food guilt and purging

[lpearce28]

I have always had a problem with eating ever since I was younger. As I was quite overweight as a child, I've felt like I was fat ever since I was about seven and therefore I have always had self esteem issues and worried about the way I look. I used to be deprived of eating certain foods, when I was younger (it started when I was about seven) by an adult in my life and this would result in me binge eating at night time. I managed to start eating properly when I was around the age of 10, but I definitely still over ate and did so until I was about 13. When I started secondary school I was bullied in my first year, by people who I thought were my friends, which only lowered my self esteem more and made me feel as though I just wasn't good enough, or the same as girls my age. I think it was towards my second year of secondary school, so when I was around 13, I decided I needed to do something about my weight. I started doing an exercise video of my mum's every day, as well as things like sit-ups and push ups. I did this at home because I was too self-conscious to go to the gym. I changed my diet completely and made all my own dinners, but because I wasn't over eating anymore and I tried to cut really unhealthy foods out of my diet there would be some days, probably two or three times a month, maybe around five if I was feeling very low, where I would binge eat. I don't know if it's the same for everyone, because I feel like the media portray binge eating as lazy people sat in front of the tv slowly getting through 10 bags of crisps, chocolate bars etc, but to me this is wrong. When I binge eat I feel like it is not me, I almost feel like I'm numb, like I have to do it, I'm being controlled to do it. After the binging came the purging (making myself sick), which is something that I haven't done in around 2 months now, but it's something that is always tempting, especially if I have eaten something really unhealthy. I have never spoken to a doctor about this, because I'm terrified of what they will say, or that they will think I'm being attention seeking. I am super stressed with exams at the minute and all I want is a healthy, normal lifestyle, not revolved around food! If anyone has any advice on how not to feel guilty after eating and on how to continue with the not purging I would be extremely grateful!

[la-la-la]

Hello

Not got much time to reply at great depth now but what I can say is you just have to keep fighting. Eating regularly through the day stops bingeing and if you eat something and feel guilty resist compensating- you just have to ride the feelings of fear and guilt and panic out. I am coming out of that now but it has taken nearly 2years. I almost gave up so many times but you have to fight it. There is no other way. Yes it is scary to eat and how we think that stops us but really it is the fear of how we feel when we eat and why underneath it all we developed an ed in the first place that puts resistence in place. You have to feel the fear and do it anyway and in time. ..a long time if you stick at it...it will get easier. Dedication to recovery is needed as much as the iron will it can take to maintain an ed. Try it. Good luck

Lala

[SusieSugar]

Hi lpearce28,

I completely empathise with you, I also suffer from binge eating episodes and over exercising and I think you have really hit the nail on the head with the numb feeling it creates. It might be helpful to remember that you are not alone when these thoughts arise, lots of people have this same issue with eating and it could benefit you if you open up to someone you trust about it.

I get very secretive about my eating habits but I realised that if I talk to someone whilst I'm experiencing the 'binge' mindset, sometimes it can talk you out of it. I think your idea about contacting your doctor is smart, they will not judge you and might be able to help put your mind at ease and start planning a way to tackle your relationship with food.

Just remember too that when you feel like binging you need to start asking yourself questions to figure out why you feel this way, maybe you are lacking emotional support? Sometimes you might really be hungry? Especially if you have purged and are in starvation mode, or you might be stressed and need to find a way to be kind to your body, nourishing in a different, more sensible way that doesn't lead to the guilty feelings after a binge.

I really hope you find someone to talk to, what you're experiencing is treatable and you deserve to be happy and healthy.

Good luck and get in contact with us on here at any time xx