I need to vent and want your feedback

[katiebug12]

Life lately has been pretty stressful.

I was two classes away from earning my bachelors degree but since my depression has made everything so difficult, I had trouble keeping up and did not pass my classes. I had a post graduation job lined up and everything but it fell through because of this. Since I had already quit my job and was replaced, I did not have enough source of income, ended up getting behind in credit card payments and got sued for owing the bank money.

For a while I'd come home from school or work to my mom who would drink one large bottle of wine by herself almost every single night. I didn't hardly ever get asked about my day, how I was doing or nothing, I just went to my room to attempt to do my homework without getting distracted as I overheard my mom and step dad argueing with each other.

I started staying most nights with my boyfriend because it was a better environment for me. She would text me a lot of times and tell me things that often I ignored but at times she would say some pretty hurtful things to me. She accused me of being on drugs, she told me that I am making a train wreck of my life, she told me she doesn't think me and my boyfriends plans are going to work out... and so many more.

I eventually moved in with my boyfriend because I didn't want to be in such a toxic environment anymore. My own mom doesn't support me or even try to know who I am.

I've told her about my depression but she made me feel like an idiot when I told her. She made me feel like I was crazy and said, "Why would you be depressed? You seem fine."

She didn't even try to understand or listen to me, just gave me her opinion.

Since I couldn't go live with my dad, my boyfriend told me I could move in with him so I did. I have been on medication and going to a therapist due to depression making it hard for me to go to school, work, do daily activities, and take care of my responsibilities. For a while, I haven't been myself.

I am going to try to finish my degree because that is what I really need to do for myself. Since I started college, I have worked two jobs at a time as a full time student. I have also been involved in volunteer work and my undergraduate organization at my university. I like being busy, I like doing things that are important to me, and I want to do it because I know someday the work might pay off.

But I'm starting to wonder if I've worn myself down. I have often felt hopeless, alone, I constantly feel like I have let myself down and I keep questioning my future.

Everything feels impossible right now.

I don't want to keep isolating myself from the world or keep disappointing myself.

When I get this wave of emotions and it has often left me feeling like I am not good enough. The added stress keeps making life that much harder on me and even though what I really need and want for myself is to complete college and go from working two jobs to one. I have avoided a lot of things important to me in the last few years.

It's only been a couple months of medication and therapy but how can I cope with my stress while struggling with depression, too?

I don't want to ruin my life any more.

Any feedback you may have is very much appreciated.

[Missnoname]

Oh girl, I just read this. You have a lot going on. Don't you love it when other people tell you how you're supposed to feel? Your mother is doing you a disservice by dismissing your feelings and scolding you instead of seeing this as an opportunity to teach and support you. And in a way I feel sorry for her, because as a mother I think one day she will probably realize it.

I feel for you. I've messed my life up pretty bad because of my symptoms, and it's a terrible irony that what seems so easy to mess up takes so much work to fix, all the while trying to deal with depression and guilt. I try to look at these things as a learning experience. My family wasn't close at all, but now that I have children I kind of use my childhood as a "what not to do when parenting" guide. What I can tell you is that when you DO get everything together, and you will, it feels really good to know that you did it in spite of what others thought. Unfortunately you still have to develop a thick skin, as I'm sure you see. I'm the only one in my family with a college degree, and my father still talks about me like I'm a giant loser 🙄. My mom has since passed, and I can't say I was all that devastated.

[chloe40 Administrator]

Hi katiebug12

Welcome to our Community.

My you've been through and still going through a tough time, I feel for you I really do.

You have a goal and that goal is still in mind so that is good, you've worked hard, you deserve to graduate. You've done everything right but have been faced with depression and an unsupporting parent. I'm so glad you've seen a therapist but I would suggest you go back, you may need to have your medication changed so that you can function better.

Having two jobs and study is too much but many have to do this to support themselves and I applaud your dedication and motivation to succeed and you will succeed, you are very nearly there. Visualise the finishing line ahead and that will help keep you going, your graduation ceremony is one of the best days of your life and you are going to experience this and you'll be stronger for your perseverance and I wish you everything in the world, you deserve it.

So, if you can sort your medication, you'll be so much better and discuss anything else that's worrying you while you are there.

Please do keep in touch Katie.

Chloe

[katiebug12 in reply to chloe40]

Thank you so much for your kind words!