Guilty for saying yes

[Paige1010]

Hi guys, I was hoping for some guidance on recovery. I have just began my recovery and have started on a small meal plan whilst in hospital and I have this feeling every time I’m eating especially when alone that people with think I’m faking And I shouldn’t be eating and I should just refuse food completely. However I really want to recover and gain weight and get healthy and strong again so I am saying yes to the foods the provide with the meal plan but it feels so wrong to say that. Has anyone had experience like this before or felt this way? It makes me feel like I don’t have a problem and I have been lying to people cause I’m willing to recover now, any thoughts?

[Sammy987]

hi Paige do you mind me asking how old you are xx

[Paige1010 in reply to Sammy987]

18 xx

[Ginster72]

Hi Paige, I would say if you are able to stick to a meal plan and eat then do so. It is what is best for you and the only way to stay in recovery. I am a mother of a daughter who is suffering from anorexia and won't/can't eat and I long for her to be able for her to do so. I think people will be pleased for you that you are getting better rather than think you have been lying to them.

Stick with it. Everybody deserves to be free of this horrific illness.

All the best for your recovery and enjoying life again.

[Agora1 in reply to Ginster72]

Ginster72, I too am a mother of an anorexic daughter and only wish that she would get the help that Paige has. My thoughts are with you and your daughter on this difficult journey. xx

[Ginster72 in reply to Agora1]

Thank you Agora1. My daughter was admitted to hospital for inpatient treatment again for the third time yesterday. It is such a vile illness.

My thoughts are also with you and your daughter on your journey. Stay strong and keep fighting. Xx

[Agora1 in reply to Ginster72]

Ginster72, I wish your daughter well with the program. I'm here if you need a shoulder. PM me anytime. xx

[Ginster72 in reply to Agora1]

Thank you. I am new to this site and still working out how to use it. X

[Paige1010 in reply to Agora1]

It took for me to reach such a low level of health that it became fatal, I would suggest you push as hard as you can before it reaches that point, hope she is okay xxx

[Agora1 in reply to Paige1010]

Thank you Paige1010, sending you love. xx

[23me in reply to Ginster72]

Oh im so sorry to read this!! Ive suffered for years.. 5 years i gained weight to normal with the help of a hospital admission focus like paige -above - sadly due life 2years ago life threw a curve ball and my annorexia reared its head! Im now longing to regain- but the mental health team wont support me.. and no admission possibilities.. if there was i would jump at chance..i really hope ur daughter realises - this illness is torture and its ruined much of my adult life! My thoughts are with u and other parents who have to struggle seeing a loved one battling with this awful ilness! Xx

[Ginster72 in reply to 23me]

Sorry to hear you are struggling again with no help. You must try and stay strong and fight this awful illness - you deserve to be free and live a happy, healthy life. Do you have any support from anyone - family or friends? Feel free to message me and I will be willing to help in anyway I can. Why won't the mental health team help you and why is there no chance of hospital admission.

This is my daughters third admission. She only came out of the last hospital admission a month ago. They got her back up to a healthy weight but didn't get the right therapy to help her mentally, so when she came out she lost all the weight she had put on. Now she is 18 she is refusing to let the hospital tell me anything and is shutting me out, which I find very hard. Xx

[23me in reply to Ginster72]

Firstly I live in the south west and mental health is limited but in regards to ed services there is about three people who cover the whole county- it’s become worse than ever..sadly when I came out the professional lady of the ed department retired and they have not had anyone close to the proffesionalism she had.. and because of this lack of understanding and knowledge everyone with this illness has suffered! And because resources are extremely sparse...😤 in my case they keep saying it’s a symptom of other life events- can’t disagree it’s well known that anorexia etc is coping mechanism... but they mental health won’t help with specialist help! The comments from dr and them is sort out my personal life battles and history and everything will be fine. And I’ve got the skills to regain alone.. 😳😳dr even said “ hospital is not real life, u have to do this urself, 😣😣 even though I’m struggling.. I’ve had for over 20 years I have a lot of knowledge.. that’s true.. I even campaigned and did a conference or two to try and better help for other sufferers - thing is obviously I’m here - so and although I know things the control and fear over rides my recovery which is y I know I need extra input.. with regards to friends this illness takes over I have become very introvert apart from my few hours I work in a shop.. that’s exhausting but is good distraction.. I know my mind is suffering nutritionally like my body which is y I think I need ed support to regain to tackle the other stuff! The profs are not listening! Every day I think I’ll try but there is always something to deal with.. plus I am scared because in the evening I loose control and then I panic feeling greedy.. so this behaviour reinforces I will not be able to stop if I ate more?? Vicious circle, 😖😫 as for parents whom I still live with.. very sad at my age.. my father is clueless and mother like u wants me happy and well and I have a lack of trust plus she is oblivious to calories and portion sizes so she hears my battles but stands on sidelines.. I’n the past I’ve shut her out I love her truly.. but I didn’t want her to have any input .. because then it felt like she was taking away my life choices because I am a pleaser.. so her tone of voice and comments can quite simply rule the way I behave.. no they her doing but my eagerness to impress to be the daughter she wanted.. that’s my past experience of family.. after being in the last time I spent much time with others listening to their experiences all different.. but I realised family are too close to help we don’t want to tell u the real suffering- so please please don’t let ur daughters behaviour cut u up! I’m sure u do.. but if she lets u just hug her when u see the struggles and let her know when she needs u, you will be there.. say she’s old enough to make her own decisions and if she needs any help ideas or advice then come to u, but reassure her 5hat you will not give any opinions on the ways.. this will be really hard.. but I can garuntee that that will end up in fights.. or heated debates defo happened in my house..

