I am writing this still in shock and some feeling of denial.
I joined this group as I was mums full time carer, mum was diagnosed with heart failure and atrial fibrillation just over 2 years ago. I turned to this group so many times for advice and support and I would like to thank everyone who supported us.
Sadly, we lost mum on the 4/11/24.
Mum had so many health issues, unfortunately last month on mum’s birthday, I had to take her to hospital due to excess fluid on mum’s legs and extreme breathlessness. I was certain that these were being caused by the HF & AF. To my surprise, when we got to the hospital, after some tests, the doctors said mum had Acute Kidney Injury. I was shocked as I was almost certain that the heart issues were causing mum’s symptoms . Thankfully after 3 days of temporary dialysis, the kidney function began to come back, and we were told mum would be kept in to monitor her kidney function for a few more days. Then during mum’s stay, we got told that mum suddenly developed an Ileus- bowel problem. They began treatment for that- the treatment was nil by mouth and fluids were given intravenously. Mum did begin to improve, but suddenly, like overnight mums BP began to drop and we lost mum. I am absolutely devastated and finding all this so difficult to cope with. I hope people don’t mind me sharing our experience. I just got so much help and support from this group that I felt like sharing my awful journey. Also, even though mum had these heart problems, this is not the cause of us losing mum. It was something unexpected and I want others to know that having these problems are not necessarily the reason other complications to happen.
I’m so lost at the moment, but I genuinely want to thank each and everyone of you that have replied to my questions and given me so much advice. I hope to stay in this group and I hope I can maybe share some of our experiences and if I’m able to help even one person, I would be pleased with that.
Thank you to anyone who takes time to read my long post. I just feel lost, hopeless and am trying to cope with the most unexpected change in my life.
Written by
Nickybhf
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Hi Nicky, I'm sorry to hear that you have lost your mum. I believe that mum's are the closest people to us.It's early days for you and I can only tell you about the way I have learnt to deal with family deaths. My older brother aged 29 was killed after a horse got free from its field and one night came out onto the main road, his car hit it turned over and caught fire, he was rescued but was dead. For many months after I cried. One day after crying I thought to myself why am I doing this, tears can't bring him back. I asked myself why I felt such sadness, because he was gone and had been for a while. I was quite shocked when I realised I was sorry for myself and my loss (self pity). I vowed from then on I would stop the sadness. I'm convinced that our spirit/soul lives on after death and goes to a better place.
It's early days for you now so you need to mourn for your mum, it's the natural thing to do, but in a few months time think of my words and see if they have more meaning and can give you the strength not to be sad.
I've used this method of coping for other family deaths and it works.
To recap, you need to mourn for your mum now, but in a few months time think of my words and do your best to get on with your life without sadness.
It would be lovely if you would stay with us on this forum.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing your mum is the hardest and having it all happen so quickly must have been a huge shock for you. I’m so sorry.
I’m not sure what an Ileus- bowel problem is but I hope by sharing my experience with my mum it might help you in some way
I lost my mum to renal failure and heart failure in 1997. Mum’s kidneys had been damaged through long-term hypertension and the drugs she was on for heart failure. Her final days were not easy and she was filled with fluid - it actually seeped through her skin on her legs. Her heart failure was partially attributable - the heart wasn’t pumping effectively enough and this caused fluid to be retained in her lungs and body. Add to that the kidney failure because the kidneys could not effectively filter due to their damage and the overwhelming amount of fluid backing up due to her heart failure.
It was tragic and traumatising for her and our family so I know that deep overwhelming loss. Thinking of you.
I am so sorry your Mum has died. I feel that in a caring role you somehow feel it is the new normal and it will go on for ever. After all you had been coping with, two new illnesses was a huge shock for you.How you feel will change, and life without your Mum get more bearable. For now accept all offers of help as you need to take time to recover and rest. Those around you feel helpless and if they offer help say yes please. Try to take care of yourself while you start to heal.
That’s so true, as a carer, my day was all around mum and now I just feel lost and still confused and shocked about what’s happened. Thank you for your support.
