Difficulties during the holiday season

[FrankenMummy]

I'm not sure if this is just my son, but I feel that during the holidays he gets more difficult and harder to reign in. I'm not sure if having a Christmas eve birthday comes into play as well with it all, but he's teasing his sister, needs frequent reminders, and all in all just can't seem to keep it together. On the plus side it doesn't seem to be an issue at school, as he's been having pretty good days, but at home, I just am getting to the end of my rope. I guess I just want to know if this is just my kid, or a common thing around this time of year for others.

[JJMom16]

Common. ADHD kids thrive on routine, and there is nothing routine about the holidays. It may be fun, but it is unpredictable and unsettling for a lot of people. Hang in there and help him anticipate what is coming in a given day. Rest is important, too. It can be hard to say "no" this time of year!

[Hidden]

From my experience with my son it’s about ‘organised time’ rather than what other reply called ‘routine’.

Most people with ADHD love variety, even variety of praise rather than let’s say every time hearing ‘well done’. Of course some people with ADHD have also ASD and then it might be truly about the ‘routine’.

My experience myself and my son with ADHD- love trying new fun things and doing fun things rather than stuff they consider ‘work’ (in their terms- so basically everything which they consider fun they want to do and stuff that is a chore in their opinion, or difficult and requiring effort to master- causing anxiety - don’t want to do).

So let’s say my strategy for holidays is either going away, let’s say during summer travelling around Europe, every day different and bringing new events, new restaurants, new food, interesting stuff, stimulating stuff, and no chores. The minute I ask my son during holidays ‘Oh, let’s do 10 questions on Mathletics because you are behind with maths.’- then he flips, doesn’t want to do it. So telling him to do ‘x’ and then you get ‘y’, he will get more difficult and defiant and say ‘Well, I am not doing ‘x’ and I don’t care that I am not getting ‘y’. It drives me up the wall.

That’s why my second strategy is booking him for holidays clubs - so if we are not going away then he just locally does clubs such as ‘football holiday club’ etc- 9am-3pm or longer, so I don’t have to see him at home playing Nintendo football all day and being ‘bored’ and rude and asking me ‘Mummy, what can I do?’ Then me suggesting let’s say playing board game or building Lego etc but all he’d like to do it play on Nintendo or watch TV and completely wasting his time. Luckily I have a younger son who doesn’t have ADHD and he is creative and good at organising ‘play’ and often he starts let’s say building Lego and then my older son joins in because it looks so ‘attractive and interesting’ the way the younger one engages in it (because he has very good focus and motivation and he doesn’t get frustrated so he achieves amazing builds way ahead of his age). Also the younger one has a strategy that he asks the ADHD son ‘Let’s play Lego together’ (etc) and if the ADHD son says ‘I don’t want to’ then the younger son says ‘Then you ask me something in the future and I will say I don’t want to as well.’ And it often works. We keep reminding the ADHD son that life is about give and take and if he does something for someone then they will be more likely to do something for him. Luckily the younger one is quite mature and has enough emotional intelligence to manage the older brother with ADHD.

If you can’t book your son to all day clubs where he’d have well organised fun time (Christmas might be tricky with that!) , then another option is breaking the day into chunks and your son getting points for each chunk of the day if he let’s say ‘follows instructions’ from you. My son’s tutor did a chart for us to use during the holiday break and the reward if he gets enough points will be a play day with one of the class mates. The thing is I am so disorganised myself that I keep forgetting to use this chart! So when the tutor comes next time I will have to make up something- like that he collected so and so points… 😄

As I am writing now he stirs there on Nintendo and it makes me sick…I wish he could read a book etc. Yeah, right, I know this won’t happen😄

Luckily we are going away for the whole week and my kids will have organised time during holidays and they will be in kids club doing skiing every day, so yes, with kids with ADHD it’s definitely about ‘organising their time’ in a seat that is fun. And if they can learn something at the same time- that’s a bonus.

