I’m really, genuinely terrified of what’s happening in my head right now

[Running-girl16]

Over lockdown 1 I was okayish because I was happy but my restricting came beck for the first time in a couple years at full tilt and went down to 98lb which I hate to say I genuinely loved but I’m an athlete and I’m not stupid and I 10000% love running more that eating 800cals a day and making myself throw up

So in September I started to eat more again and I put on five pounds which I was okay with because I was at training so was surrounded with positive vibes plus it wasn’t that visible but then since Christmas (which made me feel really crap I’m not sure why) I’ve felt so alone/out of my depth/generally sad and I’ve been binging and throwing up more often not to mention my motivation for training has plummeted.

I had some blood tests which came back clear so my gp basically told me I needed to stop running (no one knows about my relationship w food) which really pissed me off and now I don’t want to talk to anyone bcoz I’m scared they’ll make me stop running. Also my mum works at my gp surgery so I don’t feel comfortable telling anyone about my mental health

I feel like my entire life is just a facade of me making myself seem like I’m put together and okay all the time and I’m just so sick and tired of hating myself. Most of all I’m sick of being so confused about what to do, I want to be strong and healthy and love myself and I want to be HAPPY but at the same time my first go to thought is how I’m not good enough or how I can see my underarm podge or my inner thighs.

I’m so scared to tell people because I think they won’t believe me because it’s not the me that they know, or that they’ll be angry or simply because I don’t want to look weak and out of control which is essentially what I’ve strived to avoid my entire like

Not to mention we have a family relative whose daughter is anorexic and the way my parents talk about her makes me TERRIFIED

I know this is a really long post I’m sorry and I hope I don’t seem attention seeking.

Thankyou xx

[Hidden]

First thing... you are good enough just because you are you.

Secondly, the binge-purge cycle (whether it is by vomiting or exercise) comes from restriction. Your body does not have the fuel it needs, therefore it is telling you to eat, craving the binge.

Blood tests can sometimes look normal for a long time, even though a mental illness is taking hold. It sounds like you have an eating disorder and that is a mental illness with physical ramifications. It also sounds like you are scared.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Please know that you can recover. Please do not delay your recovery. Reach out to those you love and ask for help. There are professionals that can help you.

I also found it helpful, during the initial stages of recovery, to watch pro-recovery you tube videos. I would recommend Tabitha Farrar and Megsy Recovery. These can be motivational and helpful.

I hope this helps - you can do it - be gentle with yourself.

[crazycrossstitcher]

You really do need to seek some help - I know its hard to "come out" about your ED but that really is the only way to get out of the vicious cycle. It must be hard with your mum at the surgery - but your GP is bound by confidentiality - so do please talk to them about your struggles. Admitting to having the ED is not a weak statement - it takes great courage - so do please get to the GP and ask for help.

[soulrevival]

Hey! Reading your post is like reading my exact life story. I have also been an athlete from a young age, starting swimming training at the age of 8 and then spent the rest of my childhood feeling fat in a swimming costume after being told I needed to lose weight. I run, have done triathlons etc etc. I can 100% empathise with the projection of being fine and happy and healthy, which is so much easier to mask over when you're known as the sporty one by all your family and friends. Little did anyone know that I was battling with anorexia, purging and self hatred all my life. The facade you mention that you have created is for self protection, but it is also a key part of an eating disorder and in my experience it's that ED voice that is telling you to keep it secret. I would really encourage you to confide in someone about how you're feeling. I understand that the situation with your doctor and your mum working there is complicated but Dr's have to keep things 100% confidential so please consider opening up to your GP about your mental health. I am now 40 and still haven't told my parents about my 22 year struggle, so I know its not easy. For the first time in my life I am going to the GP this week. Its scary but if you really want recovery (which is also a scary prospect) then seeking the right type of help is so essential. Have you thought about reaching out to a charity? Well done for being open about it on here. It has really helped me to find a community of people who understand. You are not alone xx