I haven't written a blog post for a while. I haven't been too well mentally so I have been a bit reclusive recently, both online and in real life. There was a bit of a cock up at the home. The Wednesday visit hadn't actually been arranged so no one was expecting me. It also turns out that the other residents don't all have Asperger syndrome, but various learning disabilities/physical disabilities. I was a bit upset about this at first because no one told me about this but I have dealt with it now especially since I realised that I myself am far from 'perfect' what with my long list of diagnoses... The second PLANNED visit went much better and we sat and had a chat with the staff who told me all about the other residents and what I would probably be able to do when I move there. There are a lot more activities than my current house has and they are not all reliant on transport.
Despite me being happier about the house and having seen my future room (it is big and currently contains a hamster which is not included), the inevitable nerves have kicked in and triggered off some serious mental health problems. Panic attacks are happening more often and I have been getting 24/7 intrusive thoughts which can be really terrifying and completely insane! Having convinced myself that I was an undiagnosed schizophrenic, I stumbled across OCD UK, a charity specifically for people with OCD. It has a large list of possible symptoms, some of which I did not even know were part of my OCD. Previously I have wrongly assumed that I was cured of my OCD because I no longer obsess about germs or wash my hands 50 plus times a day, but I didn't realise the intrusive thoughts were part of it. I have never felt so relieved in my life as I did last night when I read that it is a completely normal part of having OCD (as is worrying about developing schizophrenia apparently!). I knew that people with TS often have intrusive thoughts too, but no one had mentioned the more taboo subjects that have come up in my head. I thought I was a sick, mental and evil person, but I have realised that I am ILL not sick or crazy.
Reading the truth about my OCD has made me realise how irritating it actually is when people diagnose themselves as 'a little bit OCD' because it was people like that who have led me to believe that OCD is entirely about touching, checking and thinking about germs. It also makes my illness, one of the top 10 most severe mental health problems in the UK, seem almost trivial, like it isn't serious. The amount of times I have had to correct someone on their use of the term 'OCD' has driven me nearly mad! I ask them 'are you ever in severe discomfort or distressed by almost constant obsessive thinking/compulsions?' most people say that it doesn't actually bother them. It turns out they thought OCD was just checking the car was locked one too many times. I wish that was all it was!
The problem I now face is what to do about my OCD. The company I live with seem either unable or unwilling to provide me with the CBT which several Doctors and professionals have all agreed I need alongside the medication. The medication is also a problem because the Citalopram lessened my intrusive thoughts and compulsions but didn't make me less angry, whereas the fluoxetine has not lessened my intrusive thoughts and compulsions at all, but I feel so much less angry when I take it. I wish there was a medication which did both! No doubt if there was (or is) it would give me loads of side-effects. That is Sod's law after all!
I'm going to try and relax now because I have had two weeks of disturbed sleep thanks to my anxiety, a noisy fish filter (and I paid nearly £40 because it said it was quiet!), the fridge constantly groaning throughout the night and the houses' boiler which makes a loud, vibraty thrumming sound for over two hours just as I am trying to settle to sleep! It would also help if I stopped getting amazing ideas for projects to do just before I go to sleep as well...
He'd just got off the bus, me on the bus so I couldn't go after him, he knew that I'd get stressed and I'd think that he'd be then walking all over the lounge carpet. (There maybe dog poo on the village green)
