Any children of prostate cancer patients here? Anyone else struggle with their dad not being as open about how they’re feeling? My dad is very closed off, doesn’t believe in all the “therapy and counselling bullshit”, but also seems to want me to be his therapist and confidant. I’m feeling so drained and exhausted and unsure how to be in the best spirits.
Why are fathers so closed off? - Advanced Prostate...
Why are fathers so closed off?
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PHnerd
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I was the child of 2 parents with cancers. Tell him how you feel and that he might want to give the therapy and counseling bullshit a try before writing it off. It helped a lot in my family.
Thank you Allen, I’ve tried multiple times. I can’t seem to get through and it’s also been taking too much energy to keep trying at this point.
You are useless as a caregiver if you are emotionally drained. No one wants to say no to someone they love. I learned that as hard as it is, it is necessary to set limits.
For a second there I thought you were calling me useless, man are my emotional triggers being set off by the littlest things (especially misunderstood phrasing). You’re absolutely right and I wished my parents understood. All I can do is my best and I know that won’t be enough, but I’m not a professional and don’t know how to process my own grief, let alone help others with theirs.
I have been going to a therapist for years so at least I have some professional help to manage my emotions. But it can only help so much when everyone else around me refuses to seek help for themselves (or even as a family).
Sorry for the poor phrasing. I remember my mother getting hospitalized for depression after caring for my father for 3 years.
No problem at all. And I’m so sorry to hear. I really hope it doesn’t get to that point with me and my family members. Especially my mother who has already lost all her hair just due to the stress of dad’s prognosis 😓
assuming your father is stage 4 , he is in palliative care. Your father has a team of medical care professionals, some of which specialize in mental health for both your father and his family. Sounds like you should ask his oncologist or PCP for a referral to this designated person in his group. They are excellent with families and / or caregivers ….. you don’t need your father involve at this point. They will support you and advise you in ways to best help your father as well. As many posts here on the group have pointed out ….. there is a whole world of new meds that are designed to help both him and you in serious circumstances like this. Please give them a ring ….for yourself …. I believe they will be able to help you sort this out very favorably.
Your father is very lucky to have such a caring and giving daughter at his side ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you, I really appreciate this. He is in stage 4 but he’s been here for many many years. It was caught 10 years ago already spread to the lymph nodes, so palliative (given his prognosis) has never been in our verbiage yet. But I know the resources are all there, I’ve just not known much about them until recently. Also, it’s impossible to talk to the onc without dad in the same room so I’ll have to catch him at a time when dad’s doing something else in the hospital.
have private message you
parents especially our parents generation are like that . You can say father’s specifically. My father was my super hero. He cared and did for everyone but never shared his problems. All I wanted from my parents was to involve me in their problem . Else today my father would have been with us. I am not doubting the fact he showed to the doctors at the right time. But he trusted our family doctor so much who was not even that specialist. I still regret that why I just kept saying to change the doctor . Why did I not go to him and forced him to go to the specialist. But it’s too late now . Prostate got okay after stage 4 but the treatment they did for him radiation was very aggressive for him which ultimately gave him blood cancer . I still cry the way he left he never deserved that after so many good deeds in his life. He fought bravely and faced all never even a painful word in front of us why why ? He was human too ? He deserved to show also that he was weak ? Why males are not taught to share their vulnerability. Why I was unable to break that wall among us . My brother is 7 yrs younger now he is facing depression after his successful career there is dull phase . He dnt want to express his feelings . Not sure when and how society make men behave like this to get closed off . You are lucky that he got 10 yrs happy to hear . My father left us at the age of 69 in 4.5 yrs 4 stage beginning prostate cancer
❤️❤️❤️
does radiation give blood cancer? 😳
It’s one of the first side effect of radiation. My father kept on asking doctor why his hemoglobin went down and not coming up even with hemotologist who said there is no problem . Later he got covid which aggravated the issue of hemoglobin getting too Low and test showed us mds which finally converted into blood cancer. So many cemos till 1.5 yrs after that . When we got the oral medicine from usa of his mutation it was new fir Indian doctors they still continued cemo even tough medicine was working and body was unable to take more cemo and he got brain infection which They ignored inspite him getting himself admitted . They did ctscan and said no need of mri it was during Christmas. He kept saying head hurts still send him back home. We had no idea after that he got admitted again with high fever and fainted that time already late and he woke up with paralysis due to brain fungal infection increasing. One month fought with it patiently trying to move but due to food pipe food went into lungs then finally heart fail. I miss him so much . I wish I could have asked my father it’s okay not to be hero it’s okay not to always help but take help it’s okay to tell your kids your problem not always protect them from problems . I wish I learned this earlier .
