It has been a few weeks since I could write something without crying. Hard to explain, but this month, month three of his passing, has been more difficult than the others. Right when I thought I couldn't hurt anymore, I found out that, in fact, yes, I can hurt more.
It seems that after Cleodman's passing, I got off the caregiver rollercoaster and got on the widow rollercoaster.
I still remember the emotional rollercoaster we went through when Cleodman got diagnosed, during the treatments, and at the end.
While he stood strong, I went through anxiety, deep sadness, fear, hope, and denial. I always told him it was our fight, not just his. He was my rock. Even though I should've been the one comforting him, he was the one always holding me and making sure I was ok.
I will never understand where our men get their strength from. All I can say is that we love them for that.
In the past few weeks, I have also come to accept something I knew but didn't pay much attention to. I went through something very traumatic. We all are. We don't think about it or realized it because, at that time, we are just focused on surviving the rollercoaster.
I can only repeat what he would tell me when I would ask him how he was doing. One time, his response was, "It's just life...we are all fighting something, some fight poverty, others fight abuse, and some of us have to fight cancer."
I guess this is just life, and I am fighting grief now.
I found this page with tools to help us navigate traumatic stress. I hope some of these tools help us.
Cleodwoman, as usual, your post has touched my heart. As I grieve for your loss of a truly great man, my thoughts drift to my own precious wife. I hate to think of her in the future grieving my death but I realize it's a state many of us must simply go forward through that experience to emerge whole on the other side of the tragedy, ready to live another stage of a fulfilling life. God bless you for the faithful love you've displayed. I will continue to remember you in my prayers.
Thank you Cleodwomen for staying in touch with our group. It is as your husband said, Life. We honor a great man and his loving wife, and appreciate your thoughtful posts. Wishing you remain strong through this difficult new journey🖖
I'm so sorry for your pain. I know how hard it must be for you to write about your feelings. And even just open up this website. I truly hope that as you're helping all of us with the stages of pain and the rollercoaster car that we're in that you can gain some healing also. We appreciate your posts and your raw unfiltered honesty. It helps to know we're not alone.
I stay in the here and now most of the time but there are times I think of what’s to come or think of how much things have changed and feel overwhelming sadness. To get myself out of it I think of how lucky we are that we have each other and try to focus on the positives. Right now my husband, Steve, is feeling fairly good and is asymptomatic. It’s hard to believe sometimes that he is so sick. We both can talk freely about everything with each other which also helps. We don’t want to waste time now thinking about what will happen in the future since we’ll have to do that when the time comes.
I attend a weekly guided Zoom meditation class with the cancer center my husband goes to. I had never done that before but I love it and it’s helped me when I feel particularly stressed or when I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t stop my thoughts. The breathing techniques I’ve learned help me fall back asleep. I also attend a support group, via Zoom, for wives of men with advanced prostate cancer. It helps to talk with others going through the same thing. This forum helps as well. Thank you for the link you sent. It has some very helpful suggestions. I need all the help I can get! I don’t think there is such a thing as too much help. All of us here know how hard this journey is. Thanks to everyone here who shares what they are going through.
You are right--we're on a roller coaster, and I don't like the feeling. Never was a fan of coasters! I hate heights and can't stand that dropping feeling. We're 8+ years into what feels like a marathon. Denny is more and more dependent on me for so many things. While I am so grateful to have this time together, it is getting harder and sometimes I feel like my reserves are diminishing. I know things will continue to get harder, and I hope I am up to the task. After reading your story, I know you were successful in meeting the challenges you met and comforting your husband. His love for you was evident in his posting on here. Your tears are healing tears. Try not to fight them. God bless.
Thank you so much for your post! Like your Cleodman, my husband is my rock. More often than I would like, he is comforting me and making sure I’m okay. It is good to know I am not alone—or selfish—because I still need to lean on him.
Thank you for being transparent on your journey. It is reassuring and helpful.
I feel your pain, my husband was told he has 3 to 6 months to live. We found out he had prostate cancer January 2020 that had metastasized to all his bones. He has tried zytiga, chemo, amg 160 and his cancer just keeps on growing. It so so horrible to see the love of your life in pain and so weak. Your husband’s post touched my heart and your post help me know I am not alone.
Birdseed, I am so sorry no treatment worked for your husband. My husband was also diagnosed last year, March 2020, and it also had already metastasized to many bones and lymph nodes. It was so shocking as I’m sure it was for you two as well. Just keep taking it a day at a time. You are definitely not alone. 💕
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