My husband Mike passed away last night, he had been in hospital for 5 weeks since Christmas and came home with a hospital bed and carers 4times a day. He fought a good fight against this dreadful disease since being diagnosed with advanced PCa at the end of 2013.
Treatment here in the UK isn't as aggressive as in the States so he had hormone therapy and tried Xtandi in Oct. This didn't suit him so he stopped it and was under review but the beast got away.
Life won't ever be the same now, we had been together for 54 years this March but I have lots of good memories to reflect on so that will be comforting.
Jackie
Written by
Jay10
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I'm so sorry to hear that your husband passed away. I hope that he didn't have any pain. My condolences and sympathy goes to you. Please take of yourself now.
So sorry. Our prayers are going to you. I am so thankful that your husband had you. Thank you for being by his side. Please know you did all you could.
I feel it is harder on wifes and caregivers than it is on those of us that have cancer.
"I feel it is harder on wifes and caregivers than it is on those of us that have cancer."
My feelings, too. I hope everyone here supports their state's quest for some version of the Death With Dignity (aka assisted suicide) law that is sweeping the U.S. In the states that have had one for a while, it is most decidedly NOT being abused by lonely old folks looking for an easy way out. It is usually being used sparingly and only as intended ... a last resort for intractably ravaged and certified terminal patients trying to spare themselves and their families unnecessarily horrible last few weeks or months. The movement will need our help even more under our new U.S. Attorney General, who literally wrote THE definitive book against it. I have vowed many times and very publicly that I will NOT let my wife suffer my moods and needs at that stage of my cancer.
But, then, I'm not Jackie or Mike, so I can't speak for them in this case. I can only presume both of them clearly saw and see both sides of an event like this. Do not feel guilty, Jackie, when feelings of relief for Mike's sake occasionally -- or even often -- displace your grief.
Over here in the UK I have had wonderful support from our local hospice team and they were here on the last day and gave me guidance as to what the signs of the final stages would be like. They even contacted my GP to get syringedrivers prescribed to help withvpain management so Mikes suffering was minimal.
I cannot speak highly enough of all the care givers we had for Mike and nurses that called in to see if was coping.
This is a b***dy awful disease and it bites back with avengence.
Keep fighting all you guys out there. We partners/wives will support you and care for you our loved ones til the end.
My condolences to you and I share your appreciation for the very special people who provide hospice care.
• in reply to
My feelings exactly both on the subject of Death With Dignity and its likely opposition by a neanderthal Attorney General who also hates marijuana and might go after medical marijuana dispensaries.
Oh Jackie.... I am so very deeply sorry for your broken heart and your loss of Mike Please care for you as you go through this. My prayers are with you. Most sincere,
Thank you for your kind thoughts Jackie, I have some great memories from our life together. We had fun times and I have our three children and three grandchildren to give me support. I hope that I can one day look back on the last couple of months knowing that at the end Mike was where he wanted to be, at home with all his creature comforts. I was able to put some of his favourite CDs on and this relaxed him and I talked about the concerts we had been to.
It's just a shame that things happened so fast, we thought we had more time left.
This group has given me comfort and the strength to help Mike cope with this disease.
Sending you love and best wishes and I will pray for you and Lg.
