Keeping friends.

[Medz]

Over the years I have lost many friends as my interests change and my limitations grew. Never have I lost a friend through disagreements . Some move away others are not on the same wavelength anymore and lifestyles change and time is such an important factor...our own patterns of life create new and keep old friends.

When illnesses occur especially chronic time becomes valuable and keeping up with people not so prevalant in ones life is less important.

Long term friends however usually balance out changes well and adapt to their changing lifestyles.

I don't have huge amounts of friends and am very loyal.

Lots of changes recently in a good friends life and my own means that a catch up once every few months is now the norm but we are still great company.

Another very close friend lives the other side of the country and my visits had dwindled due to my health....she now treats us to a girlie weekend at least once a year....as we have been friends for over 30years and are both so rubbish at keeping in regular touch.

Another friend comes every week for tea.

These are patterns forming.

But when a friendship breaks down it is quite devastating.

For 19 years I have been friends with jean she is a very young at heart lady and although a number of years older we had what I thought was a good friendship.

We have always been in contact at least once a month if not more.

When I look back over these years I know I have been friends with someone who was always in it for herself.

We went out so that I would drive...I would take her somewhere nice for a birthday lunch....on my birthdayit would be left for me to choose (as its your birthday....she would say.)

Once we were going out for the day....with some other friends I was 5 min late and they went without my....oh I thought you didn't want to come....she said. Even though I had been excited about it the night before on the phone.(I know it was a punishment for being late.

She was constantly checking her watch when we were out and had to keep to a rigid time. Which I put down to part of her personality. When I phoned and it had been a while she would be curt with me.....the last time I was told off....oh I thought you would phone eventually. It apparently was my turn but I had forgotten and the time went on...fearing she might be I'll and that's why I hadn't heard I called her.

When she greets me she opens her arms stepping back so I have to hug her....like she of course deserves.

I must admit looking back over all the years I have always tried to please her and hoped she would be the same for me.

Recently ...well 3 years ago....the pain management programme offered me therapy CBT.

I learned how from a child I had learned to look after and please....working through a lot of this which was very up and down ...I learned that you cannot change people and was taught how not to become victim and recognise I have needs too. One relationship....my mother...took a hammering but things are coming good.

I have learnt to make mistakes and move on.....and to stand up for myself asking is this reasonable or unreasonable behaviour they are giving.

My daughter has seen a new mum and often tells me I wasa pushover in her childhood....we are good now too.

But back to jean....last time she contacted me....she asked if I would like a day out locally .....I was thrilled it was so spontaneous....ah sorry I have a hospital appointment but can go any other day. Oh she says.....that's a shame my son is staying in this village overnight with his girlfriend......and I thought we could drive together....erm how do you get there?

Phtut so thats why she wanted me.

The time before that it was my turn and I invited her for homemade soup and bring your knitting.

So it became my turn again.. I did not want to be pulled in to the turns to phone thing and I was cross for asking me out for her benefit.

So I put it to the back of my mind and carried on with life.....then I was ill. Really poorly.

I have been for nearly 2 months....I have not been in touch with anyone.. lots of my friends have found out I was ill. Sent me flowers ...text....emailed.

Yesterday jean put a book through my mothers letterbox...one that she had borrowed months ago from me. At first my mother had no idea who it was from or why. Then that evening jean phoned my mum and explained she was passing so thought she would put it through for her to give me as she hadn't heard for so long she thought I probably didn't want to bother..........

........bother what?

I dnt understand it .....am I now to blame.....we are not in a relationship.....we are not breaking up. 19 years and she thinks I don't want to bother. 19 years of being at her beck and call.

I used to wonder why she never seemed to have other friends....and her sons are mostly estranged .

She blamed their partners.

So here I am not well....and faced with do I call her or not?

I feel very vulnerable at the moment and don't want to be manipulated into victim again.

My therapy has ended so would like some advice.

