Lanugo or Vellus hair?? (Long venting :@)

I used to be a binge eater (from what i can recall), then i got depressed so i ate less and got compliments for looking ‘slimmer’ even though when i was heavier friends were jealous that i could eat however much and still stay the same (i think there’s a medical term for it where your body naturally maintains a given set point no matter how much you eat). So anyways, i tried to lose weight by eating healthier and then just flat out starving myself. It was HORRIBLE. Like 4 years of my life were wasted from that (i didn’t go to friends birthdays because food, didn’t go out because weak and hungry, didnt do anything but wither away). So i didn’t have hair on the sides of my cheeks before binge eating, and i don’t recall having it when i did binge eat, but then when i lost A LOT of weight (weighed 80 or 90 lbs as a 5’ 6” grade 10 girl) i noticed in my pictures i got that lanugo hair on my face. So now its been like 4 years from that point. Pretty sure i effed up my insides (my skin seems to have this yellowish tinge to it, i have digestive issues, and my GP never helped even though he SAW that i was overly thin — he just scared me by saying if you don’t eat im going to give you a pill that makes you eat and gain weight. what an idiot. i WISH he referred me to a clinic that specializes in eating disorders. It’s more than just food nimrod.) i also had and still do have skin issues (bacne now and closed comedones on the face). So many problems, i don’t know what to do. I want to eat more now but i feel like it’s always a new disorder im creeping up with (now im fixated on my body). And by the way i never counted calories through all of this. I would literally just starve myself and ignore hunger cues. I don’t know what normal is anymore. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if i should eat more and more until my weight just stays at the same plateu it should have stayed. Or if i should start counting calories to see if i am eating enough. Is fat the new standard? I also have darker hair on my bum and also im pretty sure my thyroid and just everything is messed up. Ugh. I wish this horrible obsession with food would go away. Sorry for venting but i need thoughts. The hair hasn’t gone away from the sides of my cheek. Should it have fallen out or is it vellus hair? It’s pretty long if you ask me.

[Sophie1234x]

Hi baddieexo first of all I wanna say go see a different GP doctor !! It would be beneficial for you to have your bloods tested. When I went to the GP the first time I was way underweight and my doctor didn’t even weigh me !! But I switched so my new doc recognized what I had and referred me to a clinic. They can refer you to an eating disorder clinic. Your hunger cues are messed up at the moment so try eating 3 meals and 3 snacks and make sure you get at least 3000 calories each day. Your weight should stabilize at your set point . Best of luck X

[Hidden in reply to Sophie1234x]

Thanks Sophie1234x but i have a question, you said you got referred to an ED clinic. What exactly do they even do there? i feel like my anxiety / control issues are making me overthink things and like i get this feeling in my throat that makes me not feel like eating even though my stomach is empty if that makes sense. Has that ever happened to you? i went to the clinic and got blood tests done, now im just waiting to get to a GP who can help. I feel so ashamed talking about my ED. Always hated it and would hide it from everyone until i literally hid myself :/

And also, how do you count calories in home cooked meals? Did you ever do that?

[Sophie1234x in reply to Hidden]

Hi baddieexo so they referred me to a psychiatrist who deals with mental issues like anxiety and eating disorders. I still haven’t had my appointment tho but I’ll let you know what’s it’s like as soon as I go to one.

And yep that’s just nerves messing with your hunger cues. Don’t be ashamed of your Ed. It’s not your fault !!

Also I recommend don’t count calories if it was an Ed behaviour before. It could trigger you into getting obsessed. Maybe try having a parent increase your portion sizes. Eat whatever you want whenever you want and however much you want. If it helps maybe try having a bit of everything in your meals like carbs protein and fat

(eg. rice+chicken curry+veggies or pasta+ham+cheese with a salad).

Sorry this is so long but hope that helps a bit.

[Hidden in reply to Sophie1234x]

I wish you good luck with the psychiatrist appointment.

I never did count calories before i would just eat low calorie foods and a lot of them until i just switched to regular foods but starving myself (my stomach would feel empty). I wish a parent could do that for me. Im 19 and my parents don’t cook ever (haven’t cooked since i was around 13 or 14) and never had regular meals — just take whatever you want when you’re hubgry.

Thank you for the reply.

No one else seems to care unless i reach my low bmi weight again which i do NOT ever want happening again. They think it’s all in my head what im telling them.

[Sophie1234x in reply to Hidden]

How about trying out some easy recipes yourself or encourage them to start cooking a bit more often. It’s important to have filling and nutritious meals in recovery as well as becoming comfortable with snacks. I can totally relate to no one caring unless we look very sickly underweight. A “healthy bmi” can have an eating disorder too just as an overweight person can. Wish society was more educated on eating disorders😔

[Jenn99cat]

morning! I am three years into "recovery" After 20 years of all kind of self punishment to the body. Isn't it funny, yet not funny at all, what we will do to our bodies just to look a certain way and to feel control over our lives? Even though it does nothing but throw everything way out of whack and waste years of ones life? I feel the same way you do. I do believe your issues are issues of the body trying to heal itself, and hormones being thrown way off, and not fully sure on what to do to correct it. I was 13 when i started this journey, so apart of me knows that that was a crucial time when the body was changing tremendously physically, mentally and emotionally. And going head first unintentionally into disordered eating and exercising was not the way to go. So when i finally decided i was done with that way of life, twenty years later, the body has now grown into a body i don't even recognize. And why should it? I feel like a 13 year old stuck in a 38 year old body. Experiencing all the hormonal teenager ups and downs all over again. But it is a good thing, because that means growth is happening. All i can say is to keep eating.Don't count calories, no matter how much you may want to. Have to let go of the control before you can eat like you remember eating before. I always say to my kids, the worse thing they could ever do is to eat less than what their bodies are asking for. Look at food as vitamins and minerals. Because the body can still starve without them and unable to truly heal. EAt like you are worth it. Each day that goes by, is another day of healing. I did not go to a doctor or do any kind of therapy, because that would just cause me more anxiety than i want to feel. My main way is to be inituitive, to listen to the body. Sleep when i want to sleep, exercise when i want to exercise, and eat when i want to eat. And slowly, the brain will release it's control over you. There will be days that that i miss the way i use to look, even if it was an illusion, and took so much suffering to look like that, and than days i am so elated that i no longer live that way of life anymore and appreciate the body that i am in. Anyways, i hope this made sense.lol. And I wish you more than luck. I wish you peace.

[Hidden in reply to Jenn99cat]

Oh wow that is heartbreaking to hear. When you say your body went through the teenager things now, what do you mean?! Did you get any acne or anything like that? And did your body just plateau at a certain weight when you ate intuitively?

Thank you. I wish everone in this community could find peace and be healed for good.