I've started again

[milkweed1830]

When I was in highschool I was much bigger than I am now. I've always been big but highschool I'd hit my all time high of 187. I'm 5'5" btw. I was losing weight here and there bc your body neutralizes at one point, I mean I was still growing afterall and I was doing sports so yeah, anyways, There was a point when I was around maybe 180 where I just wanted to speed things up and for about a month I would only eat like once a day.at first it was maybe a granola bar a day but once the stomach aches had passed I went easier on myself and made it one meal a day (not inlcuding drinks, it was no more sugary drinks, just water). I got to 165 in about a month and I was so proud of myself. I had wanted to keep going but I had lost my rhythm so I had decided to then at least keep my weight steady. Which I had, going from 165 to 169 throughout the day but thats bc water weight and eating and blah blah blah. It would fluctuate but my morning weight was always 165. Anyways, quarantine hit and I had hit 183, my highest in quarantine and also my highest in a long time. I hated myself so much. I couldn't look at myself without itching. I still fit into my jeans but I was squeezing. My arms would burn, my neck would claw at me and whenever I ate i could feel the fat making it's way throughout my body, setting in the areas I'm most insecure about. Well one day I had just not ate that much, not intentional but I took that day as my first day of the diet once again. I've only been eating once a day. As little as possible. I haven't been full in maybe 2/3 weeks now. No more snacks, no bread or tortillas if i can help it, but if I do then that means even less tomorrow and ofc only water. I've created these rules and I'm so proud to say I've been pretty good so far. I went from 180 to 172.8 (weight this morning) in a matter of weeks. I want to excersize maybe to speed it up but I don't want to risk building more muscle and seeing the scale number go up bc I'll lose it. I know I shouldn't be admitting this, I know it's wrong, but I can finally bare to look at myself again. I haven't been bloated in what feels like forever and I'm so proud of myself. I've even trained myself to avoid and resist munchies when I'm high and just drink water to supress the hunger. I haven't felt any negative effects yet, I know I probably will one day but until I do I'm going to keep going. No one has noticed yet. It's been hard but I'm determined.

[milkweed1830]

172 today, goal is 160

[AlyR]

I love your determination to meet your goal! Determination is a powerful tool and one to use through any goal. Though I'm worried about your method. Even if you get a result with this method, it will be difficult to maintain and not great for your mental health either.

Give your body love and give your body fuel!! You need it!! I encourage you to use some of that determination to be good to you body with food that will nourish it! Instead of focusing so much on what to not eat, focus more on what *to* eat. You can do this! Start now and you can develop healthy eating habits for a lifetime.

[katidid in reply to AlyR]

I agree - I’m worried about your method and way of thinking about food. Hyper restriction, rigid rules and penalty for deviation isn’t dieting. As a “recovered”anorexic (you never get over it, even when you’re normal weighted, so not sure why they say recovered...), your approach is very similar to disordered thinking about self/food/size. It sounds like you’ve got it in you to hit a goal and are determined. That attitude applied to healthy eating habits and exercise will get you to where you want to be. It might be slow or fast, but it’s better than heavy restriction and punishment. That’s the part I worry for you about. Don’t go down that rabbit hole. It’s deep, dark and can take over your life. For me, it spread beyond eating and into my whole frame of life. I totally understand wanted to get rid of the weight. But healthy, steady and positive will work and get you to a great place. Don’t try out anorexic techniques, it can invite it in. Anorexia isn’t a diet, it’s a disease. Stay healthy!! If you’re feeling confused about what to eat and what exercise is best for you, you can always get a consult with a nutritionist and a trainer. Even just one session can be really helpful and help carve that path. Best of luck to you. Take care!

[katidid]

Thanks for sharing your story. If it’s ok, I’d like to offer some encouragement regarding exercise. Obviously, it’s good for all of us to exercise in a healthy way. When it comes to your worry about numbers, that’s really common. But, building lean muscle doesn’t mean numbers go up. Muscle uses more calories (fat is just storage) and the size of 1 pound of muscle is much smaller than a pound of fat. With a good combo of exercise and good diet you’re body will ideally burn fat to build muscle but you’re not going to see number jumps on the scale. Extreme body builders use muscle as weight gauge. You shouldn’t. If it helps, just google images of fat vs muscle. It’s pretty enlightening.