Medz

X

[MacG]

Hi Medz,

I am sorry to hear that you have been so poorly. At difficult times that like that it is the love, support and empathy of friends/family that carry you through.

Do I sense that your contact with Jean doesn't leave you feeling good? If so, her feelings aside, I would just ask yourself Do YOU want to contact her?

If you are feeling low and vulnerable at the moment why put yourself through something that is likely to add to your distress.

I don't know if this helps, but I am sending you my best wishes and hope that things improve for you.

[Medz in reply to MacG]

Mmm I often wonder why we are friends ....I am always left feeling I have done something wrong and the overwhelming desire to keep people happy is what I suppose draws me back.also the feeling I have let myself down in some way....it is far more complex than I realise.

I can never do anything right though....tut tutting for my lateness.....looking at what I haven't done rather than what I have. Putting her needs first.....I know youre not well but can you do my hair.

I thought you might like to go to town.....I need blah blah and blah.(me driving ...of course.....and waiting.....and waiting)

Another thingI once plucked up the courage to tell her about....is the constant tapping my arm to bring my focus to her. Pah she said I hardly touched you.

And never once has she apologised.

This though has undermined me.

So I think I am not going ...."to bother"

Thanks for your understanding....I realise things become out of proportion when you are poorly.

[Clutter]

Medz, Im not quite sure why you want to continue the friendship, Jean seems to take without giving back to you but perhaps she has other reedeming features which attracted you as friends originally. Perhaps you could ring her to thank her for returning the book and say you've not rung as you've been unwell but you would have enjoyed seeing her when she returned the book to your mother.

[Medz in reply to Clutter]

Thank you clutter...I do have mixed feelings about this....mainly because I know her of old and always she comes out on top. Its been a strange friendship for me...whenever I felt cross with her and ready to back off...she pulls me back in somehow...and away we go again.

Once she told me very casualy that I was her alibi...to her husband...while she was having an affair.She text me to let me know when she was 'with me'. I told her I wouldn't lie...she just said pah and waved her hand.

I think I am not well enough to manage my feelings if I speak to her.

Going through my mum was below the belt

Thank you for replying

Xxx

[Fruitandnutcase in reply to Medz]

Apart from all the other stuff about the book etc - you definitely don't want someone who would use you like that as a friend. I actually dropped a person who we were friendly with when she pretty much boasted about being used as an alibi by someone who was two timing his wife - I thought that was just an awful thing to do.

I agree with the saying 'Friends for a reason, friends for a season' etc. she really doesn't sound a very nice person. You don't need someone in your life who makes you feel bad.

You would probably be better to just let the intervals between contact get longer and longer rather than have a showdown or even discuss why you feel unhappy with the friendship. I did that with a now former friend - it was just around the time I was diagnosed hyper - I was pretty grouchy and intolerant at that time. I was perfectly justified in what I said but it didn't go down well.

She would likely as not make out she didn't understand what she had done wrong and it would be your fault anyway, just don't get in touch and if she does just smile sweetly and say you have been SO ill you weren't able to be in touch but you'll maybe call her one day when you feel better - then forget her

[Medz in reply to Fruitandnutcase]

That sounds reasonable and true ....she doesnt want to know when I am ill anyway.I think I would not let it upset me so much if I wasn't so poorly...my moods are very weepy quickly. Feeling sorry for myself. X

[Fruitandnutcase in reply to Medz]

When I say 'I did that' I mean I had the showdown - And why not feel sorry for yourself - then decide you are worth more than that and get on with getting better and having a good life

[Hidden in reply to Fruitandnutcase]

I agree with you 100% well said.xx

[Hidden]

Medz, forgive me for taking a hard line here, but she's no friend, she is a user of other people, controlling, a liar, and a duplicitous cheat. If you want her in your life, let it be on equal terms rather than solely meeting her needs; and however she chooses to behave, according to her moral code, don't allow your own to be compromised.

