Becoming mum and forgetting to be wife... and sometimes woman

[Shaky27]

Hi ladies.

Writing today as feeling stressed by myself. Almost 34 weeks preg of my 3rd child and I’m afraid I’m going to be selfish again... as I will focus on baby and the oldest and forget to be attentive to my huby. I know he’s suffering for that and I want to change that in me but it’s hard ... even easy to say well Just do it! Give him hug kiss him be attentive and affectionate with him...

how can I buy my mum side and becoming the affectionate wife I was.. o lost this since my first child and struggle to find it back because it’s part of my personality...

Any advise or tips? I know I have to work on myself...

[laurafig]

I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling like this. I am having my first baby and I have always worried about loosing myself generally when having a child. A friend told me once that your life is over as you just care for your babe and I just over worry that I will loose everything about myself! So it must be normal?

Is your partner affectionate to you? The feminist in my says you shouldn’t have to be so focused one being ‘an attentive wife’. We are not machines to make babies and make everyone else feel ok. Does your partner make you feel loved too?. I say this but I kind of understand what you mean.

Could you look at the relationship and situation differently and think you and your husband both love each other equally and now you have your children to look after. Perhaps the affection between you has to be more minimal for a short time whilst you juggle your new addition to the family, but this doesn’t mean you love each other less.

Does you partner help with raising the babies? The baby is both of your equally and I would say it that looking after baby, your and your relationship is as much of your partners responsibility as it is yours. You're in this together! And after all you’ve just carried yours/his baby for 9 months! What more does he want, hehe 😂?

[Shaky27]

😊 hi!

Huby is very attentionate but also very demanding sexwise lollll

Well, for our first baby boy (who will be 12 years old in 11 days 🤭) huby was not implicated at all during the pregnancy and neither for the first 2 years after birth (not sure if it’s because we were living at my mums house.) he left me in my bubble with this experience and our boy, as we are very fusionnel and he was even jealous oh his son because I was in love with him!!!! (Careful with this syndrome!)

And I didn’t push him back when he was demonstrating love but it just that I never came to him spontaneously... this almost broke our marriage !

Then baby girl number 2 arrived and is now 7,5 years old. This time we were already in our home and he was a bit more concerned with the pregnancy and the baby. Just a little bit lol. And also helping a little bit with the house. But still verrrrry demanding lol so we were unstable in the couple again... as I was reacting the same way: children first then the house and my job. And as he was not very helpful well naturally I didn’t feel the desire to be attentive to him!! Rebellion lol

Between the 2 children it was ok we found back more or less the harmony and the rythme but still... hard for me to be attentionate. A little bit more though 😊

I was hesitating having a 3rd baby because of his reactions during pregnancy and after... but I don’t want a baby for him, but really deep desire for me. So we talked a lot and he made so many efforts to help home and with the kids so we go for baby number 3.

He is very implicated in the pregnancy and the house and the oldest children (even if I need to remind him from time to time lol)

So I’m very glad because this pregnancy shows some small complication. So I enjoy his attention A LOT (as first time I feel he carries about the pregnancy) but looks like I still don’t always come to him spontaneously... and this makes him suffering. My bad habits are back and feels like I still have the bad memory of the 2 first pregnancies...

So I’m wondering if I need to see someone to help me finding back my confidence In myself as I lost it to be honest... during these years I never lost the weight of the 2 pregnancies, and the couple problems we had... but I really want to find myself as I felt before the babies...

Sorry was a bit long !

[Kempton]

I'd hardly say you're being selfish. Taking care of children is demanding and it's right that they are your number one priority. Your husband is an adult, as well as the other parent, so he should appreciate what you're doing, and should be pulling his weight too.

Reading these posts makes me feel so lucky to have the husband I have. We may not have as much sex as we used to, but we have a happy and healthy child, whose upbringing is both our priorities.

Being a mum is hard. Don't put extra pressure on yourself. The affection will come when you both feel less stressed and more settled in your role as parents to 3 children. It's also a 2 way street - when you feel happier and less tired, you'll be naturally more affectionate, and so he'll benefit from being hands on as a dad.

[Shaky27 in reply to Kempton]

Thanks kempton. It took him 12 years to understand that he has to be dad too not only husband and this is his house too... and he is not a guest! I’m grateful of all his effort because really he has completely changed, now I will explain him that the less tired I am the more attentionate I will be naturally.. as he didn’t get this yet hahahha . Now I feel less selfish thanks to your sharing experiences lol