organs, I guess, by reducing the oxygen they receive. The kidneys commonly seem to struggle when blood flow is reduced. Perhaps that was the cause?
I think as everything happened so suddenly, it’s difficult to pinpoint the direct cause, but I can honestly say mum was so strong that she definitely fought as hard as possible.
And I suspect that you have inherited those strong genes, even though it likely doesn't feel the way for now. You certainly have the compassion gene and I bet you dd your very best for your dear mum!
I'm so sorry to hear of your sad loss. When it happens suddenly I think it's harder to take on board. My mum died suddenly at 56...three weeks before my daughter was born and the shock of it was just so awful. I really feel for you. It's such early days for you and it will all seem so overwhelming at the moment and I hope you have people around you that you can lean on or who can support you through this. It's so heartbreaking at first but I dealt with it by getting it in my head that my Mum wasn't coming back so I had to find a path around it all. I did that by every time I got sad I cried if I needed to but also tried to find something about her to smile about and also tried to remember that I felt so very sad because I loved her so much...but that love would always be with me. Nobody can really make it any better for you and unfortunately it's a process we have to go through in life. I hope you find some comfort in people's words on the forum and also hope you find the strength to get through the coming times. Please take care xx
Thank you so much, so sorry you lost your mum at a time when you had so much going on in your life. Everyone has been assuring me about time and healing, but at the moment, it’s just too soon. I’m just going through such a mixed round of emotions.
It is a rollercoaster of mixed emotions and feelings. Some days you cope ok and others it hits you in the face. There is no set grieving pattern or time for people but I would suggest if you are really finding it difficult, try to reach out to people and dont bottle things up. I always found it really helped just talking about my mum but if you are really struggling it might be an idea to look into to some bereavement counselling perhaps. I wish I could be of more help with suggestions and I know it's such a distressing time. I hope you find the strength to see you through. Xx
Thank you for your support . I’m lucky that I have my partner and brothers & sisters. But it’s difficult as we’ve all been hit by this hard. In time, maybe some sort of counselling will be necessary.
At least you have each other and you all know you are going through the same. I know....the shock is so hard to deal with. When I lost my Dad 8 years after mum it was so different. He was very poorly and I had looked after him for the last couple of years of his life. His passing was expected and though the loss was so upsetting I dealt without the it all so much better than the sudden shock of losing Mum. Keep talking to your family...be brave...cry but remember to smile about her too. ❤️
oh dear I’m so sorry for your loss. Such a trite saying when it’s someone you love so much. Take heart that she knew you loved her snd did all you could.
Hi Nicky, you haven’t lost your Mum. What you’ve lost is her suffering body and your role as her loving carer. My husband was fully expected to die when he did but I still fell apart afterwards, partly because I’d been holding it together for so long. But now I remember the good times and he’s still with me. I recently gave a large gift to one of my daughters and when explaining it to another daughter I simply said ‘Dad told me to’. You were so close to your mum, you can’t possibly lose her forever xx
♥️. Love never dies and nothing can take that from your heart. We do our best and God does the rest. Love and prayers, from me, for your strength in the days ahead.
One never gets over these losses. The best we can hope for is that the time between episodes of grief gets longer. Remember her often and grieve as you should but realize that it’s ok to take breaks from doing so as well. It’s ok to search for joy too.
Hi NICKY , sorry for your loss, i was in similar position looking after my father and then my mother, both now departed, its the hardest job caring for loved ones, but i would do it all again, know that you have done your best.
I'm so very sorry for your loss. My Mom too died of complications not related to what we thought was her major illness. Please don't drive yourself crazy trying to decipher how it happened and things that could have prevented it. We don't know what goes on internally in our bodies, and tests sometimes reveal problems that were long in the making. I hope you find some peace soon, but it's definitely a difficult time to endure.
Thank you. At the moment, as it’s too soon, everything is going around in my head like what if or why didn’t they try this. I’m so lost and still in shock.
It'll take a while until that settles down where your mind makes sense of it. It's been almost 16 years since Mom's death, but the trauma is just "below the surface" where I visit it -- on command --and feel its full effects. I can keep it hidden during my daily life now -- it's still to raw for you now. Yes, the word "lost" is something I can relate to. Treat yourself gently, please.
So sorry for your mum`s passing, no words will make it better no matter how much we think we are prepared for it. I always like to get flowers and light a candle for them. When my mum passed all i could think about was that she had gone home to her mum. make sure you look after yourself Nicky.
so sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one is so hard and missing their presence every day. That bit does get easier with time. Be kind to yourself and generous - you did a great job and looked after her. So look after yourself now.
She had so much more than so many people have so I bet she knew how lucky she was to have a loving daughter in her final years.
