Feeling stupid

[Positive2022]

Hi all,

Another post from me... apologies in advance! Just wanted to reach out to others who may be feeling similar. I hope there is someone who can reassure me that it's not just me who can feel a tad frustrated at people's comments.

Brief history... infertility battle, infertility treatment, traumatic birth and possible mild postnatal depression. One thing has really got to me this week. Why oh why when you have just had a beautiful baby and you finally make it out to see people for thie first time only weeks after giving birth do people ask 'so when are you going to have number 2?' I realise that few people know our history but after years of 'so when will it be your turn to have a baby', I actually have found myself quite upset tonight. The tears are plopping down my cheeks as I write this. Stupid I know but I can't help feeling emotional over the whole thing. Feel like replying 'I had a number 2 this morning, thanks for asking!' I really feel I have to justify to people why we may never have another and then get cross with myself for feeling this way. I know I shouldn't let what people think get to me but I can't help it 😢🙈

Sorry for the rant folks, just needed to get things off my chest to others who may have been through a similar experience.

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It was a long time ago for me I used to just say no way I had a traumatic birth and wasn’t thinking of anymore. I didn’t have trouble conceiving or difficult pregnancy so didn’t think anything of it, I think people just say it as conversation they don’t think it would offend or upset anyone. My carpet cleaner bloke asked if I was going to have another, my kids are 13&11 nobody usually asks that at my age with 2 kids, I had just had a mc and trying not to cry answered well we’re trying but we’ve mc. I’ve had another 2 mc since I feel better equipped emotionally now if it comes up but still when your on the spot.

Just try to forget other people and focus on your health and enjoy your time with your baby x

[ChrisWest1983]

Oh dear, please don't cry! People sometime just don't know what to say and say silly things instead. Often it's nothing meant personaly.

People often can't imagine how other person feels,specially after such big moments in their lives and therefore gives advices and ask questions.

Big hugs, 🤗

[Kempton]

Gosh, I'm sorrry you feel so upset and that people say such dumb things. If you have a newborn it's probably hormones making you feel so upset. People who are asking that are just stupid and I think your number 2 come back is spot on, definitely use it! I can't believe how stupid some people can be. You've only just had a baby, let yourself enjoy it and ignore those idiots. Ignore those people who have such boring lives they have to ask about your future life plans.

But also on a different note, never say never. We had our baby via ivf after years of infertility. A year later and I've just found out I'm pregnant we would never have expected it and I too got upset when people quizzed us about having more.

All the best to.you and enjoy your baby!

[Lovefood1984]

I don’t think people realise what they are saying, I hate it too, my daughter is only 12 weeks and was IVF. It’s not the struggle to conceive that gets me, it’s that I can’t afford any more, I have 3 Frosties and to top it off until she was 8 weeks we had it really rough with a cows milk intolerance and silent reflux. 🤞 the reflux has run it’s course, we’re a week med free and things seems to be okish and we are hoping it’s the milk that did it and that everything is now healed. When you are sleep deprived and struggling these comments hurt more than they normally would have done. Try to enjoy your little one and I’ve done my fair share of crying too (you will cry less as the weeks go on, promise!) you are not alone. Oh and you should totally use ‘I had number 2 this morning’ that had me in stitches 😀 x

[Positive2022]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I really can't believe we have come this far and are finally parents. We are thoroughly enjoying every minute and i'm actually starting a yoga / massage mum and baby class tomorrow. I just don't get why some people feel the need to be so nosy. I hope you are all doing okay and if ever you feel the need to rant, my inbox is always open 😘 xxx

[Lizzielizzielizzie]

Oh wow, no one has said this to me when I’ve been out with my six week old, I think that’s a really stupid question of people to ask and I think you’ve been really unlucky that people are asking you that. I think you’d be quite justified to make a tongue in cheek answer or (more realistically) I guess you just say “we’ll see” and try to move the conversation on. I’m sorry that you’re having a difficult time xx

[Positive2022 in reply to Lizzielizzielizzie]

Thank you xxx

[Snowy76]

People just don't think - different circunstance but similar hurtful comments due to lack of thought - I'm now thankfully 23weeks pregnant but it was a big struggle with IVF. To say the staff room was difficut listening to all of the baby talk would be an understatement so I ended up not bothering staying in there longer than I had to.

Anyway, turns out there was staffroom gossip about about my situation after the first failed round. Some did try to comfort and console and whilst the sentiment was there which I do recognise, it was truely cringeworthy and upsetting some of the lines people said to try and console me. However, 3 colleagues came up to me directly on the quiet and a mum of another to say they'd had a similar journey. One truly comforted me saying that when I was in the staffroom and the baby talk started she would actually start cringing herself, mentally begging them to stop because I was there having to listen to them . Made me feel better knowing that I wasn't just imagining it and it wasn't just me who felt it.

COmments can be upsetting, please don't keep it inside you and let it fester - have a bl**dy good cry, and find some good shoulders to cry on who'll just listen and give you all the hugs you need - and celebrate your wee bundle with you - these are folks who matter x

[Positive2022 in reply to Snowy76]

Thank you so much. I am lucky that I have a good support network but sometimes a good cry does really help. I just need to try and be less sensitive I think xxx

[KittyK]

I have this all the time. I am lucky enough to have some FETs that we are trying for number 2 with now, but if that does't work, that's it. We won't have another. And I get angry that we have to justify that? Also, I feel like after IVF, all the struggles to get your little one, I really thought I'd be happy and get on with life but I feel like as soon as she was born, all the trauma and stress/difficulties all came to a head almost and bolstered some serious post natal depression? It felt like the flood gates had opened and I struggled too. I was (and still am) a bit hard on myself, saying 'I was one of the few lucky enough for IVF to work for, how dare I not be happy? How dare I not be a better mum? How ungrateful am I?' etc etc. I think part of us feels because we were lucky we cant struggle or be unhappy, but in reality, we've been trhough so much trauma. Try to be kind to yourself and if people ask, brush it off however is best comfy for you. I just outright tell people 'it's not that simple for us' and they usually leave it a lone. Hope you're feeling a bit better now xxx

[Positive2022 in reply to KittyK]

Thank you so much. You've put into words exactly how I'm feeling. It's a culmination of the stress of fertility treatment and then going through a pregnancy where we constantly worry about making it to full term and then having to recover from a traumatic birth which really did make me very low as I was so ill. Now I feel guilty about feeling down. There are some comments that are just not helpful even though they are well intended and this seems to exacerbate feeling down. Thank you for listening and hope you feel better xxx