why so many my dad posts ?

[Yokohama2023]

I often wonder why so many my dad posts ? Maybe because my dad died at 63… and I don’t have any kids. I wonder why the dads won’t post anything themselves. Maybe a cutoff from the internet usefulness or ? I mean I’d be an advocate for myself but I guess I understand.

[Tall_Allen]

Good question! I don't want to overstate this, since most members here are patients themselves. You are right that older people are less likely to use social media on the Internet. But it is often wives of a similar age too. Do support-givers more likely to care about our loved ones more than they care about themselves? After all, if we, the patients, die, the loss is the support-givers to bear. Do some patients screen out or get lost in the weeds after hearing certain triggering words (e.g., cancer,mortality)? Maybe some men are less likely to want to bear the responsibility of patient empowerment? It's probably a combination of psychosocial dynamics, maybe even cultural, and is probably very individual.

[Yokohama2023 in reply to Tall_Allen]

Insightful, was really just curious…I’ve known some past stubborn older relatives that would be lost and require help navigating health treatment online .. At 57 I guess I’m on the cusp between the internet challenged and savvy next generation where it was common.. I worked in IT for a long time and it makes sense that this disease tends to strike older patients. It must be very difficult for someone a generation or 2 past me to really use this insightful feedback online. While a generalization in my line of work I came across tons of people 10-20 years younger than me that were not internet savvy at all and I did see peers and older workers that were very savvy.. it makes me wonder. I guess also these people are blessed to have people care for them so much ! Bearing the responsibility of empowerment seems to correlate with the male role models in my life… wish the best to all.

[Eadgbe in reply to Tall_Allen]

Although I am active on this site, my wife is not. However, while I might suffer a depressed state occasionally, she suffers from anxiety to the point of cardiac effects. For a spouse, who normally is high in neuroticism, to deal with a cancer diagnosis of their spouse, is a difficult thing and can cause a deep, background desperation and panic in the relationship. It is as if the spouse cares more about the death of the one with cancer than the victim. This situation adds to the difficulty of life. The existence of this forum (the voices of survivors) is a very uplifting thing and I would hope more spouses and patients would take advantage of it.

[Tall_Allen in reply to Eadgbe]

It would be interesting to see a study of how the Big 5 personality traits affect attitudes toward cancer diagnosis and care giving.

[Mascouche in reply to Eadgbe]

I would guess that most spouses get anxiety when their loved ones (us) is given what equates for many an early and painful death.

My wife fears a future without me as she's been at home to raise our kids since she was 24 and she don't know how she will be able to generate enough money to go on living if I was to die in the next few years.

For my part, I have never suffered from anxiety nor did I fear death until the diagnosis. I still don't fear death so my anxiety is pretty much from worrying about the future of my wife and kids after I am no longer there. It's a very heavy weight on my shoulders.

Not sure it would do her much good if she came on this forum because while she would read stories of people who lived 30 years with the beast but she would also see the stories of the younger men in their 40's and 50's who died more rapidly than older men.

[Eadgbe in reply to Mascouche]

I understand completely and share the worry about my spouse's future without me. This is a responsibility men feel that they don't articulate too much. We certainly don't tout it. It's probably the last thing we will let go - especially those who are entrepreneurs or workaholics. My diagnosis is not terminal (yet) and the rt and adt seems to have done the trick for now. Even the lung shadow is caught early so I should be considered fortunate. The illness and SE does interfere with my few working years left but at 75, the senses I need for my occupation are diminishing without the PC anyway. It is difficult to deal with an anxious spouse. But if she raised kids she is likely stronger than she imagines - and the kids are a source of security regardless of how responsible they may or may not seem now. I wonder how many times that responsibility has been passed on to children on death beds. Not fair? But a 100,000 year tradition.

[Derf4223]

I'd hazard to say that something like 50% of people with cancer become clinically depressed. Or are have progressive mental deterioration issues anyway. The time to exercise and keep your mind sharp is many years before the age of average PCa Dx.

[tn12]

Are you also wondering about all the "my husband" posts?

[Yokohama2023 in reply to tn12]

Well I do noticed those as well. I can relate to those more so being married and loving my wife soo much. I often tear up thinking about leaving her alone and part of me hopes she doesn’t have to feel sad or lonely. I almost hope she doesn’t have to spend time here thinking about it so much worrying about my health, maybe that’s why I’ve taken the time to research alone but understand how a couple’s love can make us do extraordinary things. My wife has been very supportive especially me being in a foreign country not completely grasping the local language. I guess support and love can been shown and exhibited in many ways. I wish you and your husband the best.

[Murk]

I believe many like me here are Dad's and Grandfathers. Remember personal computers really came into vogue after many here were adults.

[Yokohama2023 in reply to Murk]

I understand. I saw a lot of transition in my time right between. To be honest I spent a lot of my youth with my grandparents in upstate New York in the 70s as a very young kid. I would travel from a difficult poverty childhood in Hawaii .. hard to imagine right.,, to be with them for the summer as it was difficult for my single mom to raise me alone. Nevertheless I cherished my grandparents old fashion east coast ways and their friends. . all seniors. I always associated more with older people and made closer friends with that age bracket as I aged. Computers never existed then I remember… dialing a rotary phone… etc. In a way I wonder what has become of our lives. I remember having a large backyard at their house, the fireman neighbor next door who grew a lot of vegetables on the nearby land… movie theaters and the brick buildings downtown. Saw Rocky when it came out. The lake nearby .. the casual slow paced community with neighbors that talked. Corn for sale on the roads near the farms .. 8 ears for a $1. I remember the attic and basement in the house .. what an adventure… ! Going with the grandparents to ponderosa for a meal .. pinball there.. begging for some miniature golf. Shopping at a grocery store .. stickers on the products.. grab the one in the back that had a different price .. no scanning .. different time. I see the difference and am shocked to be honest… was in California before moving to Japan and it’s shocking how bad things turned out. I ramble on but value the past and lost beautiful culture which has been replaced by insanity. I completely understand the frustrations of technology the constant changes .. UI , browsers, etc.etc. So bookmarks are here…then here. What are those dots.. where did the minimize go… yada yada.. updates, bsod , virus , horrible.. technology has gotten worse as has the UI ..