Here endeth the lesson

[Medz in reply to Hidden]

Thank you...I like a hard line...it puts it in perspective...and you are right. To other people she is so nice and likes people complimenting her. ....she was after all Miss blah blah in 1961. But unless you are doing something for her then look how its turned out.......running to my mother. I have with my therapist been trying to look at life on my terms... Its laughable really if I didn't feel so ill. So thanks Its what I need... to know I am making the right decision.

[Hidden in reply to Medz]

I think she's the long lost twin sister of a "friend" of mine. I have recently decided that it's time for her to be out of my life. No showdown, just a gentle withdrawal of my services (she makes constant demands on me) and I marked my decision by unfriending her on Facebook yesterday. No great thing, and I don't supposed she even noticed, but it felt very good. Good luck

[sheenah]

Medz,

people come into your life for seasons and for reasons - this is an ancient saying and very true - sometimes the season can be 20 years, but when it comes to an end, accept the end gracefully. Marriages are the same, sometimes you have done what you came to do together and it is time to move on to the next adventure (or next husband in my case)!! Let this go and focus on getting yourself well XX

[Medz in reply to sheenah]

I do agree ...the only difference is that in my opinion and experience there doesn't have to be a specific end to a friendship as in a relationship. You have the option of always being friends....even in the unlikely event you never see each other again. I like the fact I have friends who we have been in more contact at times and less at others....we sway in and out but would always be there for one another. This is more for long friendships though. I feel that relationships of any kind are beneficial to our health and self worth when they are supportive and balanced....I am torn only because as my therapist tells me I am a good person. Thanks

Medz

[Medz in reply to Medz]

I have now changed my mind... some friendships end badly too....I had just never experienced it before.

X

[Hidden]

I think all of us at one time or another realise that a friendship is very one-sided. And sometimes, that's ok. Sometimes we get enough out of that relationship for it not to matter. For example, the friend in question might be brilliant at working out what clothes look good on you, or knows how to arrange a fund-raising event - but isn't so good at being there when you're sick, or when your marriage is in trouble. Some people are frankly awful at being supportive in deeply personal situations.

The fact that they're awful at being supportive isn't your fault, though. It's just the way they're wired. It's not anything you did or didn't do, so you can't--mustn't--think that way. It kind of does sound like Jean is aware of her actions on your feelings though - leaving you behind because you were five minutes late certainly points that way. If she really is behaving that way deliberately, then sadly, she's behaving like a playground bully and you don't need her friendship in your life. If such behaviour isn't deliberate, that's different. Have you ever let her know that she's hurt you with her inconsiderate actions? If so, what happened next?

[Medz in reply to Hidden]

Yes I have let her know but she waves it off pah....it is of course my imagination and me being silly. She laughs a lot and doesn't listen its more of a naive little girl giggle that hides a host of things...men want to protect her and compliment her....she has been married 4 times!!! I know there has been more to our friendship in the past we are both quite arty and have done classes together....but it has always been me in the teaching role and helping her with her work....although this has been complimentary as she enjoys being taught and Ilove being in the role of pulling someones best from them.

You made me laugh with your comparisons... yes clothes and fundraising would be right up her street....but only on her...andwith her at centre stage. She is rather useless with illness as when I had a breakdown a few years ago I never saw her....she told me she would be in touch when I was better. I am forgiving and thought maybe it would have been too upsetting for her to deal with.

I booked us a holiday in monets france a couple of years ago....it was as if I had gone as her aide not as a friend. It was ....oh I don't know how to.....or I have never done.... I ended up texting her husband pretending to be her...and paying in restaurants because she is never going to get used to blah blah.

Some things made me laugh ...I had to use a cash machine...ho ho ho she laughed I wouldn't know how to use one of them. I felt sorry for her but realised it was me she pitied. She will never do anything she doesn't have to.

Pah....Perhaps she has taught me something...to wave it away......and just get on with my own stuff.

[Hidden in reply to Medz]

Hi Medz just out of interest what kind of age group is Jean?