with regards to after care it’s appaulling and a real let down..had I had support when I went through the curveball which set me back.. I would still be healthy.. it took over a year to get mental health people to realise I was spinning out of control.. first assessment I was told to go away I’ve the skills... anyway ginster72 I really hope I’ve not upset u, and thank u so much for ur kind words!!

Xx💐 and here too!

[23me in reply to Ginster72]

Ps I hope all I’ve put makes sense have brain fog and dyslexia does not help!! Lol

[Ginster72 in reply to 23me]

Thanks for your reply. It is good to hear things from the perspective of a sufferer as it helps to understand how you feel. I constantly tell my daughter that I will support her in whatever way she wants me to and I am always here for her when she needs me. I think she knows this as she has come to me and asked to stay with me prior to going into hospital. I don't try and tell her what to do. I have accepted that it is her life and she needs to make her own decisions. (Though I must admit it is extremely hard to sit back and watch this happen without being able to help). However, saying that I know I am helping just by being there. This is the most complex illness I have ever known and my heart goes out to all that suffer from it and their families. It is hard enough for us parents but I can't begin to imagine how hard it is for you tobe battling with it daily. There is no easy way to get better but I hope you stay strong and fight in order to squash the demons. You are worth more than anorexia will lead you to believe.

I too am from the south west. Until my daughter was diagnosed with this awful cruel illness, I didn't have a clue how many people suffer from it. It has amazed me and I have learnt a lot about it over the last couple of years.

[Paige1010 in reply to 23me]

I feel for you with the decline of mental health help, I tried for months to get help and had the door shut in my face multiple times it took for me to be admitted into hospital and told that I have hours to live to actually start recovery by being forced the feeding tube. Yet even in this position there’s no help for the mental health aspect.

[23me in reply to Paige1010]

Oh Paige1010 this is awful.. and I get so frustrated about the whole service.. when I was admitted into an ed unit I spent time with the others.. listening to there fears.. calming them down.. I was like u wanting to regain and I did.. actually the staff would praise me on the support .. wanted to work there.. lol came out of the unit and contacting the mps clinical directors.. I can be very vocal.. trying to express the true emotional physical torture.. I applaud u remember as nutrition improves u will be in a better place to challenge the mental side- in mean time support here. read up about Dbt mindful ness write positive messages list pro and cons. of and don’t be harsh with selfon down days. there there as well and it’s normal! Take step by step minute by minute and at times nano second by nano,

Xx 💐

[MEJones]

Hi Paige1010

You absolutely are doing the right thing!!

The thoughts you are having are really, really normal but they aren’t real, they are your ED trying to convince you not to change. The fact that you can eat but feel the way you do whilst doing it, shows that you are most definitely suffering from an ED & disordered thinking. Weight gain is essential in recovery but after that comes the mental healing and this is just as important, the fact that your trying so hard and sticking to your meal plan is brilliant and a really good first step. If you’re in hospital are you able to speak to the professionals about how you’re feeling at meal times? If it helps you could also keep a thought journal and share this with your team who are supporting you, it can also help you to see days when your anxiety was stronger and days when it wasn’t so bad.

When I recovered I used to just cry sometimes after or while I was eating but I never stopped, it’s a hard hurdle to get over but the stronger you fight back the stronger your own voice becomes and the weaker the ED gets, I know you can’t see it now but as you nourish your body and it starts to trust you again your mental state will start to improve.

Good luck and well done for getting this far, it’s bloody hard and you’ve already jumped those initial hurdles. x x

[Agora1]

Hi Paige1010, I'm so proud of that fact that you are ready and willing to recover now. Don't jeopardize your well being in worrying that others won't think you have a problem. This is about you going forward and recovering.

You've got this Paige, don't let go of something you worked so hard to reach. Your goal is in site. Love & Hugs xx

[23me]

Oh paige bless u and well done please remember everyone in hospital will be at different stages of thier ed! Please please dont let these thoughts interrupt ur own recovery.. had u thought that others who are battling could actually be inspired.. by ur possitive steps! Keep fighting for freedom! X

[Hidden]

Hi Paige, all I can say is keep on doing what your doing and stay strong. Your more than likely to face good days and bad days but remember a bad day doesn't meant a bad life or that you should give up.

It's good your complining with the meal plan and don't worry about wanting to recover just be aware that the illness might be trying to trick you and then when it gets harder more scary you might not feel you can recover but stick with it, you have taken a big step at accepting helping and uprooting your life to spend time in hospital and recover.

Never give up. X

[Prob79]

Don't worry about your sincerity or what others think, stick to that plan like glue, it's your life & future health at stake. Don't throw it away, whatever doubts or objections invade.