A Different Kind of Man

[PhilipSZacarias]

Hello My Fellow Brothers on ADT and fighting PCa. Cisco99 recently posted his feelings about coping with PCa which reflected some of my own experiences. I thought it was poetic. His post elicited many good and insightful comments from fellow forum members, which brought many smiles to my face. I felt once again, that I was part of community of decent men coping as best they can, clear-eyed, with the Emperor of all maladies.

I sometimes write "prose" to help understand my predicament and myself. I have done this all my life and find it therapeutic. It is not poetry, but more like a story in a different format. Some may not like what I say, so apologies in advance.

Cheers, Phil

A Different Kind of Man

From the days of my youth,

Forty-seven longish years,

and for forty-one years of bonded union

I knew of only one kind of sexual state of being…

as a male of the human species

with a hormone centric identity and mentality.

Testosterone spoke for my desires, my obsessions and behaviour,

and too, my masculine form and health.

I cried soft, pillow-wetting rivers

when the ragged reality became apparent

of the testosterone-less sentence,

of losing my ability to have intimate sexual relations,

of feeling alive, wholesome

with my loving wife.

I had the fear of becoming a non-functional husband,

never again able to please my wife.

Never again able to fully

feel alive and to enjoy life again.

To lose, for the remaining years,

my former contented state of being.

I have slowly come to embrace

with comfort and understanding the

modified male that I am,

a human being with a residue of maleness,

the original form largely there, but a little softer

a better version of my former state of full maleness,

now, no longer a pejoratively “typical” male.

As I have oft said, in reality,

a male is but a modified female.

So now, perhaps, with a faint smile on my lips,

reflecting chagrin at my new state,

I am closer to humanity’s primary form.

When I delicately embrace my loving wife

with out stretched arms

enveloping her, tightening close,

seeing the Sol of a smile on her lips,

then the soothing cheek on cheek caresses,

and finally the kiss, the ultimate conclusion.

I have only feelings of love and affection,

my whole being singing

with no thoughts of sex.

I am less distracted by chemistry.

Perhaps I am a better man now.

19.11.28; 19.12.01

[Danielgreer]

Hi Philip, I like your poem. I’ve been on ADT for about 8 months now and I have a similar perspective. Before ADT I would have never considered myself artistic but now I’m taking photographs and writing poetry. Hard to say if it’s all due to the ADT since it may also be due to the realization of a shorter lifespan. Anyway it’s something good that’s come from a bad situation.

[PhilipSZacarias in reply to Danielgreer]

Hello Daniel, I like your perspective - another good way to look at our situations. Our lives before diagnosis may have been somewhat complacent- after diagnosis, no longer. Cheers, Phil

[AlanMeyer]

Hello Philip,

I'd like to make a suggestion pertaining to the line "... never again able to please my wife."

It turns out that it's actually easier to please most women with oral sex than with a male organ. It requires no erection, no ejaculation and no testosterone. And now here's the surprising part, it can be immensely satisfying to a husband as well as to a wife.

Is it the same? No, it's not. But you won't be a "non-functional" husband.

If your wife is interested, I'd give it a try. I bet you'll both recover at least some of something that you thought was gone forever.

Alan

[j-o-h-n]

Be what you is and not what you ain't, cause if you ain't what you is, you is what you ain't....

Good Luck, Good Health and Good Humor.

j-o-h-n Wednesday 12/25/2019 10:46 PM EST

[PhilipSZacarias in reply to j-o-h-n]

Right on

[Cisco99]

This so beautiful, man. My thoughts run right along with these.

[PhilipSZacarias]

Thank you Cisco99. Writing has always been therapeutic for me. If what I wrote helps to express my feelings and experiences to others and to connect with them , then I could not ask for more. Find some happiness in the New Year....that is what I am going to do. A little goes a long way. Cheers, Phil

[Cisco99]

Wonderful! Wonderful! I dig "prose." I write it too!