It’s come to my attention that I didn’t update everyone on my new little family member, and a feeling that’s running quite deep for me of late.
Firstly. I have gotten myself a new little pup. Her name is Lola. She’s a sweetheart. And a lotta work.
Incase any of you are worried at me getting a puppy when I’m probably not going to live long enough, Carly, my daughter, and I decided long ago, when I got Stevie that if I can’t do it at any time or when I die, of course little Lola is her dog.
Secondly. I wrote a reply earlier about Fulvestrant in ano=nother thread, and realised it was a pretty full on reply, because I am feeling very much like I want to give up all treatment.
Here is a copy and paste of something I wrote on the Piqray FB site.
“I need to ask something that might be hard for some of you to hear. It’s about the end. The end of all treatment. So if you don’t want to think about this please don’t read on.
I’ve been thinking about giving up treatment after Piqray. I don’t know who else to talk to you about this.
I’ve talked to my oncologist , he said we could have a break from Alpelesib, but stay on Fulvestrant see how we go. He said I don’t have to make a decision not to go on any more trials. Or not to go on Capecitabine. I’m not sure why I don’t want to go any further. I just feel like I’ve had so much trouble with my hands my mouth my taste.. and I’m sick of wondering at each monthly meeting with the oncologist. Will this be the last? It doesn’t feel like quality of life to me any more. I’m not depressed. I’m loving my life. I could go like this forever. But I know that there’s going to come a time when this treatment is going to stop working.
Do any of you feel like this?
I really don’t want anyone trying to tell me that that I need to get a therapist or anything like that. I’ve done a lot of therapy in my life and I know what depression feels like. I am not depressed.
I know the feeling I’m having now is just having to deal with what really truly is my life in the now.”
END FB post.
I know this post sounds crazy and huge, but I think about THE END a lot. It’s so constant in my mind I feel like I must just want it. And yet why have I not gone off treatment already? This is the question I ask myself whenever I use my hands. (ALWAYS) and my raw fingertips scrape a dry towel and hurt like crazy, or I put my hand in a bag or pu my jeans up and the nails pul back and peel and come off. And the loss of taste. Everything I eat tastes strange. I can’t even begin to explain how it is different. It just is.
And there are so many other none cancer related things wrongs either my body that I never mention here.
O winge winge winge. But I just can’t stand the thought of yet another treatment with yet another list of side effects.
So sorry to bang on. But really. I don’t think my body wants to be here. It’s just being kept alive but all these wonderful crazy medications. Anyway. I’ll stop now.
Love to all of you
Piqray
End of IBrance …
piqray