And if you don’t care about winning the battles- then let them play Play Station etc. I often do it too. We all do as parents I suppose…

[Suzi_q in reply to Hidden]

I'm really jealous that getting to try new and fun things works for you and is actually fun. I can't do anything even remotely off routine or it ends badly. To that end, for my son this time of year when the schedule is different everyday at school, etc. He is so wired and unfocused I'm ashamed to say it's hard to be around him after a long day of my own. He seems to be doing well at school though so I'll take it as it comes and await the return of consistency.

[Hidden in reply to Suzi_q]

Every child and every person is different. It’s great your son is doing well at school 👍My son is lazy (yes I know it’s not politically correct to call someone with ADHD which is after all a disability, lazy, but I am calling myself the same so it’s fair) and anything that involves vaguely ‘hard work’ at something he doesn’t consider ‘interesting’ he doesn’t want to do it. Medication (Atomoxetine) hasn’t fixed it. However medication did fix his focus so let’s say he reads books like a 9 year old should and so on.

I’d say- I haven’t heard one opinion from a parent that stimulant ADHD medication (whichever it is - short acting, long acting, amphetamins or Methylphenidate) helped the child with social and daily living and in general in enjoying life. I also know that we would have a nightmare skiing holiday had we kept my son on a stimulant Methylpenidate. He would be irritable, anxious and not enjoying all inclusive amazing food, he would be weird and in himself…So depending what medication your son is on, I’d say maybe that’s why time off school is not great. Maybe he needs medication which would help him to enjoy his life. We wouldn’t have a great time with my son during holidays of any sort had he still been ‘tortured’ with daily come downs and all other effects (side effects) on Methylphenidate.

[Totoro363]

It’s so much harder for us during the holidays. The anticipation about everything rolls into meltdown after meltdown. I really don’t look forward to Christmas at all anymore.

[Momtrying]

my son has turned into a, for lack of a better word, monster in the last two weeks. Maybe it does have to do with all the holiday stuff going on. Our schedule has been the same because he was still in school this past week, but something has happened with him to make him a snap at every single little disappointment. Maybe they are just too stimulated? I don’t have advice, just understanding. It’s soooo hard. An enormous amount of patience/ignoring the tantrum is the only thing getting us through. Good luck, happy holidays!

[ADHD_DAD]

Just a quick note. From my son's November b-day until our February vacation has always been his worst time. I have always thought lack of sunshine (vit D) may be a factor, too, because February sunshine on vacation seems to get him on track. Could be plenty of things that account for the vacation reset, but it's consistent.

[eva2022]

How funny-I woke up this morning about to post the same question! Thank you to everyone who shared.

[Peerandparent]

As others have said, there's a lot of routine disruption as well as multiple novel forms of stimulus. This can lead any kid to be more energized than normal, and those intense emotions can come out in unpredictable ways. This is doubly true for ADHD kids. The best counter for this is to have as many touchstones as you can throughout the day; checking in with them periodically, doing some mindfulness exercises if they're willing, maybe even finding something stimulating but mindful for them to do (e.g. boardgame, cookie decorating) that can both occupy them and bring them to a more neutral state.

One thing I didn't see mentioned is our self-regulation as parents. For kids this is a fun and care-free time of year. For us grown-ups it's demanding, stressful and hectic. This means less attention than normal for our kids, and less tolerance for their behaviour. This can cause us to feed off our kids behaviour (and vice versa) and they can also pick up on our stress and be affected by it. Finding ways to manage our stress, reduce the expectations we place on ourselves, and delegating what we can is important. Maybe relying on relatives or playdates with your child's friends can relieve some of the child-related tension as well.

Easy to say, hard and sometimes impossible to do. I hate articles that talk about self-care because so often it's written from a place of privilege. Few people (especially parents) can afford to take a "me day". So rather than talking about self-care, I try to focus on self-compassion (for me self-forgiveness is a big part) and building a community of care.

We will survive this holiday, and normality (or what passes for it) will return.

[Suzi_q in reply to Peerandparent]

Thank you for the comment and self compassion vs. self care. As a single working parent with my own chronic disease just getting through a day is sometimes more than I can manage.