Has anyone found their friendships have changed due to your stomach conditions?

[Flower_2501]

I’ve recently lost a lot of friends because they just don’t understand I’m limited to what I can eat/drink and when I’ve got to cancel plans because I’m so unwell they just don’t understand and it’s ruined a lot of friendships.

[Maureen1958]

They aren't real friends then, if they were genuine that would hang around. See if you can keep hold of just two or three, who are more understanding. I don't understand people myself. Most people (without IBS of course) have loads of friends so why can't they have just one friend who can't do all the things their other friends can. It would be different but you could still enjoy yourselves.

[Flower_2501 in reply to Maureen1958]

Thank you, it’s pretty sad to say I’ve realised and seen how selfish and narrow minded people can be in the last year or so. But I guess as you say, it’s the small circle of true friends that count the most

[Linley]

Yes, when I was much younger in senior school my "best friends" at the time were twins both did not try to understand my situation, 10 years later when I reconnected with one twin, she actually apologised to me and said she now understands as she has tum probs. My two true friends understand and accept me. Agree with Maureen find a couple of true friends 😉

[Flower_2501 in reply to Linley]

It’s always the way that people don’t understand until they’ve been through it themselves hey!

[Katie98]

I found that some of my university friends were always fine with me if I felt well and I was there for everything they wanted to do. But if I didn't feel well and didn't want to go somewhere or if I had to limit the amount of plans I could commit to without overdoing it, they didn't like that. They wanted me to be available for everything and anything. I ran myself ragged trying to please them and keep up. I'd starve myself so I could do things. I'd be so incredibly tired and still do my best. And they never appreciated it.

They didn't understand that I had months at a time where I couldn't do anything at all and they didn't like it if I wanted to stay in or even see other friends. They could be incredibly nasty if I had to cancel a plan.

I can't eat out or drink and I'd still make myself go to places and just watch kind of being on the sidelines. They didn't understand how hard it was.

They didn't understand the amount of preparation that went into me being able to fulfill plans. It was very much a case of "Yeah but you came with us last night what's the difference tonight?". They didn't understand that everyday is different. These friendships damaged my mental health and physical health and I think a lot of the stress they caused a few flare ups.

The truth is unless it happens to them they will never, ever understand what its like to be in your shoes. You will find good friends that do try to understand but I think IBS/IBD can be an incredibly isolating thing to live with. But there will be people that really try to understand you.

I had friends in high school that I had IBD before I had colitis myself. I never made them feel guilty about missing plans and I wasn't anything like my university friends were to me but I always thought that because they're on medication and they're eating right they must have been exaggerating how bad it was. I didn't appreciate what they could do enough. They were seeing a doctor and I was naive back then because I thought that meant problem solved.It was only when I got colitis myself that I understood that it wasn't that simple. I was used to problems that could be solved with a tablet and I understand now that IBS/IBD is much more complicated and it effects every aspect of your life.

Healthy people take a lot for granted and they're guilty of taking other people for granted too. But despite your illness, you're still you. You're more than enough and if those "friends" don't appreciate you then it's not your loss, its theirs. You'll get through this without them and trust me when I say don't waste your "healthy" moments on people that aren't there for you in your "unhealthy" moments. Because you'll regret wasting time on people who couldn't wait for you.

Do what makes you happy and don't try to please anyone else. If they were in your shoes they'd put themselves first. Don't stress about losing people that aren't really there. Without their pressure you might actually feel better and if you find there's a gap where they used to be then fill it with things and people that actually make you happy.

Good luck x

[Flower_2501 in reply to Katie98]

Hi Katie,

Your situation at Uni sounds exactly the same as what I’ve been through with my circle of friends, they just don’t understand ‘everyday is different’. Sometimes as you say, you’re ‘ok-ish’ and you force yourself to join friends with plans as you know deep down they won’t be happy if you don’t go and then the next day, you just physically and mentally cannot go! And they literally cannot understand it at all. I’ve got to the stage now, I’m fed up of being moaned at, indirect comments, being made to feel wherever we plan to go is always complicated as a lot of places I can’t eat. Plus I can’t drink alcohol and eat food at the same time. So they want to go for a meal and drinks and they basically question me as to why can’t you drink alcohol and eat food and sometimes I just want to scream in frustration as they’ve asked so many times and I don’t know myself why my body won’t let me. But if I do, that’s a weeks worth of pain.

Also, people can’t understand if I’m unwell on a Wednesday, I’m still the same on the Saturday. My flare ups can last a week or more, and by the end of it, I’m absolutely wiped, to the point I’m exhausted. I work full time as a manager, I run a team of 10 everyday and we do work long days Monday to Friday. So the majority of my energy goes to my career. Then my spare time is to recover in a way!

The pressure has definitely made my mental state worse, my anxiety goes through the roof and yeah I do admit I’m more isolated but actually without their pressure, I am happier? I’ve found love in just my own interests now. I love the outdoors (when I’m not in flare ups), and I enjoy podcasts now, I’ve really got into listening to them and I can’t switch off.

