At this moment in time I have three big cycles of inefficient thought revolving about the fear of the unknown. I’m known for my worrying, I worry about the slightest thing so maybe I need someone to reassure me or kick me up the backside and tell that everything will be ok . What’s the big worry you wonder? Well, I’m due to start Habit Reversal Training (HRT) next week …scared yet? Well I am. Here are my three main worries ……
1- Pete
Pete worries me, my partner of 10 years, that’s a long time, the time has actually flown by and I still find it difficult to fathom out the inner workings of the male psyche. (Grand Prix racing and motorbikes). On the whole he’s supportive, loving partner and has cared for me when I’ve been struck down by deep, dark bouts of depression or knocked sideways by endometriosis, but my TS is another matter, in fact I’m not sure what his view of it is but he did have tics as a boy and claims that he “taught himself to stop”. That’s easy for him to say but I’ve been ticcing away since 1986, If I could stop don’t you think I would have found a way by now? As my TS has gradually worsened over the previous year or so I have learnt to become more self sufficient emotionally even though my tics can make some things quite difficult at times. Whilst I have tried to cope with the situation by using humour, Pete seems to shy away and has difficulty accepting these changes “You didn’t do it before so why are you doing it now?”(Regarding my coprolalia) I also ask myself that question; unfortunately I don’t have an answer.
The worrying problem is that from what I understand of the process of HRT a significant person will be playing a major role in the treatment, I’m not sure that he’s aware of all the tics I have, I do tend to retreat away from him when my tics are bad as I’m probably very irritating, plus I guess it must be uncomfortable sitting next to someone who’s constantly hitting hers
2-The HRT itself
In a nutshell, from what I gather so far is that HRT replaces one tic with another less offensive tic, am I right? This treatment seems pretty intense to me also, probably the most intensive psychological treatment I’ve undergone (scary). I also have this annoying trait where if I’m unable to find the logic in an action, the odds are on that I probably won’t do it. Will the HRT make sense? Will it work on me? Will, what, why, when…….blah, blah, blah……aagghhhh!!! Panic!!!
3-The DWP
Being seasoned dolescum I am at the beck and call of the DWP, they say “Jump” I ask “How high?” As I have been unemployed for quite a while now (I have been unable to go back into teaching due to my TS) as well as under the command of my Job Centre Plus I’m under the control also of a private company called Pertemps. It’s their role to help me back into employment and sometime in the near future (before Christmas) I need to do 4 continuous weeks of work experience or 4 weeks of sitting in their classroom writing CVs etc. I was looking forward to the prospect of work experience until a letter from Birmingham and Solihull Mental Health Foundation Trust arrived telling me that my HRT would be starting on the 14th October, which I was very happy to hear about as I thought that it wouldn’t happen until January. I have spoken to both my advisor at Pertemps (I’m waiting to hear back from her with a solution) and I’ve spoken to staff at my local Job Centre Plus. I’m probably worrying over nothing here but it worries me. Maybe it serves me right for being unemployed, I should get off my backside and get a job, but I couldn’t see any employer that I’ve ever had being sympathetic enough to let me have a day off a week. I got the sack from one job for taking time off sick due to my then un-diagnosed endometriosis. I hope this problem gets sorted soon.
PS – I’ve just spoken to my advisor who has told me that the work experience is mandatory, and I can’t miss any of it, she suggests getting in touch with my Job Centre Plus (again) in particular the disability advisor (who’s usually quite helpful) or get myself signed off sick! I feel fine! I will keep you posted; I’m not going to let this one go as I’m very lucky to have been offered HRT.
