ISSUES WITH FOOD

[E0609]

To be honest i don't know if i have an eating disorder or not but i do know i have some serious issues with food. I am obsessed. I wake up thinking about what to have for breakfast (because breakfast is the most important meal of the day right?!) to only deliberate in front of the fridge for at least an hour about what to have. What's a healthy choice, what isn't.

I've always had a fairly obsessive compulsive personality and some issues with my body. I remember being 9 at school and constantly thinking about how big my thighs were, so much so that i stopped eating lunch. I made my own pack lunch so it was easy to avoid eating it. I know it's ridiculous, i mean i was 9 and obsessed by my thighs and i'm perfectly aware that i was a healthy weight so i know there was actually no issue with my thighs. But i was still acutely aware of my body even then.

Anyway, recently my obsession has reached a whole new level. I'll obsess over what to eat, i think it really began in an effort to lead a healthier lifestyle but has become the exact opposite. Anyway, i'll be so focused on what to eat that i'll enter that stage of hunger where you just don't care what you eat but really you do. It's like my physical body is reaching for whatever food it can get it's hands on but my mind is screaming out saying 'PUT DOWN THE BLOODY COOKIE!'

Basically, i'm hyper critical of myself... and i've got myself into a place were i go for hours and hours of not eating only to binge on rubbish food. then to feel guilty about it and obsess over that for hours and hours. i ALWAYS feel like the fat one in the room, so much so that i convince myself that everyone is looking at me thinking the same thing.

anyone else like this?

(+ sorry for the total ramble!)

[imstronger]

Hiya E0609, I'm sorry to hear that food is such a source of agony and distress to you. Believe it or not, I can relate to you on many levels as I once stood in front of the mirror, pinching my thighs (who needs a thigh gap when there is a wage gap?) and bringing my lunch to school everyday, eating the same bowl of tomato macaroni because I know exactly how many calories it is. Since there has been so much anxiety that comes with food to you since a young age, it will take some time before you completely stop obsessing over food. I think it is great to think about breakfast - as you said, it's the most important meal of the day! But obsessing over it can be quite detrimental.

I am particularly really worried about the last part you wrote about being you binge eating on rubbish food and feeling guilty about it. It's going to be hard, but it would be very helpful if you try very hard not to classify foods into "good", "bad", or "rubbish". I constantly remind myself - Moderation, not Deprivation! It is only through not restricting yourself, so allowing yourself to eat what you're feeling like eating, that a full-on binge won't occur.

I totally feel you about being overwhelmed with guilt after a binge. As a recovered binge eater, I have written a blog with TIPS + INSIGHT about binge eating disorder. Feel free to check it out and I hope it helps!

imstrongerthantheurgetobing...

Stay alright and be alright!

[E0609 in reply to imstronger]

Thanks soooooo much!! I'll definitely check out your blog 😊 Xxx