20 weeks with twins and miserable don't know what to do with myself

[phoeb]

I'm 20 weeks with twins. It was a massive shock to find out I was pregnant let alone twins. I feel miserable , I have no idear how my partner and I will cope . Child care for two is more than I earn but I have a mortgage to pay so being a stay at home mum is not an option. I feel guilty because everyone keeps telling me how great it is and I put on my smile and agree but I just feel numb about it all. This is my first pregnatcy and so have no equipment or clothes for them or spare cash. I don't think Im entitled to any benefit because I work. All I wanna do is hide howevere we all know that won't help x

[bobby70]

Big hugs to you Phoeb, I think you may still be in shock. I think I would be a little too if I found out I was carrying twins, but you will probably be surprised as to how well you and your partner will cope. It will be hard, I am sure for the first few weeks until you establish your own routine. Please don't feel guilty for how you are feeling, you may be surprised to hear that your feelings are completely normal. You must be pretty tired too as your body is growing two babies and not just one.

Some people may say that money isn't everything, but the reality of it is that when things are tight then it is a real worry. Your midwife may have leaflets on financial help you may be able to get, and it may be an idea to contact your local citizens advice bureau for advice on any help you may be able to get.

Also, as long as you don't mind "second-hand" items, you will often find people selling cots, prams and all manner of baby things in the local newspapers, that may be of help to you. Remember that babies don't NEED half of the stuff that society tells us they do. For a child to flourish they need food, clothing, warmth, shelter and love, it doesn't make us any less loving mums if we don't buy the latest bouncing/vibrating/music-playing baby chair or other items that are, yes, lovely to have if you can afford them, but your babies won't mind or even know that they haven't got them if you can't. For everything that you need there are buget ranges out there, so don't be embarrassed to ask.

I wish you well and hope you manage to get some help to relieve some of the pressure on you.

Love and hugs.

B. x

[kipper]

I agree whole-heartedly with everything Bobby70 said.

It is surprising common to feel overwhelmed by the worries of expecting one baby, never mind two!

Really the big thing is being able to accept any help that people are willing to offer. Lots of people have baby things that they are not using and would be more than happy to see in a good home.

I know you wouldn't want to 'use' anyone's good charity, but a church near me prepare baby baskets for refugee women (they found women were turning up at hospital to give birth without basic things like nappies, babygros and sanitary essentials). As a church-goer myself, I would really hope that if you mentioned your concerns quietly to someone at your local church (even if you don't go yourself), some strings could be pulled to get you a few of things that you'll need - if they can't find things for free, they should at least have a network of families who could give advice on sourcing things cheaper given their experiences of family budgeting. And, instead of buying two moses baskets, you might be able to put the money aside for when you are ready to go back to work. (Though perhaps moses basket might be a bad example since my kids only ever had a pram to sleep in until they were big enough for a cot - economise where you can).

Good luck with it all. Big hugs.

K

[Mag2oo]

I am a mum to 4 month old twins and have met many twin mums who describe having felt exactly as you do when they first found out they were having twins. If I can give you any advice it would be to get in touch with your local twins group so you can meet up with other parents of twins. Most areas have one and they are open to people who are pregnant with twins as well as those who already have twins. They will be really supportive and will be able to give you loads of practical advice as well as emotional support. Theres no doubt it takes a while to get your head round the fact you are having twins and it makes a difference to talk to people who can really understand how you feel. Your health visitor/midwife should be able to give you details of one in your area. If you dont feel up to that yet you could check out the TAMBA website (twins and multiple births association). As well as online advice they also have a phone helpline who offer support/advice on all topics, including money issues. Your midwife will also give you a booklet regarding benefits etc.

I agree with all the advice you have been given here about buying things. Friends of friends (people we had never met!!!) even bought us stuff. People really do seem to get over excited at the news of twins. We bought a lot of stuff that has rarely been used so it really is best to stick to the basics till they are here and you see what you receive in gifts etc. Clothes especially. Most twins groups or Tamba can tell you about nearly new sales in your area. Or maybe your local group can put you in touch with a twin mum who is having a clear out! A friend of mine who has twins gave us a lot of stuff she no longer used which was a huge help.

