Feeling very low but ' numb'

I'm usually on here offering a bit of advice and support to other people but it's me who is needing it now.

The past while I have been feeling really low,which does happen with me even on medication,but it's getting worse. I know all the advice etc but sometimes there is no rhyme or reason to this depressed feeling...and why do I blame myself for everything when I know it's not me!

My Mum is ill, my husband has been working away a lot and home at weekends, thats stopped now but he mostly works 6 or 7 days a week when home. I'm home looking after 4 'kids' ranging from 8-18 and everything that entails! Two of them play football so I have the training run 4 nights a week and games every saturday to get too. I feel i've been swallowed up and this crazy hamster wheel will NEVER stop.

That is tip of the iceberg! My love is art and ive just done a calligraphy course which I loved and am doing a more advanced one soon...BUT...my husband always makes me feel like I should go and get full time work instead of ' messing' about with that kind of stuff.

I have gone back to work on several occasions, trying to balance it with home and family commitments was too much and I ended up at my GP in floods of tears and close to a breakdown.

I have spoken to my husband and tried to get him to understand what it's like and that I need to have a proper talk....he says hes working but has taken a day off this monday to talk....nice of him to book me in Eh? lets hope I feel like opening up in my alloted time slot!!

I walk around feeling worthless,ugly and guilty for being a stay at home mum and can't shake this blackness off just now.

Any thoughts welcome ' fellow sufferers.'

[Sidney1plumber]

Hello there! You can talk to me l don't mind at all.l am slowly picking myself up from a massive breakdown,so l know how awful & hellish hard life can be.just reply back to me real soon! & we can talk.best wishes from Sid.

[loggerslot]

I don't think you need to blame yourself. the cycle of life you are going through with family, kids etc seems typical of most married people's lives and i think having depression makes managing responsibility worse so don't blame yourself. despite your mum being ill, try to concentrate on the positive aspects throughout the day, as that is a bit anchor you have in order to stay away from the negativity. you have a wonderful gift of children and you send them to training. spend some time there and see them train, maybe something will happen that will make you smile and seeing them do training may come across as rewarding, that you've been a good parent bringing them up. its good you are doing these short courses and personally i would try to fit them in and keep going on them. you have that time to speak to your partner so be gentle, kind words and explain yourself clearly. with the kids try to adapt them to a fixed daily routine that will give you some time and space. maybe chat to them that your mum is not well and you need their support so that you can see your mum.

I've gone through that stage of num-ness and cold feeling recently through a fault of my own misunderstanding, gone off eating, upset, lost for words and want to feel like its a dream but i do hope it will be short lived. what we go through during and after depression is all about managing these feelings so that they don't dominate you but you slowly learn to control them.

[Hidden in reply to loggerslot]

Thanks for you reply. I do stay and watch the boys train and watch every game....the funny thing is that out of all the chaos, its watching them that does give me a massive amount of pleasure and pride and gets me away from the house and the grind x. Things have blown up between me and my husband, he could see that i really needed to talk but just kept putting it off and lets everything else get in the way, feeling dont work like that ..as you know!! ive said things and he turned to me and sneeringly said...r u talking to yourself again?! then says he cant understand my depressiion and when im like this. To be fair, I have tried to help him understand as I know it must be difficult from the other side, I maybe suggest he reads an article that I maybe think helps explain it, he reads and its just.....whatever. Ive given up trying with him. Theres not understanding and thers not wanting to understand.

Im sorry, this is me ranting! ...

[loggerslot in reply to Hidden]

don't worry. we're here to listen to you.

do you have time to maybe get counselling or have a close friend you can talk to? maybe your friend can have a word with your husband or if you have a sister or cousin maybe they can. I know its difficult when you have situation where the closest person to you doesn't understand what you are going through but hang in there. make a routine with the kids and ensure that within the routine you make time for yourself. keep up with your spare time activities and courses and use those as motivation to try to get better. you may already do this but maybe have a day where you can sit with the kids and have a take away and ask them how they're week or day went and what happened, let them talk and use that as a way of drifting away from your negativity.