i PMd you
You did not need to tell your father not to be a hero. He's your father. He knew how you felt . You said it without saying it and trust me I've said it , but it doesn't change his choice to be the hero who keeps too much from me , carrying too much on his own,that I find out other ways or just knew in my heart,but your dad wanted you to remember him a certain way ,as the hero he absolutely was. rust me he heard you, but as a father he felt a need to be your protector since the day you were born. With love ,Erica ❤️
in reply to Kshiprakapoor
Sorry to hear of another example of poor medical care leading to tragic results. My father died at age 49 from celiac disease. Stupid VA doctors missed the diagnosis and condemned him to a horrible death.
Kshiprakapoor in reply to
yes , and the one my father believed is my mother cousin brother . He is a good surgeon but also give good advise for all health related matters . Every time we all take advise from him this time not sure why he took it lightly and unfortunately this time it was first time advise for my father . My only ask was if he was unable to handle it why did he not suggested my father to go and meet specialist for the same ? Even I kept saying to my mother and father to show specialist but they believed him so much but I should have forced them to come with me I don’t know why I never tried hard to take Him to the specialist? I still don’t believe what’s this education system teaching us at schools ? Do we require all that rubbish unnecessarily knowledge which we all take or should we learn about all this hoe to give cpr , what to do if someone is getting heart attack , how to early diagnose breast cancer or prostate cancer which is so common at certain age ? Why can’t we have awareness about this in our school life so we can help our parents ? Why do we all have to learn so many equations and formulas ? Are we all becoming a scientist ? Or doctors ? I was saved by my grandmother through cpr in my childhood she was not highly educated but those days these were the skills they were taught
Studies show very low risk of secondary cancers after radiation therapy, typically either bladder or rectum. It's not zero, but it is a very low risk. And "blood cancer" is not mentioned in any such study I've ever seen. This is one study discussing the issue.
Many of the things that you are saying remind me of both my parents. Both suffered needlessly due to not being willing to see a doctor on a timely basis. I am sad to say that my feelings about my mother were damaged by the pain and anguish she put herself and my brother and I through. We lived away by then and had set up an appointment with a new doctor and she decided we were going to have her committed and just drove off to a family member. Before cellphones so it took some time to find her. Keep trying. I am not too bad off at this point with my cancer and I try to keep it from my grown kids too.
life is fragile. People are lucky to have each other as a family . It’s so shocking to know about your daughter. It’s so difficult to understand life. There is one power above all that’s named God who is running everything and we think we control and plan things . The more I try to understand life the more I get lost . Why we come here and where do we go ? Cannot believe a family member whom you stay with so many years is gone in a second never to return no matter how much you shout and cry you can’t stop anything .