"We thought we had more time left", too. In Sept. 2014, we were told Ray had about one year. I remember saying to him in an almost teasing manner, "Well, you better get busy going downhill if you are going to die in a year!" It was ludicrious to think of his death in 12 months, based on how he looked and felt at that time. We asked his primary oncologist the same question, and he also agreed about a year. I thought they both were nuts! But within 2 months of that, Ray was in the Emergency Room due to excessive edema in legs and feet. As 2015 began, he started to seem a little better. Then, in July, Ray's pleural effusion worsened, and he had a thorocentisis to drain the fluid from around his lungs, which they said had been caused by chemo (Taxetere + Xtandi). Ray had a port inserted into his right side for easier draining at home by the now-assistance of home health nurses. We had no understanding that this was home hospice. We were so naïve, and just didn't get it. He was hospitalized for 8 days in Sept. 2015 (a year after the prognosis of one year), and finally came home very weak and thin. He never was the same. A staph infection set in on his lower leg. On Oct. 12, 2015 Ray was admitted again to the hospital with edema, fatigue, and lack of appetite. He stayed there for that week, until the doctor said they could no longer keep him, and he should be transferred to inpatient hospice. WHAT did you just say??!!! Ray died the next morning after only one night at hospice. I clearly understand your saying everything happened so fast. The last 8 weeks of my husband's life were a nightmare. I remained in shock throughout the following year 2016. As I looked back, Ray shut down verbally in Sept. when he came home from that hospital stay. He thought if he built up his strength he could still go to Texas with a friend for a long-awaited football game in November. This is just a gentle reminder that each day should count for something good and positive. There is no time left to put off what loving words need saying, or what apologies need saying. My dear God, how I wish I could turn back the clock and have a "do-over" that last year in which the doctors gave Ray, for indeed they knew what we refused to recognize. May each gentleman and spouse and family member fill every minute with sweet memories.
Thank you for your message. We also didn't take on board the fact that things were getting away from us so fast. Reflection of the last two months of Mikes life now show me that the Drs weren't being callous when they spoke of palliative care and a DNACPR notice, they were trying to let me know that the outlook wasn't good and to prepare myself but I had hope that he would pull through and get up out of bed.
I was putting some photos together for a picture board of Mike and realising that in the last 18 months how frail he became. The memories of that year and a half are such comfort to us all and he kept doing things as well as he could without a grumble so as not to worry us too much.
A truly loving kind and thoughtful person, my real one and only love.
My heart aches for you over the loss of Mike. It's a grim road to travel those last few months. I offer my most sincere condolences to you and your family.
Thank you, I know the next year will be a challenge but as wives or partners of men who have travelled this path we must remember the good times and the love we shared.
I will make sure our sons keep a watchful eye on their health, it was Mikes worry that prostate cancer is a silent killer.
I am so sorry for your loss ..I lost my spouse of 43 yrs at age 67.. it is so difficult to loose your spouse .i am attending a support group now..I wish there was a book or class to prepare you and guide you thru what a widow needs to do ..my spouse never gave up hope on his cancer but in the end it won ...fight the fight everyone ...
Sorry for not thanking you for your kind words before.
This is a club that none of us wanted to be in but I will make sure that I keep informing family and friends to be aware of this horrible cancer and to get GPs to test menfolk so that one day no spouse has to go through watching their loved one suffer.
Jackie God Bless. Our prayers are for you and for Mike. Please remember that once you entered this Forum you were both welcomed by some 60,000 plus new soulmates. We learn to share our love, our hopes and fears. Please keep reading our posts, your help and advice are welcomed. I too am in England so my progress may be similar to Mike's and I promise you I will listen to what you write. Yes, listen! We are all your family. David
Jackie - I am extremely sorry to hear of your loss. It must be so hard after so many years together to lose your soulmate and your best friend, and yes, it is such a hard way to go. About all I can say is what I have been told by others in my times of loss and sorrow: remember all the good times, cherish them, but at the same time move on to what is next. Love him as he was. But lead your own life now.
God bless. Prayers and thoughts go out to you and yours.
Thank you, I am in a better place today than I was on 10th Feb. We have been looking through some photos for the service to celebrate Mikes life. This has been therapeutic and has made me realise how our life in the last 18 months had changed, but Mike kept going as best he could so that we didn't see how the cancer was slowly taking over.
Thank you to everyone who has posted kind messages to me. I am doing ok at the moment but have a few meltdowns when I least expect it. God bless you all, the men fighting this battle and the partners who give their support to them.
Thank you, this week has been a rough one. The service to celebrate Mike's life is tomorrow 10th so lots of tears but lots of happy memories to keep in our hearts to help us all.
I will say a prayer for all the men and their partners tomorrow and I hope that the research being done will find a way to defeat this horrid disease.
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Please care for you as you go through this. My prayers are with you. Most sincere, 
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