Bad day

[mn15]

Called out by work colleagues about my lack of eating so I’m now forcing myself to eat a cut up apple in front of them. It makes me feel sick and I hate it. Eating in front of anyone is so hard.

Today was just awful comments on weight and body shape I just feel horrendous.

[Fluffymum]

Hi mn15,

Poor you. It sounds horrible. People without EDs find it really hard to understand.

On the other hand it sounds to me like your colleagues are really concerned about you. The things they said weren't meant to upset you but to encourage you. If you spoke to them honestly they may be a good support for you rather than an obstacle. I'd explain by asking them to imagine how they would feel if you asked them to eat slugs.

[crazycrossstitcher]

I know how hard it is - my work colleagues knew about my ED - and watched every time I ate or drank anything which just added to my feelings of shame and hurt and lack of self esteem. Have you thought of contacting ABC and getting a befriender - I've found it so helpful and supportive? Do you have any support as it sounds like you need to get some ED support from a professional - do think about this if you are not already in treatment.

[mn15 in reply to crazycrossstitcher]

The doctor has spoken to me about it but they want to tackle the self harm and depression side of things first but again I’m managing that. I’m still not convinced that I need help. Everyone goes through phases of food not being top priority.

[crazycrossstitcher in reply to mn15]

From experience its easy to kid yourself that the food is not an issue - think it would be good for you to really tell your GP what is going on - the self harm, depression and issues around food are all inter-related in my experience so please do push for more help - you may think you are in control and managing - but EDs are very good at persuading you to do nothing!

[mn15 in reply to crazycrossstitcher]

It’s still not an ED because I can eat normally. I can eat a meal if I choose too. It’s just the pressure and the judging of the people I work with. One of the others walked in when I had my cardi off so noticed my arms. So they have taken that to the head. But I don’t want the food to become more of an issue. I just want it all to stop and for them to leave me alone!

[Shamble30]

Hey. I have had similar experiences at work, unfortunately eating is a normality and people will notice if you are regularly skipping lunch. I am lucky to work with a fantastic bunch of people who are genuinely concerned for me and I feel awful lying to them. I usually just eat a chocolate bar at lunch time and say I'm not hungry, or that I'll be eating something properly later. I tell them I've never had a big appetite and I just like to pick. After a while they stopped asking me questions although I still get the odd dig from time to time.

I have confided in one person that I work with. She doesn't question why I do what I do, and will often stand up for me if someone starts talking to me about food or telling me I should eat better.

I don't know what your relationship with your colleagues is like, but if there is anyone you would feel comfortable talking to about your ED it might just take some of the pressure off you. I find secrecy the most difficult part of having an ED, hiding it from the world is by far the hardest thing to do and when you are getting questioned all the time, trying to come up with believable answers on the spot can be exhausting!

I promise you the likelihood is that your colleagues are simply worried about you. They can't understand your disorder and they will never know the level of torture that eating food inflicts on you. I hope you can find your way through this, and ultimately recover when you are feeling brave and ready.

Be strong, try and talk if you feel you can. Everyone struggles with something, you might be surprised xxx

[mn15 in reply to Shamble30]

It’s hard because they don’t get it. I’m the youngest female member of staff and they are all lovely older ladies. Who just wouldn’t get it. There really isn’t anything to get. I just don’t like eating in front of people. Food issues not an ED.

[Shamble30 in reply to mn15]

Could just tell them exactly that, that you prefer to eat alone. Can you get off site and go out at lunch times or anything?

[mn15 in reply to Shamble30]

I’m a primary teacher so not really, I rarely make it to the staff room anyway but I’m the only teacher who doesn’t. Our school encourages teacher stopping and having a lunch time! Which is great, just not for me.

[Shamble30 in reply to mn15]

I understand. Its horrid trying to hide away all the time I feel for you I really do.. Been there myself. I hope you can find a way to manage without getting pestered too much by the other staff. I hate feeling this way too.. its just horrible.