Depression during the first few feeks

[teetonmill]

I've just found out I'm going to be a dad. My partner always wanted to be a mum but she lost the baby at 10 weeks. She's totally confused now as to whether she actually wants the baby. She doesnt feel any bond to the baby and has totally pushed me away. She's going to stay with a friend for a while in the hope that this will clarify what she wants to do. I'm an emotional wreck because a fornight ago everything seemed great. She cant say anything to help me understand the situation apart from "it may be my hormones". I know I'm being selfish but I cant stand the thought of losing her so I have started to distance myself from her to protect myself. I fear we are going to seperate for good but cant seem to do anything to help the situation. I'm open to any suggestion.

[teetonmill]

sorry I meant to write "she lost a previous baby 18 months ago at 10 weeks"

[Skyblueboston]

Ok this sounded a bit like me after losing my baby at 7.5 weeks we as devastated it tok me months and months to resume normal life. Then my hubby kept suggesting we try again, I was sooooo scared I would lose the baby again, I'm currently 14.3 weeks, so I did push him away for a while, but when we fell pregnant again I have been a nervous wreck, I have started to calm down now believing this is going to happen! I think she is totally scared, I think she is being a bit selfish shutting u out like this! But she needs to talk to u, I think u will find she does want the baby but she is so worried.

[teetonmill in reply to Skyblueboston]

Thanks for taking the time to reply. It helps knowing people out there are in the same situation. I'm also glad that you are able to realise that you were scared of losing your baby again. I don't think my partner is able to think straight enough to be in touch with her emotions or at least she is denying her real emotions. Well, i hope this is the case but I just don't know.

I really hope all goes well for you and your husband. It seems like you deserve it.

Thanks again for trying to help.

[ritz21]

Hey there, it can actually be the Hormones.

It is quite obvious that she may not feel a bond with the baby yet especially as she miscarried and might have gone through an emotional turmoil in her previous pregnancy. It might also be that she is still afraid if that happens again and may not be in a mood to face the same stress again. And add to all this anxiety the hormones playing wit her mind and emotions. I had a similar story like your partner, I am in my 11th week now and hoping for the first trimester to get over really safe and sound. Maybe my story can help a bit on what you can do.

I am pregnant for the first time and for me and my husband it was a well planned move, but the day I felt pregnant all hell broke loose - i did not wanted to be a married anymore, i did not wanted a baby, I did not wanted anything in the world and all I wanted was a Plan to run away and hide myself somewhere -I felt I am going to look like a cow for the rest of my life, I cant travel to conflict zones anymore, I cant take a sudden holiday, I cant bar-hop, I cant even look my normal self again - I tell you its such an emotional journey we woman can go through ! especially if having kids is a part of the life plan and not 'THE PLAN' (like good old days!)

My entire family was scared - my husband too was. My mom told me 'that she would support me even if I dont want the baby' - my husband also said the same.

My brother than asked me if I want to abort - and that word sounded so gruesome to me !! I suddenly felt as if that would be the worst thing I could do! how can anyone abort a baby who is developing just fine. Its like killing and I am not a murderer.

So although annoyingly I gave up to the circumstance and accepted that i am now pregnant and all I can do is to make sure that the feotus is not harmed. But that does not solve all yet.

My husbands 'little girl' has just turned into a 'little monster' who can cry on things like not getting the right pair of shoes to 'you did not even bother to check my pregnacare was over' (and all this despite of the fact that I have been so independent as a person for my whole life so far, suddenly it seems that I can not do anything by myself).So dear husband is having as tuff time as you might be.

But he is making sure that he lets me know every now and then that we would get a baby girl as beautiful as me (this sometimes gets a reaction from me that he would love her more than he loves me and I dont want this to happen ever - to which he reassures me that he would love me the most still and turn her out of the house the moment she is 18 - than she goes either to the University hostel or anywhere else she choose to be).

I think overall pregnancies can be very much a test of love and patience. Especially for Dad-to-be.

And BTW soon when I get normal, I feel really bad for what i said or did and to make-up I make food that my husband loves, leave him love-notes around in the house and give him a nice message. And this routine of feeling bad and feeling good is happening everyday now. And he is also making sure that he talks to me about my previous tantrum and why he thinks it was not nice when I get normal - i do get defensive at times - and than he drops the talking and we go back to doing nice stuffs.

Do not distance yourself from your partner, she needs you with all the more love and care and probably only you can reassure her that it would be alright this time and you all would be a nice happy family. You may have to ignore a lot of her tantrums - you may want to already get some baby soft -toys in the house or send them to her (maybe choose the ones she would have liked as a kid). baby clothes can also be a good gift to say that it is going to be ok (but it might also make her nervous, as baby clothes are really tiny!)

I hope that would help ! congratulations new dad-to-be !

[teetonmill in reply to ritz21]

Thank you so much for replying. I totally understand everything you have written and it really helps. I guess I was looking for a quick fix but have come to realise that this is a slow, sometimes arduous process. I'm going to try and stick with it and hopefully be more understanding but it just seems so difficult when you're always being shut out. I'm glad you throw tantrums. I would love my partner to let it all out and let me know how she really felt instead of internalising everything.

Thanks again for taking the time to help someone you dont even know. I think you and your husband will be just fine, and congratulations to you too!

[ritz21 in reply to teetonmill]

talk to her she would let you in. I do tend to shut my husband out when I am angry. The latest was shutting myself in a room at his parents place before Christmas, as embarrassing as it was for him and rest in the family - he did made me finally throw tanturms and than speak - after almost 6 hours ofcourse !

We woman can be really bad to you man and really sorry for how you might be feeling. but than you are the only one who can actually reassure her !