ISSUES WITH FOOD

To be honest i don't know if i have an eating disorder or not but i do know i have some serious issues with food. I am obsessed. I wake up thinking about what to have for breakfast (because breakfast is the most important meal of the day right?!) to only deliberate in front of the fridge for at least an hour about what to have. What's a healthy choice, what isn't.

I've always had a fairly obsessive compulsive personality and some issues with my body. I remember being 9 at school and constantly thinking about how big my thighs were, so much so that i stopped eating lunch. I made my own pack lunch so it was easy to avoid eating it. I know it's ridiculous, i mean i was 9 and obsessed by my thighs and i'm perfectly aware that i was a healthy weight so i know there was actually no issue with my thighs. But i was still acutely aware of my body even then.

Anyway, recently my obsession has reached a whole new level. I'll obsess over what to eat, i think it really began in an effort to lead a healthier lifestyle but has become the exact opposite. Anyway, i'll be so focused on what to eat that i'll enter that stage of hunger where you just don't care what you eat but really you do. It's like my physical body is reaching for whatever food it can get it's hands on but my mind is screaming out saying 'PUT DOWN THE BLOODY COOKIE!'

Basically, i'm hyper critical of myself... and i've got myself into a place were i go for hours and hours of not eating only to binge on rubbish food. then to feel guilty about it and obsess over that for hours and hours. i ALWAYS feel like the fat one in the room, so much so that i convince myself that everyone is looking at me thinking the same thing.

anyone else like this?

(+ sorry for the total ramble!)

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