HELP! Shall I keep this baby or abort it?

[JaeKem]

I'm a mum of 3 girls, and always pined for a boy. My husband wasn't so keen as his fear was having another girl. Also, after my last child, I suffered a severe bout of post natal depression, which I am still recovering from 2 years on. So I convinced myself having the 3 kids was the end.

Imagine my shock when in September, I found out I was expecting another child. Now I'm at a crossroads, I would love to have another baby, but I don't know if I want to put myself through the emotional turmoil again. I've had sleepless nights wondering what sex the child is and what would happen to me mentally if it turned out to be another girl. On the other hand, I'm petrified to consider abortion, because I feel I will be acting in a selfish way and the guilt will eat away at me.

I can't really talk to my husband because I feel like even though he offers me support, he really has no idea what emotions are running through me right now, and can't possibly help me. I'm so confused, please help me someone.

[CrumbleBee]

Only you can know how you feel about abortion. Some people feel guilty for the rest of their lives, others are fine with it. Give it serious thought and do involve your other half as it affects him too.

It might be worth remembering that 'boy' doesn't equal 'everyone's idea of a stereotypical boy'. Children's characteristics can vary widely and don't always match with parental expectations- it often causes misery for the kid if they don't fit the box parents try to put them in- the poor kid feels there's something wrong with them. Really, their sex affects nothing but what's between their legs, so try not to let potential gender be the deciding factor.

[JaeKem in reply to CrumbleBee]

I know gender should not be a deciding factor but I can't help it. I guess that feeling stems from wanting something different. Thinking about it now, I feel I have been rather selfish.

[Sisi14]

Hi Hunni sorry to read about your past experience with depression, I didn’t want to read and leave ! Before you make any fast decisions you might regret why don’t you see if speaking to your doctor or midwife to explain your fears and your past experience, they might give you medication to beat the pp depression before it kicks in or advise you what’s best for you! I know either way it’s a hard decision for you but only you can decide! You can see it as being blessed with another baby !

I have 3 daughters 14,12, 3 years old , but about 6 years ago I wasn’t in a stable place and had a termination and til this day I think about it what sex it was and how old and birthdays and baby that was my boy ! Then in August this year I had a missed miscarriage with twins and found out not only did they die but there was two at my 13 week scan , I was devastated and now I’ve learnt I would like another shot at being a mummy again and adding to my daughters! What I’m trying to say is sometimes you beat yourself up no matter what and question everything! We can only do our best and love them and protect them ! Good luck with your decision xz

[JaeKem in reply to Sisi14]

Thank you for your kind words. I am scared about abortion and what that will do to me mentally. However, I'm at a crossroads. I will take your advice and talk to my midwife next week.

[Sisi14 in reply to JaeKem]

I wish you the best and let us know how you get on and if you need to talk I’m here xx

[driving50]

Hi Hun, you must be feeling very frightened and scared right now especially being newly pregnant, and with those raging pregnancy hormones - this won't help. Why don't you sit down and have a heart to heart with your partner as you said "he offers support". I know it's your body but have you considered maybe an alternative to Abortion? Maybe Adoption? It would make other people happy who can't have children. I have had the same feelings as you, despair, feeling that your alone in all this and don't know what to do - but this is part and parcel of being pregnant and hormonal and is normal hun.. If your'e not sure that you want another baby, then speak to your partner and midwife - don't make a big decision by yourself. Good luck. xx

[JNDuce12-13]

If your having a baby it should be cause you want another, reguardless of sex of the baby. It’s ok to want a boy with so many girls but you can’t bet your happiness on it. I had bad postnatal depression after my son. And he’s now 4, I’d love another but scared of it happening again. It effected everyone. So I know to a certain extent how you feel. You need to look at it from a practical point of view too, would you need a new car (7seater?) would you need a bigger house? What effects would the baby have on your current life. I think of these things more practically than emotionally, but that’s cause I’ve not been in the position of having 4 Kids. It’s such a personal decision, but you have to do what you think it right for you, Your Kids and husband. What about some counselling? Just some one impartial to talk to? Someone you can say anything to? The good thing with counselling is they don’t tell you what to do they make you realise your true feelings on matters.

[Supermummy]

Hi hun I'm really sorry to hear about your depression, it can be very lonely I've been there too and still very depressed. I really think babies are blessings in happy couples and if you terminate you may regret it for the reSt of your life. But that's just my view...at the end of the day it's what you feel you want that matters nothing else. But you should definitely talk about it with your hubby. Good luck!

[3baby1]

Speak with your husband it will be hard but he will be there for you, he is a part of this too and if you don't tell him and go through a termination your self you will feel even worse mibby guilt and can't talk to him. Communication is key expecially with something like this don't bottle things up or shy away whatever you decide he should be there for you. I had a termination when I was younger my partner at the time begged me not to but we were both so young I was terrified I still feel awfull and always reminded of it as my best friend had her daughter the day I got rid of my child. Guilt is still there but anything could of happened I am now pregnant 7 years later I was so scared as we hadn't been toget her long but I knew I couldn't go through that again it's not nice physically or emotionally when I told him he was like what? In shock but told me what ever I choose he will sup port me I'm now 22 weeks pregnant and we are just enjoying everything, whatever you decide make him apart of it. Good luck x

[JaeKem]

Update: I wanted to reach out and deeply thank everyone here who offered me invaluable advice when I was gong through emotional trauma. I decided against an abortion in the end and opted for talking therapy through my perinatal team. Now I understand it wasn’t so much to do with the sex of the child but more to do with my insecurities. I didn’t realise I had support until I reached out. I’m not sure what would have happened if I had not reached out on this forum, and I thank you immensely.

[Lyndsaytw79 in reply to JaeKem]

Glad you’re feeling better xx

[Sisi14 in reply to JaeKem]

Aw hun glad you have seeked support and your happy with your decision! I’m so happy for you and all the best for you xx