[pakb]

As a wife who has a husband not on here, I can address the wife question. My husband and I are partners in life- meaning we each complete household and life tasks so that our life works well. He was only 49 at diagnosis- so very tech savvy, but not in the same way I am. Our daughter was diagnosed 2 years before him with Crohn's. She had emergency surgery 2 weeks after her diagnosis and lived at children's hospital for 6 weeks- so I stopped working to care for her. At that point I became family manager- mostly of medical issues. My husband manages the bills and works full time. My master's degree is based in statistics and research so it was just natural that I do the research. Also- being the non- outside of the house- working partner, I make this part of my job and spare him some of the more depressing things I find. When his urologist told him there was almost nothing they could do at diagnosis (that doc was an a$$) I saw my husband start to panic- so, as the one who doesn't have to physically take on this disease, I took on the management and advocating. It's worked well for us. Our personalities are different in the stress arena as well. I'm more pragmatic and I NEED info to not stress. He's not like that. So, I think it comes down to each person's stress thresholds and mental strengths. Sometimes that's the wife, sometimes the patient, sometimes the child, etc. Although, I too wonder about some of the younger "kids" on here with dad's under 60- I know they're just searching in any way they can to help. My husband works very long days and me taking this on allows him to also do things he loves- surf, coach, etc. In our relationship it's all a balance- and this works well for us. Good question though- since I really learn so much from all of you patients here!

[pakb in reply to pakb]

Also- many of the 'wives of Pca' groups are less stats and more wives discussing issues that effect them as wives- I like the stats and patient perspective on forums like this better!

[Yokohama2023 in reply to pakb]

Thanks for sharing that makes a lot of sense .. I agree with you my wife and I have different strengths.. sorry to hear about your daughter hope everyone is doing better. I guess for me I’ve seen a lot of kids advocating for for parents younger than me .. which I commend just don’t understand as while I don’t have kids I feel,like I’d like to protect them from this .. maybe some dads are by not telling them the details.. regardless I wish you and your family lots of health and love. I too learn which is why asked..

[pakb in reply to Yokohama2023]

Our daughter is managing well- it's been 10 years since her diagnosis and 7 since my husband's so we have learned a lot. Yes- I try to shield my kids a bit. Our oldest is 25, and I'm not sure I can imagine him coming on this forum to ask questions- but maybe that's because I do it. The kids seem young to have the burden. Hoping your journey is long and you're doing well!

[j-o-h-n]

Cause when it comes to doctors, meds........... most men are sissies.

Women give birth and can stand the pain...... men cry if they stub their toe.

Doctors says to male patient "all okay sir" Katie bar the door cause he's in his car playing the radio and driving home at the word "sir".

Doctors says to female patient "all ok madam" female asks "doctor, what do you mean by okay?"

This post is from one of the biggest sissies on the block.....

Good Luck, Good Health and Good Humor.

j-o-h-n

[cancerfox]

I think that, in general, men tend to be less proactive than women when it comes to health issues. It may be partly cultural, partly biological, I'm not sure. There also seems to be more emphasis on women's health then men's in our society. 🦊

[Mike58]

This is just a wild hunch but I wonder if in some cases the "Daughter" or "Wife" is actually the patient themselves. It can be, that some PCa sufferers want to use a bit of a buffer between themselves and the rest of group on this forum. I'm sure it isn't very common but it can be a way that the patients can just be a little more anonymous. And that's fine.

[Yokohama2023 in reply to Mike58]

That’s an interesting perspective.. for me I’m all about transparency .. and don’t really care much about being anonymous.. but could understand certain people in particular circumstances.

[spouse21]

Short answer: Love and two heads are better than one.

1st long answer: Some dads are lucky enough to have loving adult children who are super savvy about vetting quality information. This gives the dads time and space to concentrate on treatments. I see sons and daughters all the time in the waiting rooms with their parent. I suspect, also, that some faraway adult children want to make a contribution to their dad's care, and doing research on a site like HU is a great way to be involved.

In our case, my husband, Mr. Spouse21 does his own research and we compare notes. I go to 90% of the appointments. It helps to have a personal scribe during some of the nail biters whether it's a son, daughter, friend, or partner. Someone on HU way back saw my early inquiries on the American Cancer Society board way back in 2014. One of their members snapped at me: "Why isn't your husband asking these questions?" A sympathetic member guided me to HU and a couple other more supportive sites, and here I am. In turn, I've shared my knowledge with a couple friends with PCa who are on this site and two others where I've posted. I've accompanied friends to their cancer appointments just to take notes for them. Researching and notetaking are the two "friend" services I offer if a friend just got a dx. My husband's the same way. He literally saved a friend's life from a scary melanoma diagnosis by digging around and finding the right oncologist when our friend was overwhelmed. We try not to be overbearing, though, and ask first if they want help with researching solid information. As many here can attest, unsolicited advice can give the the sick person the feeling that: "You're doing cancer all wrong."

2nd short answer: Any man who's undergoing PCa treatment is already doing plenty.

[Yokohama2023]

Thank you for taking the time to give me such a detailed response. You are a wonderful person as is your husband …I wish you both the best !