[Medz in reply to Hidden]

Hi she is now 76 and I am 55

[Eelaines]

Hi Medz, it's fine to let go. New friends will come into your life. There's a universe of love out there (cheesy but true!).

Sending hugs and hope you feel much better soon. X

[Medz in reply to Eelaines]

Thank you. Its really funny but a friend I had not seen for ages...had met my daughter in an art show...she was surprised at how grown up my daughter was ....she is 21. She immediately text me saying how time flies and we need a catch up and offered anything she can do to help out while I am not well. I told her that sounded a good idea....but will like to wait until I am feeling more myself. She has text again to say she is there if I need anything.

The reason we haven't been in touch recently is because things happen in your life that whisks you along and before you realise lots of time has passed. Because she is a confident and trusting person she hasn't read my lack of communication as I don't want to bother. Just time flies!

I think I am clinging on to a friendship that is very onesided with Jean and maybe it has something to do with losing my best,best friend a few years ago. This contact with another friend makes me realise that is what I want in a friendship trust that you canstill be friends no matter how much time passes and what life throws at you.

Xxx

[Hidden]

When you are poorly, the friends that care for you,are the ones who ring up, send flowers,call around,etc etc.

Your friend Jean, is manipulative, a very subtle lady, she plays mind games with you, she is poison to your spirit.

She is a drain on your system, she takes and takes but doesn't reciprocate.

Why trouble yourself about Jean, she is not caring about you, but you are stressing yourself about her.

Your body needs you to be unstressed,so you can cope with getting well.

In other words you are focusing on her, not yourself, and you are the most important person here, yes, you Medz.

Look after you,become a best friend to yourself first.

Manukia xx

[glo42]

Medz, I agree with Sheenah that friends come into our lives for a "season , a reason or a lifetime".... Google this and it will explain things so much better than I can.

I know a little of what you have experienced over the years with your one-sided "friendship" with Jean, because I have been through a very similar situation for over 25 years with someone that I considered to be my friend until I needed help through illness and she was just as demanding and manipulative as always which upset me deeply at first BUT I backed off and she has walked away from me.

At first I was hurt and felt abandoned but now I realize that she actually has done me a favour and that she never was a true friend and only used me for her own selfish ways.

Move on and ignore Jean because you are worth better than her and your time and energy should be spent focusing on your own needs. This is my own personal view and I now don't miss this person at all but I know she will soon have clung on to some other softie who will gladly carry her around with no sharing or support coming from her.

I feel free from her manipulative ways and I hope you can back-off from Jean and live life your own way and be happy. Be good to yourself, I send big hugs to you today. xx

[Medz]

Oh this made me laugh.....

[Medz]

To everyone I have read and felt supported and enjoyed some of your insights and stories. It has also made me look at myself as a friend what sort of friend am I or want to be?

It stopped me picking up the phone and as I am on the passive side....my head says...who do you think you are?.....and my mouth goes...hello Let's stay friends.

I am not going to call her....and once I have gone through all the reasons I am not staying friends in my head....because I have to...then I am going to forget.

When I met Jean my daughter was 2 and hated her....I was surprised how she was so cross with me for liking her when she hated the way jean spoke to her and treated her.

Its funny really but now I am seeing it more and more from my daughters point of view.

Other of my friends adored my daughter and gave her the limelight and spoilt her rotten...Jean on the otherhand wanted the limelight and ignored her.

When Mel got older jean used to tell little tales on her and tell me how to correct her and punish her. Luckily I love my daughter more.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart

Xxx

[Trixie64]

"A friend in need is a friend indeed." I've found that true friends are few & far between and have recently been very hurt by a lifelong friend who has refused to help me in a personal matter, because "it's not her policy to get involved in other people's family problems" although she knows how unhappy that problem has made me and could help if she wanted because she knows the family members quite well.

I would never have said that to her; my motto has always been "Do as you would be done by". Seemingly it's not hers.

Newer friends have been more supportive, and I've recently found a couple of previously unknown relatives, with whom I have a good rapport, so there's hope.

All the best. Trixie