I am so very sorry to hear of your loss but I am pleased that you got comfort and reassurance from this group with mums HF and Afib. We are always here for you. x
Sorry to hear about your mum, I can sympathise with you as I also lost my mum this month. She too had heart failure and AF and I cared for her in my family home for the last 10yrs. Unfortunately she passed away from complications after a bout of covid last month. These horrible winter viruses going around at the moment are responsible for so many deaths 😢
I am so terribly sorry for your loss, losing ones Mother is so very hard and 30 years on I still miss mine. I would like to say how very fortunate your Mother was to have such a wonderful and caring daughter with her during difficult times, I know how very much this would have meant to her and would thank you too for sharing with us. Take your time to grieve, remembering all the wonderful times you spent together over many years and the love you shared, it will get easier but takes time. Sending love and huggggs
Thank you so much. I’m struggling to allow the good memories to come it at the moment as mums last 2 and a half weeks were at hospital, I keep seeing all the things she went through and she fought so hard. Between myself, and brothers & sisters, we never left mum alone during her hospital stay so I’m thankful that she knew we were by her side throughout her time in hospital.
I’m so sorry to hear your mum has passed away. It is very difficult to get your head around when you’ve been the closest to her but I’m sure you’ll have no regrets that you did all you could for her. Sometimes it’s just the time to let them go. She isn’t suffering any more and will be so grateful for all you’ve done for her. Be kind to yourself and know she’s at peace. X
That’s what I’m trying to think, that she’s not suffering anymore. It’s just that we’ve always been so close, mum was also my best friend and I just feel lost at the moment.
Oh bless you I am so sorry for your loss and what must have been such a scary and sudden end. Thank you for sharing with us all especially during such a difficult time. Please be kind to yourself, hugs
So very sorry to hear your sad news. Please take comfort in knowing you loved & cared for her as I did mine. My Mum used to say do not remember me with tears, love, laugh & enjoy life, not easy I know. I still miss my Mum & Dad, just try to remember the good times. Take care of yourself now.
Dear Nicky, so sorry to hear about the loss of your mum, she must have been an amazing woman and your relationship to her very special - you’ll never lose that. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and I hope this forum continues to bring you the same support and courage as it did when your mum was alive. Be super kind to yourself and know we’re here for you 🤗
That is sad news. Poor you. Life has its twists and turns.
HF can affect all the major organs, I guess, by reducing the oxygen they receive. The kidneys commonly seem to struggle when blood flow is reduced. Perhaps that was the cause?
I think as everything happened so suddenly, it’s difficult to pinpoint the direct cause, but I can honestly say mum was so strong that she definitely fought as hard as possible.
I'm so sorry to hear of your sad loss. When it happens suddenly I think it's harder to take on board. My mum died suddenly at 56...three weeks before my daughter was born and the shock of it was just so awful. I really feel for you. It's such early days for you and it will all seem so overwhelming at the moment and I hope you have people around you that you can lean on or who can support you through this. It's so heartbreaking at first but I dealt with it by getting it in my head that my Mum wasn't coming back so I had to find a path around it all. I did that by every time I got sad I cried if I needed to but also tried to find something about her to smile about and also tried to remember that I felt so very sad because I loved her so much...but that love would always be with me. Nobody can really make it any better for you and unfortunately it's a process we have to go through in life. I hope you find some comfort in people's words on the forum and also hope you find the strength to get through the coming times. Please take care xx
Thank you so much, so sorry you lost your mum at a time when you had so much going on in your life. Everyone has been assuring me about time and healing, but at the moment, it’s just too soon. I’m just going through such a mixed round of emotions.
It is a rollercoaster of mixed emotions and feelings. Some days you cope ok and others it hits you in the face. There is no set grieving pattern or time for people but I would suggest if you are really finding it difficult, try to reach out to people and dont bottle things up. I always found it really helped just talking about my mum but if you are really struggling it might be an idea to look into to some bereavement counselling perhaps. I wish I could be of more help with suggestions and I know it's such a distressing time. I hope you find the strength to see you through. Xx
oh dear I’m so sorry for your loss. Such a trite saying when it’s someone you love so much. Take heart that she knew you loved her snd did all you could.
Hi Nicky, you haven’t lost your Mum. What you’ve lost is her suffering body and your role as her loving carer. My husband was fully expected to die when he did but I still fell apart afterwards, partly because I’d been holding it together for so long. But now I remember the good times and he’s still with me. I recently gave a large gift to one of my daughters and when explaining it to another daughter I simply said ‘Dad told me to’. You were so close to your mum, you can’t possibly lose her forever xx
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I've been quiet but I'm still here reading and getting comfort from you all...
Thinking of mum....
