It has been a few weeks since I could write something without crying. Hard to explain, but this month, month three of his passing, has been more difficult than the others. Right when I thought I couldn't hurt anymore, I found out that, in fact, yes, I can hurt more.
It seems that after Cleodman's passing, I got off the caregiver rollercoaster and got on the widow rollercoaster.
I still remember the emotional rollercoaster we went through when Cleodman got diagnosed, during the treatments, and at the end.
While he stood strong, I went through anxiety, deep sadness, fear, hope, and denial. I always told him it was our fight, not just his. He was my rock. Even though I should've been the one comforting him, he was the one always holding me and making sure I was ok.
I will never understand where our men get their strength from. All I can say is that we love them for that.
In the past few weeks, I have also come to accept something I knew but didn't pay much attention to. I went through something very traumatic. We all are. We don't think about it or realized it because, at that time, we are just focused on surviving the rollercoaster.
I can only repeat what he would tell me when I would ask him how he was doing. One time, his response was, "It's just life...we are all fighting something, some fight poverty, others fight abuse, and some of us have to fight cancer."
I guess this is just life, and I am fighting grief now.
I found this page with tools to help us navigate traumatic stress. I hope some of these tools help us.