We really were overwhelmed at the support people have given us and im sure you will find that too. We are in a similar situation to you financially so I totally sympathise on the childcare dilemma.

Theres no doubt having twins is a lot of work and has its own unique challanges but there really is something special about having twins. Now they are 4 months im really enjoying them and feel really lucky to have 2 healthy babies.

Hope all goes well for you, take care xxx

[Neela]

hello, I've just had my baby recently, but only find out when I was 21 weeks; it was freaking time, as just bought a studio flat, mortgage, etc....

I did a list, what we will really need, and it was working; on car boot sales you can find a lot of clothes for 1 pound, my friend was buying a lot of stuff for me there; I used ebay for bargains, so I bought a full travel system for £36; ok, it's not brand new condition, but safe, good, and when we'll don't need, can sell it again; registered on websites, so you can get coupons for free stuff or vouchers (boots, tesco, asda, pampers, phillips-avent etc...) you can look and register on netmums as well, there is a lot of things to buy cheaper as well;

toys: didn't bought a lot, as they don't need to much things; and the best, write a list what do you need, and organize a baby shower; you will get quite a lot of things for the babies from your friends, family

when is sale for kids wear, nappies etc... try to buy as many as you can afford, it will helps; I bought washable nappies, it could safe a lot, ok, it's not that comfortable as the disposable, but it's worth for it

for work: try to find out, could you go back for part time, when you husband can take care for them, or even then childcare will be cheaper;

hope you will feel soon better, and will enjoy the joy with your twins

[Merida]

Hey, sounds like all great advice, I just wanted to add the yahoo group, freecycle or freegle have baby clothes, toys, even occasionally buggies etc for free, you can also put up a wanted add and people are very generous, particularly as babies grow so fast! You would get a lot of things at no cost at all from, there you just need to sign up and join. Hope things go well and everything settles in, with you feeling better soon.

[Wickerbox]

Hi Phoeb

I'm 21 weeks pregnant with twins and this is my first pregnancy too. I was surprised to be pregnant so twins was definately a shock! We have a similar dilemma, ideally I want to work part time (for my own sanity as much as the money) but the childcare will probably cost more than I earn. I am just thinking to myself that there are people in worse situations who make it work, one of my close friends had twins 8 years ago and they lived in a static caravan in her father in laws garden until the kids were 5 a and they are best kids I know so you will make it work.

The other comments are right: people have given us stuff and we will be happy with second hand & George @ Asda (who apparently have stuff really reduced on their baby events) or Matalan. As long as they are happy, healthy and loved that is the main thing!

Keep your chin up

K x

[ahem]

you don't need half of the stuff the shops will try to sell you, but it can seem scary not arming yourself to the teeth in preparation.

DON"T PANIC about twins, I have 7 yr old twins and yes it is hard work but then so is a single baby, you won't know any different!! (just remember contraception afterwards and don't do as I did and have another 19 months later :)!! )

Don't worry about work and money right now, you cannot do anything about it, and right now the most important thing is to grow your babies safely, there is one thing much worse than twins; early twins, don't under estimate how much hard work you are doing growing two babies.. and congratulations on getting this far with out suffering from the pregnancy.

A really easy way to de-clutter your "to buy" list is breastfeeding, co-sleeping (SAFELY), carrying your babies in a sling (not baby-bjorn type but a more traditional carrier). a good place to get information is your local La Leche League group (google it), and people there may know of a local baby-wearing or sling-meet group who can show you amazing ways of carrying your babies.

PLEASE don't worry too much, you will get through it and feeling terrified will pass, twins are wonderful it may take time to get used to it all but nature is an amazing thing and it will look after you too.

[sufia]

I totally understand how you feel; I had twins and spent the whole pregnancy wondering how I would cope, how I would afford it, the list went on. However everything went well and the second I saw my healthy wonderful boys,nothing else mattered. 21 years on and I still remember how worrying that time was. My response is you will find a way to manage and there is nothing that compares to such an amazing experience as having twins. Enjoy every minute; but a little tip, when you go out always give yourself at least half an hour extra to get anywhere on time, as everyone will stop you to fuss over your twins. Good Luck and enjoy