We often ask the question what make us tic but in the pursuit of this I lost sight of what actually makes me tick and how this influences my Tourette’s and co-morbidities
One of the biggest influences on my life is my horrific childhood and my suppression of that period in my life.
My life has been one long line of suppression
Suppressing Tics, Physical and Mental pain, Feelings and Emotions and suppressing Memories
I decided a long time ago that to have no childhood is better than remembering a really bad traumatic one.
My main technique to suppress the bad memories is to lock these bad memories away.
I have an imaginary safe in the back of my head and in it I put the bad eras of my life; unfortunately even good memories that occurred during the same time period can end up in there too
As a result this method takes away my childhood and I only remember being an adult
I can access these memories voluntarily when I need to deal with them or I need to reference them either for myself or when giving advice this has a price of a feeling of dread and fear.
If I remember any of the good memories locked away they can trigger the bad ones as well tainting the memory and making it less desirable to access any childhood memories.
Just like my tics my memories can be triggered as well.
Sometimes music can trigger a memory and a feeling of fear and dread comes over me as it can take me back to childhood era.
Some smells that are only familiar to childhood can trigger similar feelings and memories.
Another method I have inadvertently developed is how to cope with childhood photographs
The small boy in the photos is not me I recognise him and I have a great sadness for him which can bring me to tears as I know what he went through in his childhood, the pain, the fear, the abuse and the strange things his body and mind did that he and his family did not understand.
I rarely look at my childhood photos as it is a very sad task to carry out when my children ask to see them and I try to hide my sorrow, yet another suppression of feelings.
I think this section of my life and the suppressing of it may have and still may contribute to my co-morbidities.
In conclusion I know I eventually have to pick through these suppressed memories in my own time and eventually come to terms with them.