Thank you for sharing your experience with me. It has been really beneficial to know I am not alone in all of this! X

[Flower_2501]

Ah I’m exactly the same, I can drink but only to a certain limit or my stomach can turn from ok to bad in a matter of 20 minutes and I’ve got to go home and then all night and the next night I’ll be so unwell. I’ve had people say before ‘Oh that’s just normal after a night on the drink to have an upset morning poo’! Erm no, that’s really not quite the same, plus it’s not a full night of drinking it can be half a glass too much and it will change! Like maybe 2-3 drinks, not 10!

Wow your experiences sound so upsetting too and I can completely understand how you’ve felt over the years - it’s so intimidating when people pressure you too. For a while now, I’ve felt like I don’t actually fit in my social circle anymore. Why do people have to judge based upon food and drink? Why can’t we be friends by watching a film and just a pj day! It just always seems to be on other people’s terms. I would never make someone feel bad for cancelling plans, if you’re unwell you are unwell. I remember at Christmas I had to cancel all my plans as I had stomach ulcers and my intolerances were at the prime of getting worse! I couldn’t get off the toilet, I’d need to be at home. And my friends got so annoyed I didn’t want to go for dinner and just said well why can’t you just come for an hour? It’s not the point if it’s 10 minutes or 2 hours, the fact is I’d be having to use a public toilet with an upset stomach and I’d be so embarrassed! Without too much detail here, I’m sure you can relate but having an upset stomach isn’t exactly a quiet or smell free moment! So I don’t really want to be that way out in a bar or somewhere to eat.

I couldn’t agree more with you, it is a weight off my shoulders to just be without people’s guilt and pressures. It consumes you so much. I have always said to my friends ‘don’t you think I’m gutted to cancel too? I do like seeing my friends’. They just don’t understand we are the ones who miss out. We don’t have the freedom they do!

It’s been so nice to hear your stories so thank you x

[Viklou]

Pretty much the same for me. I have very little energy to spare and it's easier not to go out for a meal. I do have a small number of friends who accept me and my condition for who I am and the problems I have. They're very special people. Others have just stopped asking me now.

I work full time and love my job, plus I can make it work for me as far as diary planning goes. I can change some things last minute others I deal with even if in a flare. I've often had to leave meetings midway through to use the bathroom. "It's take a break time folks". I've soiled myself several times, thankfully not while on site it usually gets me on the way home, I now carry a bucket and everything I need in the car for moments like these. I've been stuck in traffic, had to pull over and throw up as felt so sick.

Then if it's not the gut pain and diarrhea causing and issue, it's the other stuff. It seems IBS throws curve balls occasionally, like joint issues and mouth ulcers, the gift that keeps giving.

IBS is largely down to diet and stress in one form or another. I'm thankful for the good days and take time out for when it's bad.

Using public rest rooms isn't pleasant but sometimes necessary. It's awful when someone comes in and you try and stop the inevitable but there's no way. I remember once using a loo in a super market. Some people came in so I tried to hold off what was happening. Omg I thought I was going to explode and I did. You should of heard the comments they made. I apologised out loud and said sadly I have to live with this and behind closed cubicle doors a conversation took place which made them realise that people have issues and we actually all had a bit of a laugh about it. While i realise not everyone can deal with the issue this way, it does help to talk about it and plus behind a cubicle door they have no idea what you look like xxx

Your friends are not true friends if they don't realise why you have to say no. It seems they're very selfish in their attitude. You don't need friends like that. Friendship should be those who can support you no matter what, not what club are we going to.

[Flower_2501 in reply to Viklou]

Hi Viklou

I can’t believe someone has actually had the same experiences as me, I’ve found it so hard at times to feel the upset and embarrassment of soiling myself! Many days I’ve had to go home and get washed and changed. How do you truly explain that to people? It’s so hard isn’t it for people to actually realise what we go through. And yes if it’s not the IBS pain, it’s the sickness, the migraines, the mouth ulcers from the acidic stomach are so painful. And then naturally after a lot of flare ups in a short amount of time, just getting run down in general.

I’m sorry to hear people have stopped asking you, I’ve had that a lot too. It’s because they hear the same answers, but we can’t help that can we? I’m pleased you’ve got a few friends who really do accept you.

I am becoming more like that now, just open and honest and try to make light of the situation. I’m not as shy as I used too be that’s for sure. I’m pleased at that moment in time people were kind to you. It’s nice to hear the worlds still full of actually genuine people!

I can’t believe how selfish I’ve realised my social circle is! I’m baffled I’ve never seen them in that light before but I guess I’m not very fun for them anymore so it doesn’t suit their needs. But I’m happier now to be honest without them. Of course I’m sad at times when I think of it but the pressure used to mentally make me struggle so much. X

[Viklou in reply to Flower_2501]

As you get older you realise more what's important. Fake friends don't care about you or how you feel. Sometimes it's the ones that don't say much at all you can appreciate because they will drop everything when they can to help you

[Hidden]

I have friends and friends. The first lot of friends are there because of what I can do for them and the second group, very small group are there because they care. Between the second group of us we will do what ever we can for each other no questions. Those I can count on when I need them and I make the effort for them in return. I discovered years ago the ones that bother to contact me regularly are the ones I can rely on. The rest I stop contacting them after the first few calls and wait to see if they contact me. If not there's an answer.

