Crash and burn

[mn15]

And it all come crashing down. I’ve been good, maybe too restricted but I need the control I need to feel in control and when I feel I’m loosing it with everything around me food helps me. It’s not always the healthiest choice but it’s what I need.

But this weekend, I have had a big family meal with my brothers and everyone, it was lovely, but I hated every minute. Big family meal= lots of food. And being expected to eat lots of food!

I feel gross now but it’s my lack of self control that is even worse!! I didn’t want to eat all the dinner, but I did. it was like I needed to- a binge I was on the verge of losing it. Totally utterly loosing it!

I’m a gross disgusting fat mess.

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I feel a lot of guilt after binging too. I've been having a very good time for a while, thought I might finally made some real progress to recovery... To now find myself in a worse situation than mostly with almost daily binging and purging.

I try to tell myself, today is a new day, yesterday is the past already and can't be changed anymore anyway. Do your best today...

[crazycrossstitcher]

You probably didn't eat as much as you think you did - and binging by your standards may be a normal "party" meal for others. I suggest you need some help around identity and food - are you seeing anyone - if not I think a trip to the GP and a request for referral to an ED specialist is probably a good idea - ABC has a helpful website and a phone line you could also look at.

[mn15 in reply to crazycrossstitcher]

I went for a 6.5k run today, so feeling a bit better about myself. But still hate that I let my guard down yesterday. I’ve booked to see my GP bu he’s away on holiday this week so won’t be until

Next week I won’t see anyone else Its taken almost a year to build up my trust in my doctor.

I don’t need an ED referral im too fat to have ab eating disorder really, just use food to help gain control.

[crazycrossstitcher in reply to mn15]

Its the fact you are using food to gain control that suggests you have an ED - having an ED is not weight or fatness determined - its about your relationship with food and your body image - so do tell your GP what's going on and how you are feeling around food etc - the ABC website/phone line might give you more insight.

[mn15 in reply to crazycrossstitcher]

I can’t fu*#ing help myself! And now I’ve ended up arguing with my husband who said I’m being silly and that I should be happy I’m lucky to have my life and to pull my self together then he sat and put chocolates in front of me. Told me I wasn’t going anywhere until I ate them.

It’s just chocolates i hate this.

[Agora1 in reply to mn15]

I'm sorry mn15, but that's emotional abuse.

Please listen to the advice of "crazycrossstitcher" she knows what she is talking about in regards to EDs. xx

[crazycrossstitcher in reply to mn15]

So sorry about your husbands response - I know my husband finds it very difficult to comprehend my struggles - he sees me needing to gain weight - that requires food - so why don't I just get on with it and eat? I think anyone who has not had this sort of problem finds it extremely difficult to get their head round it - but I think your husband's response was very inappropriate - maybe born out of desperation to know how to help you - a knee jerk reaction. Please do seek help from your GP and an ED

specialist - you really do need the support of people who know the battle you are in and the seriousness of the illness you are suffering from - and it is an illness and therefore does need treatment.