How do we fix this?

[HanDor]

I have a 13 yo boy diagnosed with ADHD and on the spectrum. He recently made a comment on social media about a family member that was insulting and disrespectful and this person was told about it. I don't know how to handle this. His impulsivity when he's angry causes knee-jerk reactions that he immediately regrets. To make matters worse, although our family knows of his diagnosis, he doesn't 'look' like a kid on the spectrum and that he will not grow out of this. Any advice for how to address this?

[Onthemove1971]

Thanks for your post. I know you must be very upset about this situation. One thing to keep in mind is that children with ADHD act about 2 years younger than their biological age. The other thing to consider is that they are not Neuro-typical and therefore their punishment/actions also needs to be different.

If I were in your shoes the first thing I would do is erase all of his social media opportunities. Then put parent control on all of his electronic options in the future. I would then have him call or write the family member and apologize.

I would also make sure he had medication to help him control this type of behavior, if you don't already have him taking medication. Life will get much more challenging and he needs help controlling himself. I am also not sure if you have him in thearpy so someone can help him understand what he did was wrong and why.

These are just suggestions and also consequences our son has experienced when we have had issues with him in the past. Knock on wood we are not having any issues and he is headed to high school next year.

The good thing is that we hope after he apologizes things will blow over.

Best of luck in working through this. Hope it all works out.

Take care,

[HanDor in reply to Onthemove1971]

Thank you so much. You read my mind! I have removed the apps that helped to create this problem and he and I have been talking about how to apologize. I realize face-to-face would be extremely hard for him, but then again, what was said was said online and that is out there forever.

He does take medication (has since he was 5). Usually his impulsivity is not mean-spirited, but when his feelings are hurt--which displays itself with anger--there is no control.

[Onthemove1971 in reply to HanDor]

Do you think he realizes that once it is done.. it is really done? In the past I have taken a tub of toothpaste and had my son squeeze it all into the sink. Then say ok now put it back... then I explain, you can't. There is no way to go back once it's out. He seemed to understand that better. But it did not stop him in the past from making big mistakes.

It's great that he takes medication, have you increased it when he has grown or do you think it helps?

I can tell our son needs an increase.

These are such hard lessons for everyone, but it sounds like you are hanging in there.

[HanDor in reply to Onthemove1971]

I haven't tried that visual aid but I think it would be worth it at this point. In the past, the names/words were limited to only his dad and myself. This involves someone who can choose not to like him after something has been said and that has hit home.

He is currently taking Tenex and anti-anxiety medication but it might be time to increase it. The anti-anxiety was increased just this winter, but with puberty, etc., it might be wise to increase and see how things go.

Thanks much for listening and the advice. I appreciate it.

[Justpeace]

Definitely agree with on the moves answer. Anger is in common thread with ADD. In my experience navigating this, shame, disappointment, and even envy of friends or family that are neurotypical. If it's in your budget I highly recommend therapy. Also puberty brings on more brain changes, absolutely there might need to be some type of medication change.

We as Parents, try to walk this line with discipline, to keep it appropriate.

I always say that the effort I have to put in to my one ADHD kid, is like having 3 without. 👍😫😂❣

[HanDor in reply to Justpeace]

I try very hard to educate people about ADHD and advocate for him. But emotional regulation problems (anger) isn't talked about with ADHD outside of caregivers. I knew immediately that he was reacting to something said or done--not just out of the blue comment. And with him being 13, it is hard to keep reminding others that his maturity level is probably around 10 or 11.

He is in therapy and their focus has been reigning in the impulsivity and it's a slow process. I will need to check in with his doctor about increasing the med dose. Thanks for the advice.