So here goes it isn't short and its far from over, but its the start...

[dancing_94]

So,

Here i am writing a blog about me and the part of me i hate most ED, more specifically server bulimia with anorexic tendencies still not yet officially diagnosed but i don't need a DR to tell me i am bulimic!! thats the one diagnosis i dont need to be done by the psychologist i can easily confirm that it is a real problem. i have for the past 8months been seeing a psyotherapist who doesn't really seem to have helped me much as i couldn't talk to him up until a couple of weeks ago about my food issues or the bulimia that developed about a month in to my treatment! so it is i think fair for me to ponder just how effective he is but i must stick with him now because a 'relationship' has been formed or that is what the tavistock said when i went there for a referral i asked for from my GP!

They also more suprisingly said they wouldn't offer me CBT or not now at least this was a shame as i had some how imagined CBT to be this miracle cure for Bulimia but as they explained unitll you tackle the underlying causes the emotional triggers then CBT won't be as effective because it doesn't go very deep like psychotherapy does!

I have had full blown bulimia for about 8 months now though i have had an eating disorder of sorts for the past three years.

I guess, as it is for many, its hard to pin down the exact start of my problems with food. I am certain though that the escalation into full blown bulimia came as a combination of underlying mental health problems that are still yet to be officially diagnosed but look likely to be either ADHD, bi polar or other mood disorders, high achieving aspergers or autism or some sort of combination. I already have dyslexia which is a spectrum disorder and it is quite bad i also have dyscalculia (the maths equivalent!)

I hate how bad things have become i feel extremely isolated and lonely i live a non life life of wandering around in my little bubble afraid of bingeing and purging so avoiding food which in turn means i am more enclined to binge when i eventually eat and then i am desperately trying to get my weight up but the bingeing and purging makes this harder then it would otherwise be!!

I know i can eat well i have in the past i know about a balanced diet i like healthy good foods i know about the good fats the protiens and carbs you need to balance to keep your blood sugar levels steady, yet for some reason it is so hard to put this into place, i feel as though i have become a small child again and must learn from the start.

A re programming of the brain!

and getting rid of the blip that is the bulimia.

I havent begun a proper recovery program although i told my GP i was bulimic in december!

i have had bloods done to check i am not critical and they were all good so that was relief i am having them done again as my weight has dropped recently and so they may have changed this concerns me i just want to be well.

I miss being happy most of all i miss loving life and i have forgotten what i used to enjoy.

I feel like i am some sort of zombie just moping about a waste of space and resources that so many would do anything for.

I am hopeful that i can recover and that i can get back my life but there are times when i am doubtful and i question if recovery is worthwhile infact if i am completely honest some times i lie in bed and i think that if i didn't wake up maybe it would be better because i spend so much time fighting with my mum we have never had a relationship i feel as though she is a stranger i don't know her i never have and she doesn't know me although she likes to think she knows me better then i know myself but she is wrong.

I have always wanted nothing more then a mum.

I have told her this many times but she just shouts at me and says that i am being horrible and have decided to take all my anger out on her and decided she is a failure and that nothing she says can change that, she is wrong.

I just wanted nothing more then to be good enough for her all my life i tried to prove i was good i was the perfect student at school brining home heaps of cerifiates never getting in trouble working hard getting the best grades i could remember i do have learning difficulties with maths and literacy spelling mostly now a days and reading.

But when i got home i was always the bad kid. I was the failure the reason why our family was falling apart often yelled at me by an destraute mum during a row the i was going to give my dad a heart attach my lovely dad my kind compassionate father who i love so deeply and honestly wish i could be more like. I have a great bond with him i have always however it has also put strain on his marriage because my mum felt i was manipulating things making him the good cop her the bad and that by doing so i was trying to split them up. this was not true!

however close i am to my dad i wish it were the other way round i so long for that motherly maternal relationship and being the oldest of four siblings its tough being the disaster the failure.

I feel such guilt for all i have done in the past and now with the ED that cause all my family pain seeing me self harm and waste away and at the same time its my protest my cry for help for my mum to notice that i am hurting and she notices theres a problem but she doesn't react how i wish

and so now i have myself trapped in the web that i can not get free from and i am scared and lonely and sad and the world around me has become dead, i don't feel like i used to nothing excites me in the same way i am so tired as i don't sleep properly and eat properly and i have had enough i am fighting a war i cannot win and i don't know if i want to recover if the fight can not be won because what is life without family if you fail your family then surely thats the ultimate failure they raise you they are the people who teach you about the world who are there when you cry who kiss you when you bang your knee who laugh when you joke and who smile when you take your first steps

if you can not grow up in to a mature adult and you can't separate front them then you have let them down and thats how i feel like a let down.

wanting some sun in my life wanting to feel some hope looking for answers but lost in a hazy storm.

All this