Hello guys
Could anyone of you manage to meet the expectations of a non- ADHD partner in marriage/relationship? How do you deal with our constant failure to meet their expectations and thereby their constant disappointment. I constantly hurt my wife with my ADHD symptoms like dishonoring commitments, inconsistent efforts, and losing interest sometimes.
My partner do understands my ADHD, but ends getting depressed because of him.
I relate to this. My partner is the same. I guess what I want to know is….will it always be like this???
I completely resonate with this I have autism and ADHD but my partner has none of this, it can be really hard at times to communicate between the two of us but I think in the long run it is worth it. It's not like you are purposely doing these things to hurt your wife, she also needs to understand your struggles and maybe her expectations of you are a little high.
Communication is key but it can also be such a struggle when you seem to be coming from two completely different places, it is so frustrating. I tend to find myself writing text messages in order to best explain myself and it stops me from interrupting my partner or jumping to thoughts when he hasn't finished his point. Maybe you guys could do that too so you have the time to express yourself and process her issues/your issues in a less intense way.
If a neurotypical partner has neurotypical standards then we neurodiverse (ADHD, autism, dyslexia, etc.) will always feel as if we are failures. It's like the saying "if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, the fish will live its whole life thinking it is stupid". There needs to be a middle ground between couples and an understanding of each other's abilities/limitations. You might be amazing at getting stuck into a big DIY project whilst she's really good with daily run-of-the-mill things like remembering to buy milk or doing the dishes. We all have our strengths and limitations but we need to work together and establish where those are otherwise both of us won't be happy.
I'm not saying this is easy to do, it takes a lot of effort and you might still argue about certain things. My partner hates how he needs to repeat himself so much and I don't like his "wing it and see" attitude but acknowledging/actively working on those frustrations can only bring you closer together as you try different things to meet each other's needs.
Thank you for this. I would like to understand how this works in a Male ADHD & Female non-ADHD arrangement. Because, In a patriarchal setup, where the wife is usually burdened with the mundane home things and a lot of unpaid labour, having an ADHD husband adds further pain or hurt to the wife who is already struggling with gender dispaired system. So my symptoms of ADHD are easily assumed as acts of male privilage.
Dude I’m a woman who gets paid more (like double) than her man and he doesn’t think he needs to do that mundane shit coz he’s a man although I found my career and I excel in it and I’m miles above him it’s so annoying. He’s a technician and I’m a senior manager, he thinks I should come home and do the mundane things so I totally sympathise with your situation although born female I’m the typical man in our relationship. I pay for everything he pays for food shopping and the occasional place out to eat if it’s not me paying. I feel your stress man, it really is communication I did actually have to say I’m paying like 2,500 a month to keep us in our home why the hell you moaning I come home and sleep? If I didn’t work we wouldn’t be living the way we are. Sometimes expectations are too much and that’s why I said what I said coz I’m still seen to do the female role even though I’m the “bread winner” so to speak. I hope you and your wife find a happy medium though x
I can relate to your frustration. My husband and I both have ADD, but I’m older and have an established career. The pandemic kinda sped up is living together and he’s a lazy slob when it comes to the house. I’m the only one that works and he has no clue the value of a dollar or what can happen if you spend more than you make. He put us in a lot of debt. I’ve shut all that down. He’s depressed, usually seasonal, but hasn’t been out of bed since Wednesday last week. I’m taking some medical leave to work on my mental health, but I don’t know what else to do about my husband. Thinking of talking to the doctor this morning about committing him against his will to see if they can get his meds straight. I refuse to allow him to drag me down any longer and choose to be happy. I didn’t sign up for this.
I think talking to the doctor is a great idea. Wishing you all the best with sorting this out!
Salsinator~ Get into couples counseling ASAP. His depression is hurting you for sure, but also himself. Not getting out of bed with NO motivation is bad for anyone! Have you tried it yet?
Also, have you gotten him the book Taking Charge of adult ADHD by Dr. Russell Barkley, 2nd edition? It's a really helpful book. As is: "ADHD 2.0 New Science and Essential Strategies by Hallowell and Ratey
Hope these ideas help! Best of luck.
Thanks. We already see the psychiatrist together and both have a weekly therapist. Same one, but we see him separately. This depression in the middle of the summer is new, his depression is usually seasonal. He focuses on the negative and excuses for why things are happening to him all the time, he never takes any ownership in it. It’s always everyone else’s fault. This has been going on for nearly a year and I told him the other day I choose to be happy and am moving on. If he chooses to stay in his misery, Our relationship will end.
Hi, Prasanthk~
Unfortunately, there is a male/female disparity in the majority of countries regarding housework. The woman is supposed to do it. Not even younger generations have gotten away from this idea. Sometimes, the males are more helpful but not always.
In my first relationship (I'm female), I made the money, worked all day, payed ALL of the bills and was still expected to come home and cook. Oh, and clean on my weekends, laundry, everything. Could I hire a housekeeper, or chef? No, cost too much. But I, free labor was expected to do everything. I wised up and left. (BTW, I have ADHD.)
You could even with your ADHD set an alarm on your cellphone or smart device to compliment your wife. Say something like "Thank you for the delicious meal." The house smells lovely. Recognizing your partner and her efforts will help you both. Make sure they are genuine.
Also, I would write yourself a little post it note each day and write down the things you want to communicate to your wife. It sounds like you appreciate her; don't be afraid to say just that: I appreciate YOU.
Hope these ideas help you. Good luck on this journey of life.
GatsbyTheCat
I have ADD and my wife has ADHD. When we met, I was very functional. I had a good career, made plenty of money, had no debt. I was "good catch". She was young and very ambitious. She was even more functional than I was. She was highly motivated and driven and was on a path to a great career. Even a better catch than me. 
As I have aged, my ADD symptoms started to emerge and get worse. It wasn't until our son was showing symptoms that we both realized a lot of these things applied to me as well. I'm on medication, which helps greatly, but the symptoms have led to a lot of relationship problems between us.
The irony, is our symptoms are very different from each other. She has more of the vacillating emotional states and anger issues. She is mired in a very negative viewpoint of herself, our relationship and me. I have more of the distractible version. Because our symptoms are expressed differently, it's really hard for us to truly understand the other person and what they are going through, even though we both have the same basic diagnoses.
I think every partner has certain needs/expectations and when they aren't met, they get upset and depressed. It doesn't matter who has ADHD or not, this still applies. So much advice in dealing with my symptoms puts the onus on "my partner", who rightly pushes back "Hey, I have ADHD too, why do I need to manage his as well as my own???"
I also wrestle with some of the same issues you have. Even remembering to ask my wife how her day was seems beyond me. I can think about it over and over, for an hour before she walks in the door, but as soon as she does it goes right out of my head and I forget to ask her for the 1 millionth time...
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