I never thought it possible... but I actually smiled earlier! Not that silly grimace I usually do when someone tells me to smile (think of a large mouth bass in pain then you get the idea) but a REAL smile! I started a new course about customer services for autistic people today. There are four others on the course with me.
This morning could have gone really wrong though. My support hadn't been arranged properly (told you when M left it would go wrong!) so I was dropped off at the centre alone. At first I was completely overwhelmed but after a short time I relaxed and realised that these other people are JUST LIKE ME!!! (well minus the tics) On the first break I went into typical 'autism mode' and spent most of it on the PS2 playing Sega games, but I overheard one of the girls talking about where she lived and I knew where it was so I actually joined in the conversation! I told everyone about Ralph and Lorenne (most of them got the joke with the names!) and that I work at Wood Green animal shelter. I was worried about how my tics were going to affect the others, but they just ignored them or laughed with me when I shouted 'I SMOKE CRACK' when told we weren't allowed to be on site under the influence of drugs! We only explained a little bit about my TS but they all totally understood.
Anyway because of the cock up I was alone for the entire day, 10:00 - 3:00. Normally I would return home in a foul mood ready to yell obscenities (not coprolalia) down the phone at the incompetent office staff, but when one of the staff 'D' apologized to me I just said 'It was better being alone if anything. I talked to people. I had to!' At lunch time we all talked about the Sims (a life simulation game) and how we used to kill them and laughing at the fact that they run INTO fires! In the afternoon session we played 'would you lie to me', writing four 'facts' about ourselves although one of them was actually untrue. I put: 1. I have an English GCSE. 2. I can speak German. 3. I am a good dancer. 4. My parents got married the day Chernobyl exploded. Pretty much everyone went for Chernobyl, but they were wrong! My poor parents did indeed get married on the 26th April 1986 while the power plant was exploding half way around the world. The false one (anyone who knows me would know) was that I am a good dancer. With the dyspraxia barely allowing me to walk in a straight line most days (plus I fell over a chair while there!), I am really not a good dancer. I didn't entirely lie though because when they questioned me about it, I said I danced at Shenley Church End when I was 10. That bit was true. When I came out with the false answer, I explained that I had indeed gone to dance classes age 10, but I got kicked out after a few lessons because I kept tripping everyone else up!
So things are pretty unsettled at the moment, but some things are looking up. I had a mental health crisis last week and nearly ended up as flat as the hedgehog that used to lie near our local park (we prodded it with a stick). It was after my meds were fiddled with YET AGAIN plus the fact that I was missing M and N, plus the fact that I was worrying about going on this course, plus the fact that I was OCD-ing about various people who hadn't texted me back... etc. I went to see a psychiatrist who took my fluoxetene down by 10mg again with the intention to reduce further in two weeks and begin a new medication. When I get it I will say what it is because it had a difficult long name... The psychiatrist is also arranging for me to go to a day centre once a week to get group therapy and my social worker is referring me to the local 'mind' centre where they do lots of activities that can keep me occupied during the day. That's part of the problem really. Too much time to think. Hopefully by the end of the year I will be so busy I won't be able to dwell!
On behalf of my daughter aged 11
Trying to understand- urges or tics?
Morning 5 of Aripiprazole