Means I have a very small tight selection of friends and few groupies. Can't be bothered with superficial people. Worrying about them isn't going to help your IBS either!

[Flower_2501 in reply to Hidden]

That’s so true! Worrying about them isn’t going to make my life easier or less painful hey! Thank you for sharing with me that you understand this too. I’m really pleased we can say we have atleast a few special people who we can rely on

[Hidden in reply to Flower_2501]

Sadly as time goes by I have fewer and fewer friends. Some die, some move away and some just fall out of touch. That's life I guess. The hardest part of a lot of health problems is that they are not detectable outwardly. The fact that you have horrendous health issues to cope with isn't apparent to most people. You look good therefore you must be good!

I have given up trying to explain myself to friends and acquaintances and just retort when asked how I am, dying. Aren't we all!

[grandylynda]

They can't have been very good friends then. Life isn't easy but I think that to some extent you need to come to terms with your limitations yourself and then you get to negotiate more easily as to what you can do that suits everyone. That's what I found anyway

[Flower_2501 in reply to grandylynda]

Thank you! Very wise words. I’m coming to

Terms with it more now and finding me things that make me happy working around how my health is on those days. But yes you’re right, sadly they can’t of been the true friends I once upon a time thought they were. X

[grandylynda in reply to Flower_2501]

Well, you are not alone. I had my 1st real accident for ages today when out walking with my son. Ble.ss him he went to tesco with me, nearest loos, and bought me a cheap pair of trousers while I got sorted in disabled loo!

Am still working out what may have triggered it.

Good luck for future x

[MariaSt]

I had two friends who thought that I am depressed, not sick with my stomach. They don’t call me anymore, as if the supposed depression was contagious. Only someone with the same problem as we have can fully understand what it is about.

[Flower_2501 in reply to MariaSt]

I’ve always said to people, I don’t expect them to understand as naturally of course they can’t unless they experience it. But I did really believe people were a little more open minded and kind to others than what I’ve learnt! And by the sounds of it, you’ve experienced the same. And so what if you did/do have depression? I’ve suffered it myself along the way with my health. It comes hand in hand. Mental health is the same as physical health and a friend wouldn’t turn their back if you’d broken a leg? But they do because of depression. That’s so so wrong.

[MariaSt in reply to Flower_2501]

Exactly my thoughts. My symptoms make me depressed, so what, it’s only natural. If I wasn’t depressed about my loosing weight, pain and nausea, that would be abnormal. And friends are supposed to care about you.

[Flower_2501 in reply to MariaSt]

Some people really don’t know what hard times are! And that’s why they’ve never faced an inch of depression and most likely won’t. I wish people weren’t so narrow minded!

[Iggls]

I have the greatest sympathy with those of who unlucky enough to develop this awful condition early in life. I’m now 77, retired and a proud grandmother of 6.. but only in the last few years has the condition become really painful and disabling. I have IBS C, am on masses of medication and follow the Fodmap diet to the letter, but nothing much helps for long. I’ve tried antidepressants but hated the side effects, have spent a fortune on private medicine, hypnotherapy, etc...occasional improvement but only temporary.

I have lost some friends but not the best and oldest...what hurts most is not being invited to family meals with my children...as it’s far too complicated and a bad example to the grandchildren. They clearly fail to understand the effect of eating the wrong foods...or not having the right ones. They are convinced that an operation would be the answer...then I could live a normal life ! Luckily the doctors disagree .

As other people have said, worthwhile friends will stay with you! Meanwhile, I try to dress nicely, never forget the vital makeup and put a brave face on it all..

Iggles

[MariaSt in reply to Iggls]

I assume that this kind of behavior of your own children hurts much more than the mistreatment of any friend. I am sorry you have to deal with this. As if our health problems weren’t enough, we sometimes feel like a burden to our family.

[Flower_2501 in reply to MariaSt]

Feeling a burden is an unbelievable pressure that we should not have to face. I wouldn’t wish my health on anyone but If only people could just have a few minute experience of the life we all face, I believe it would all so much easier.

[Flower_2501 in reply to Iggls]

I’ve been suffering since I was 21 and I’m now 27. It’s been the last 18 months that have been the most life changing and it did get so much worse before it gets better. But I have to be unbelievably strict and the smallest thing even a tiny bit of salt or seasoning can send me into a week or two flare up.

I’m so shocked to hear this! It’s sad to say we can’t chose our families. How can your health have anything to do with the example you set to your grandchildren. I’d say you’re more of an inspiration in my eyes considering the health troubles you face but you can show them how strong a person that takes to smile through the pain!

A splash of lipstick is my daily trick to show the world I’ll fight through this! Well done to you, you sound so strong!