yes …so true ❤️❤️❤️
my biggest fear is losing my parents. More worried about that than actually dying myself. So this hits home.. I don’t know what the future holds but I feel like I would just have a heart attack on the spot when the time comes of actually losing either one of my parents
yes, I'm the child who when he first got sick got every vitamin and herb and they allentvto waste even imported expensive stuff. Father's are closed off bc they want to protect their children , they don't want you to see the pain mental or physical , there's some stubbornness but most of it is truly just love and protection learned to respect that my father's decisions are his own ,and to believe in him enough to choose wisely though noone is more skeptical of the system than I am. Nevertheless he deserves his dignity and independence and to remain the father , not be the patient in his children's eyes , so I honor that wish he never said but that I can feel . As a man , he also thinks differently than me and as a father I must , no matter how frustrated I get , respect how he chooses to keep his hold as the father, protector , and daughter first love. I hope this helps. All my love to you and dad
in reply to Daddyishealing
crying ….this was my father, this is my husband, your words are so true❤️
Daddyishealing in reply to
ALL MY SPIRIT , HEART, AND HOPE . IN THIS TOGETHER . PM ME IF YOU WANT . IM NOT A PILLAR OF STRENGTH ,BC I CRY VERY EASILY BUT I WILL ALWAYS HAVE ANEAR AND TIME FOR MY FELLOW DAUGTERS . SENDING HUGS AND TENDERNESS , AND A HAND TO HOLD AS WE JUST TO ACCEPT
Very well said. Oh what how good it would feel to go back in time and just relive some days as a kid where they seemed invincible. When I thought certain things in life would always remain constant. When it felt like my parents would be around forever and remaining youthful. These days feel both long ago and also not long ago at the same time.
We all get our turn, we’ll be old one day too. The cycle of life yet it hurts so much
Sorry to hear but I don't think that has much to do with his being your father. I know two men, recently deceased from prostate cancer, who were not honest with me about their condition. I do not understand it. Perhaps your dad doesn't want to admit to himself how he's doing or to face it.
I don't go around with a blinking sign around my neck STAGE 4 CANCER and I don't tell everyone I know about it but I share updates with the people closest to me. If/when my health goes to pot I would communicate that too.
It must be sad and horrible to keep all that to yourself but there's probably nothing you can do about it. Courage.
Hello, I've been meaning to ask this question on the forum as well. My father is very similar to you. I'm in the same boat as you; he wants me to be his therapist and confidant, and his mood swings are pretty extreme; he can be toxic at times. and listening to him, saying mean things about people every day for 2-4 hours. I've been mentally drained and tired for the last 2-3 weeks, and I couldn't give as much attention as I used to, and I felt bad about it. And because I am an only child with very few friends, i felt im going through this journey by myself.
I am so sorry. I’ve been reading everyone’s comments and it’ll be tough to respond to everyone but I really empathize with you. I had to sit down with dad today and tell him honestly that I can’t be the only person he goes to anymore, and that there are professionals he can seek help from if he really is needing it. He asks me questions we all know should be directed to the oncologist or a family counsellor. And I just cannot do this anymore. I can only be there for the family as much as I can and I’ve long crossed my limit. Power to you friend.
I believe that what you're doing is beneficial to your mental health as well, or you risk becoming burned out. Thank you for responding to my comment. best wishes to you too
tell him not to be a scaredy-cat , the truth will set him free!
oh I am experiencing the exact same thing. Wish I had an answer for you but if this is what they choose and then we are forced to somewhat accept it.
The only thing I continue to make clear to him is that if he withholds any information from me then it could possibly prevent me from helping him. I’m drained and exhausted.. I can’t imagine losing my father and I just want to do anything I can to help him. This week he made it clear he didn’t want to talk or think about any of it.. I pushed a few times as I would imagine it’s healthy to talk about even in terms of what he’s thinking/ feeling .. maybe I could help him feel more positive if he’s feeling particularly down one day.. anyways I gave up this week. What can we do other than make ourselves available and do the best we can
Help him find and attend local or web-based Prostate Cancer Support Groups. He will learn a lot more and have inspiration from those who a also on this journey.
He will never do this. He’s had the cancer for 10 years and he’s always been against support groups. But again, expects I have the training a professional mental health worker or counsellor does. I’ve had to tell him I can only support as much as I’m able but I’m at my limit of filling all the roles he needs.
We (fathers in our 60's and 70's) are an independent, strong willed bunch of old codgers who are inclined to be strong for those around us.. My daughter have told me for years that I know every thing. I answer, I know a lot about plenty of things, but not all things... I am semi-computer illiterate so I do admit some ignorance. We were raised to be strong and independent. I am lucky to have 3 brothers who are all very close and sharing.. Plus I was worried about them catching this damned disease. Sorry your dad won't open up to you, he may never be brave enough to do that. It quite likely would pain him to do so.