So sorry to hear your sad news. You tried very hard to get proper treatment for your mum to improve her quality of life and she was lucky to have such a caring daughter. You can maybe console yourself that she is no longer suffering. This thought helped me when I lost my mum sixteen years ago. The circumstances of her death traumatised me and that takes awhile to get over and adds to the grieving process. Being her full time carer it is natural that you should feel lost and confused but this will improve too. I can only echo Dodie's sentiments - start caring for yourself now, secure in the knowledge that you were a loving daughter who did her very best for her mum.
Thank you so much. I can relate about the trauma, I seen mum try to fight through so much during her hospital stay, and each time I think of what she was going through, it really hurts.
Oh my goodness - that has been a tough time for you. And it is so so distressing to witness a fast deterioration in this way. Did you feel your Mum was cared for at least? You were able to spend time with her?Take time for yourself - you will need to process not only the loss of your mum itself, but also the trauma you've just been through. Don't discount that.
I'm so glad the group helped you to help your Mum. It's a lifeline for many of us and I'm glad you felt able to share this here too.
Thank you so much, the nurses were actually very good. Also, between us siblings, we didn’t leave mum alone at all during her stay. We basically stayed day and night and took it in turns so I’m thankful that mum had us around all the time.
I can recall what happened to my mum. Very sorry for you and your family.
I travelled down to see her monthly 4 hours each way.
In the month of an April I had heavy cold so missed April and then was in bed unwell. 26 April her birthday I phoned she was still in bed in this nursing home.
Preparing to go down early May I was surprised when I got a call that Mum had been admitted to hospital. Back to bed as up all night trying to get essay to Massey University via fax which was not taking it.
2 hours sleep then I got another call from Northshore Hospital. "Get down here quickly. Your Mum 93 admitted here has a UTI which has caused kidney damage and she has Renal failure. Her heart isn't doing well. There is no reversal."
I drove down tired. Mum was subconscious. A got a good night's rest and arrived early next morning, My daughter came, bro's daughter came . My bro or sister weren't coming. Dr removed drip and antibiotics. In afternoon Mum was in pain from her face.
Went to station. No Mum was on morphine drip. I put down my foot of authority. Later nurse came in with another top up morphine injection on top of the morphine drip.
I slept on floor. She died at 2am next morning. I had given her permission to go to her loved ones. Dad had died 10 years earlier.
Poor Mum. I wasn't allowed to call my daughter to come.
Mine like yours was a unforgettable experience but I have nursing experience.
I am sad for you and your family. When I cared for her here she had no UTIs. Showered everyday.
Thank you , gosh, you had a tough time too. It’s so difficult, we were with mum when she passed, from that moment I felt something was pulled out from inside me and I feel so empty, like a big part of me is missing.
I am so very sorry for your loss - she was blessed to have such a loving supportive daughter. Losing a parent is always very hard, one thinks they will always be around.
I am sorry for your loss. It’s never easy. my Cardiologist have always reminded me not to blame everything on the or assume that that’s what is going on. There are so many parts inside us as you but unfortunately, the poor heart gets blamed for everything
May she rest in peace. They thought my mom had a heart attack. She was having blood clots in her was gone in five weeks. She had so much cancer. It was hard to imagine and had not been picked up.
Thank you, it’s true, everyone assumes that a heart problem means that’s what will cause everything. Even when I took mum to hospital, I was certain that’s it’s to do with her heart.
But it is important that there are passed loved ones up there beyond our imaginations whom she will meet again.
Mum is buried on the hill higher than my place and also looking out to sea! She's in the sun. Was always looking for the sun from my self-contained unit I built in front of me.
Because she passed between her birthday and Mother's Day at Anzac Day I get 2 poppies and I put one for Dad on our RSA Memorial although he was cremated (ugh) and put in Manurewa RSA South Auckland. The other I take up to Mum's grave.
The Funeral people were great I ordered a tile and gave them a pic of her, a shrub here and mother's day card front which had a lady in heels with shopping bags making her way up a high path. Then wrote the intro to Mum and listing her children in order.
I was disappointed with my bro who put my sister before me and yet I am the middle child and older than her.
Mum was brought up here from Auckland and I can go up to her grave to talk to her with my dog JAZ who didn't see her by 5 months. She sits up on her grave which has 3 stepups. I clean it and repaint it.
I don't get why folks want to be cremated. Mum changed her Will to be buried. She no longer had Dad looking over her shoulder. RSA have vaults one on top of another. Mum didn't want that.
Being up there is a privilege like when I was caring for her here.
I'm sure your dear Mum will have a celebratory send off like my Mum had.
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Thinking of mum....
