If you have any sense you would decline my offer, I’m not in a good place at the moment, I was going to write about my problems with my teeth but I’ve been given news that somehow trumps a big mouth ulcer caused by trauma ( that’s me digging my incisors into the inside of my front lip ). So my trip to the dentist was on Thursday, fillings required where my gums are receding due to my over-exuberance withy the toothbrush, a polish and another look at that nasty mouth ulcer, so I have to go back to see her. I was quite proud of the fact I have no fillings, but these fillings will be due to too much care rather than too little (yuck). So in the meantime I should wear my gumshield thingy and dab Bonjella on the ulcer.
The second problem that’s been discovered is a bit more important and lifelong, on Friday I had an assessment with the guy from IAPT – Increasing Access to Psychological Treatments who wants me to be assessed again by my psychiatrist as he suspects that I probably have Bi-polar disorder (manic depression). After doing a bit of research this doesn’t surprise me as this does seem to match me to a tee and that I’m probably having at the moment what they call a “mixed episode” one day I’m up on top of the world and then I’m suicidal, in fact this assessment has been moved forward has come about due to me taking an overdose a couple of weeks ago (hence the GP call out and the crisis team coming to see me). I have for the last few months been swinging from being highly energetic and busy etc, having sex with a couple (just 2) guys but not at the same time, to just wanting to stay in bed and feeling suicidal. (I might have to edit out the last bit). As a result of these happenings I’ve been given new meds – Carbanazepine, which is a mood stabilizer. I’ve taken my second dose this morning, I’m on a downer today, really I just feel like staying in bed, but I dragged myself up, had a cup of tea and meds and hauled my sorry a**e into the shower, now here I am, this is actually taking a lot out of me, rather like those folk who are running the half marathon in Brum today, an old uni friend included. I must also admit at this juncture that to some extent I have also been trying to mask these extreme mood changes, trying to reign myself in when in the company of others or trying to perk myself up – which is very hard work, particularly when you really don’t want to leave your bed let alone talk to someone.
So as a result of this discovery CBT – that’s cognitive behaviour therapy may not be for me at the moment, but medication is, but the problem is at the moment is that ‘im indoors isn’t really aware of me, or has probably normalised my ups and downs, he didn’t notice that I’d taken an overdose and next time I may actually be successful, that’s my GP’s concern, he was told to watch me carefully, make sure I eat, sleep, wash and take my meds (properly not all at once) and to take me to A&E if I feel suicidal. That hasn’t happened, crisps for lunch and he’s completely oblivious to the fact that I may or may not have taken my new meds this morning.