It has a lot to do with having an XY pair of sex chromosomes. In Henry V, William Shakespeare writes that “Men of few words are the best men." Genetics can be a bitch sometimes! 😉
DarrylPartner
have you been watching our 21 video series of sons and daughters on YouTube?
Your father is a grown man. I would never impose so horribly on my daughter. Is his problem that he is afraid of doctors and hospitals? There's a limit as to what you can do for someone who won't listen or take responsibility for himself. You aren't the medical professional that he wants you to be.
PHnerd in reply to
I hate to sound so cruel but I’m not his doctor, I’m not his oncologist, I’m not a trained therapist, and I can’t fulfill all these roles he wants me to be at home. Just because I may be the “strongest” in my family, doesn’t mean I’ll never have a tipping point beyond which I can no longer take. It’s been really taxing on me and I’m starting to not even see light at the end of the tunnel for myself, let alone for others like my father.
❤️
I can emphasize with you…my dad is very stoic and outwardly very positive and also very private. I tell him all the time he doesn’t have to protect us and he is allowed to vent about how he is feeling and handling this diagnosis and his treatments. I have pleaded with him to pursue care given some of the alarming symptoms and hx of elevated psa in the past-so I have served as his primary confidant along with my mom (I’m the one who opened his chart to his bone scan results and he had me call and tell my mom). He tried to hide his diagnoses to his other kids, then repeatedly has not admitted to his staging (although they easily figured this out when realizing his tx plan)… my heart breaks for him as he is just trying his hardest to face this scary reality without putting any hurt on anyone else, he has always been everyone’s rock.
IMO the reasons for being closed off vary, but the causes are multifaceted:
1) Childhood, a boy who is seen as too sensitive or emotional is often teased (unmercifully) until they learn to “rub some dirt on it” and “walk it of”. For example, my grandfather and my uncles used to bandage serious cuts or wounds with duct tape. No need to get stiches when duct tape will work just as well.
2) Once we become husbands and fathers we are often helped up onto a white steed. It feels good to be the hero, so most of us settle into the role. After a while the people around us come to rely on us as their “knight” and don’t want to witness us be vulnerable or afraid.
3) Gender. I can access my nuanced emotions much more easily now without all that testosterone coursing through my body.
I’m lucky enough that my parents are still with us (88 and 87 years old). Talk about closed off. I have NEVER had a real conversation with my Dad, even though I know he loves me. I’ve had to accept that he is who he is, and that he’s unlikely to change at this point.
So, I’ve worked on changing my attitude. Today I went over and cleaned gutters, reorganized some of his storage, and helped him with some other tasks. I used to get frustrated by his iron control, his harsh tone, and his seeming inability to express gratitude. Now, after some wise advice from a friend, I was able to look at the afternoon as a blessing. I got the chance to spend an afternoon with my 88 year old dad, poking around outside in the sun, and helping him in ways that I know he appreciates. It was a great day, even if my mom had to tell him to say thank you to me as I was leaving.
I think our challenge as humans is to do better, once we know better. My wife, son, daughter and grandson make up my primary support team and I value each of them tremendously. My goal is to be better at expressing my emotions, how much they mean to me, and talking frankly about my life, and theirs.
I’m sure your dad feels the same about you -- whether or not he can express himself, but you can feel good about yourself for loving him, and supporting him as you are able – but, not to the point it breaks you down.
Take care of yourself and set some boundaries. We all have a tipping point and have to step back, take some time away and reevaluate at times for our own mental health. It's not just OK, but necessary.
Thank you all for your support and nice comments, they’ve been really helpful ❣️
my dad was diagnosed in February. I don’t relate to this so much, I feel like my dad does the opposite with me and tries to keep an image of strength and silliness.
I myself am a therapist, and this sounds like a boundary that’s probably uncomfortable for you to set cause your dad is sick. I get that completely, but I also get how hard it is to be the daughter of a parent with cancer. You are also dealing with this, and knowing all of those heavy thoughts might be a lot to handle.
Would he consider signing up for the zero cancer peer program? I did that and got matched with a peer family member. It’s free, takes a couple minutes and he would be matched with someone else dealing with this, based on his preferences.
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